Once Jungkook moves away a little Hoseok realizes that he ought to be embarrassed, having an emotional outburst like this in front of his dongsaeng, especially not when he has feelings for said dongsaeng's boyfriend. He swears he used to be better about concealing his feelings, or at least that's what he thought. Though a lot of these sorts of emotions are new to him, liking someone in this context, wanting to be liked back. He's not sure what's changed recently, but he's not sure he likes it.
"I'm happy," he says then, filling his lungs, trying to push the ache out of his chest. "I'm a lot happier than I used to be at least," he amends. "Every day I'm out of the orphanage is a better day."
It's not that the orphanage had been a bad place exactly, it had just been a constant reminder of how unwanted he was, by his own mother, by anyone else who might have been his parents. And, deep down, he knows it isn't his fault, but it's hard to shake the thoughts that maybe if he hadn't been sick, if he hadn't been a burden, his mother wouldn't have left him to fend for himself in this world.
Being on his own is harder, of course. He consistently has barely enough money to get by, has to rely very heavily on his friends to help him get some of the things he needs, clothes, food, toiletries. He tries to not be ashamed of that, tries to make sure they know he appreciates their help, to not take advantage. But at the end of the day it's all worth not being in that place, pretending that he's a normal person, one that has hopes, whose dreams could come true. He won't be able to hold on to that fantasy for much longer, but he'll cling to it as long as he can.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes after a moment of silence. "For crying, for..." He swallows, guilt closing up his throat. "What I said about Yoongi hyung, about... Even though you asked, I shouldn't have... Just, please don't let it get in the way of anything between you two. Please."
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"I'm happy," he says then, filling his lungs, trying to push the ache out of his chest. "I'm a lot happier than I used to be at least," he amends. "Every day I'm out of the orphanage is a better day."
It's not that the orphanage had been a bad place exactly, it had just been a constant reminder of how unwanted he was, by his own mother, by anyone else who might have been his parents. And, deep down, he knows it isn't his fault, but it's hard to shake the thoughts that maybe if he hadn't been sick, if he hadn't been a burden, his mother wouldn't have left him to fend for himself in this world.
Being on his own is harder, of course. He consistently has barely enough money to get by, has to rely very heavily on his friends to help him get some of the things he needs, clothes, food, toiletries. He tries to not be ashamed of that, tries to make sure they know he appreciates their help, to not take advantage. But at the end of the day it's all worth not being in that place, pretending that he's a normal person, one that has hopes, whose dreams could come true. He won't be able to hold on to that fantasy for much longer, but he'll cling to it as long as he can.
"I'm sorry," he apologizes after a moment of silence. "For crying, for..." He swallows, guilt closing up his throat. "What I said about Yoongi hyung, about... Even though you asked, I shouldn't have... Just, please don't let it get in the way of anything between you two. Please."