Hoseok ducks his head, feeling a little scolded for insinuating that Jungkook would worry that Hoseok would intentionally hurt him. Not that he'd blame Jungkook for worrying, for wanting to protect what he has with Yoongi at all costs. Worse is the bitterness that rises in his chest when Jungkook mentions his step-brother, because while he understands that Jungkook's mother had to remarry, to make a smart choice for herself and her son, he knows that's all it was. Jungkook's step-father and step-brother aren't good people, they don't treat Jungkook or his mother the way the deserve to be treated.
All Hoseok has ever wanted, since he was a seven year old kid taken to a scary, strange place and told he'd never see his mom again, was the chance to try again, to be the kind of son a mother wouldn't leave behind. When he was little he'd truly believed it had been his fault she'd left him by the carousel, that he hadn't counted all the way to ten like she'd told him to. He knows now it wasn't that simple, but it's hard not to think that if he'd been a better child his mother wouldn't have been able to leave him, no matter what the reason.
Ten years later he barely remembers his mother. He still remembers her face, the sound of her voice, that she used to stroke his chest and his arms when he couldn't fall asleep, but the rest is just a blur of things that could be real or could be made up. He's only known Jungkook's mother for a couple of years, but she's gone out of her way to take care of him so much in that time, sending Jungkook with food, buying him winter coats and a comforter for his bed when he was released from the orphanage. There's literally no way she could have ever adopted him, but sometimes Hoseok likes to daydream about it anyway, what their lives would be like if he'd become Jungkook's brother for real, if they could have lived together, just the three of them. A lot of that is selfish, but he can say that he'd be the most devoted son in the world if he'd had the chance to be.
Jungkook says he's worried for him then and Hoseok raises his eyes, meets Jungkook's gaze. This isn't what he wants, for Jungkook to worry for him, especially not over this. He isn't supposed to be a factor here and he wouldn't be if he could help the way he feels, if he could get over those feelings faster.
And Jungkook says when you're feeling sad and when you're longing and the tears in his eyes well, and even though he refuses to blink one of them skips down his cheek anyway. He squeezes his eyes shut then, tips his head down so Jungkook won't see the rest of the tears break loose, using his free hand to wipe them from his cheeks and chin hastily.
He isn't crying about Yoongi, not exactly. He's crying because Jungkook is being so kind to him, because his heart wants something it was never going to have anyway and it won't let go, because he doesn't even want it because getting to have it means people he loves won't have what they want most.
"I'm sorry," he says, managing to stifle a whimper when he lifts his head again. "I, I don't want to hide it," he admits, his voice shaking. "But you, I feel guilty," he tries, shaking his head. "I don't want to feel this way anymore," he finishes, a fresh tear kicking free. "I just want to stop. I want to stop wanting people who won't ever want me back. I want to stop hurting people, I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt you."
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All Hoseok has ever wanted, since he was a seven year old kid taken to a scary, strange place and told he'd never see his mom again, was the chance to try again, to be the kind of son a mother wouldn't leave behind. When he was little he'd truly believed it had been his fault she'd left him by the carousel, that he hadn't counted all the way to ten like she'd told him to. He knows now it wasn't that simple, but it's hard not to think that if he'd been a better child his mother wouldn't have been able to leave him, no matter what the reason.
Ten years later he barely remembers his mother. He still remembers her face, the sound of her voice, that she used to stroke his chest and his arms when he couldn't fall asleep, but the rest is just a blur of things that could be real or could be made up. He's only known Jungkook's mother for a couple of years, but she's gone out of her way to take care of him so much in that time, sending Jungkook with food, buying him winter coats and a comforter for his bed when he was released from the orphanage. There's literally no way she could have ever adopted him, but sometimes Hoseok likes to daydream about it anyway, what their lives would be like if he'd become Jungkook's brother for real, if they could have lived together, just the three of them. A lot of that is selfish, but he can say that he'd be the most devoted son in the world if he'd had the chance to be.
Jungkook says he's worried for him then and Hoseok raises his eyes, meets Jungkook's gaze. This isn't what he wants, for Jungkook to worry for him, especially not over this. He isn't supposed to be a factor here and he wouldn't be if he could help the way he feels, if he could get over those feelings faster.
And Jungkook says when you're feeling sad and when you're longing and the tears in his eyes well, and even though he refuses to blink one of them skips down his cheek anyway. He squeezes his eyes shut then, tips his head down so Jungkook won't see the rest of the tears break loose, using his free hand to wipe them from his cheeks and chin hastily.
He isn't crying about Yoongi, not exactly. He's crying because Jungkook is being so kind to him, because his heart wants something it was never going to have anyway and it won't let go, because he doesn't even want it because getting to have it means people he loves won't have what they want most.
"I'm sorry," he says, managing to stifle a whimper when he lifts his head again. "I, I don't want to hide it," he admits, his voice shaking. "But you, I feel guilty," he tries, shaking his head. "I don't want to feel this way anymore," he finishes, a fresh tear kicking free. "I just want to stop. I want to stop wanting people who won't ever want me back. I want to stop hurting people, I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt you."