𝕧𝕚𝕧𝕒𝕔𝕚𝕤𝕤𝕚𝕞𝕠

"Ah, hyung... happy new year!"

The smile wavers on Jungkook's lips as he sits on his usual perch, legs dangling over the edge of the building, streaks of rust from the fire escape lingering on his jeans. Winter has always felt like the season that suited the group most, conjuring memories of parties, of feet slapping against wet sand as they scattered across the beach.

Today, the chill is about the only thing that makes Jungkook feel alive, a shiver running down to his bones.

His words die out for too long, silence hanging with his clouded breath in the air. He'll have to rerecord this message, and he's not sure if he feels guilty about it, for lying through his teeth. Or if he can still convince himself that it's the only thing to do, letting Namjoon believe that all is well, to keep any further burden off of his shoulders.

"You know," he laughs, and already the sound of it feels thin and broken. "I don't know why I called you, hyung. You're probably busy, and... maybe calling you is just. Making you sad about things you left behind, and that's the last thing I want to do, when you've already got so much..." The words trail off. Another stretch of silence.

He's really on a roll.

"But I can't call Jin hyung, you know, because he's got school and it's such a good — it's Stanford, which is one of the top American universities, so I don't want to distract him, or. I mean, he hasn't been calling as much anyway, so I figure he's... he's probably doing fine, and I don't want to drag him down.

"And Jimin hyung, he got sick. I thought about telling you, but he's been sick and no one's really seen him since September, and I know that maybe you'd be the best person to talk to about it but it's, it's too much like what happened to your dad, maybe. I don't know. I don't even know what he's sick with, or what your dad has, but even just... months at the hospital, and now his family's not around and we don't, we don't know what to do about it, and. I mean, you're not picking up anyway.

"Hoseok hyung and Tae, without Jimin around, you can't even imagine. Fuck, I couldn't even — I stopped going to the burger place as much because it's hard, it's hard to see Hoseok hyung in pain and. Tae's lost... he's lost everyone, hasn't he? He loved you, he hasn't been the same since you left. Wow, now I really can't send this message, because that's just the worst, right? You told me back then, that you didn't want to know."

Jungkook pauses, lets his breath out slowly. His cheeks are warm, though the trails his tears leave are quickly starting to freeze. The contrast is jarring.

"I can't call Yoongi either, and I don't know what's worse. That he won't pick up, or that I'm afraid of what happens if he does."

Only when the mailbox interrupts, letting Jungkook know that he's run out of time, does he jolt back to attention. He listens passively to the listed options before quickly erasing the message and hanging up. His skin is burned pink where his fingers have worked a hole into his jeans, and Jungkook stares briefly at the color, tearing further at the fabric, ripping the hole until it stretches from one side to the other.