lovestrippedbare | 𝕖𝕩𝕡𝕣𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕚𝕤𝕞

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seokjin

𝕖𝕩𝕡𝕣𝕖𝕤𝕤𝕚𝕠𝕟𝕚𝕤𝕞

When the sun starts to filter in through his curtains, soft and with a warm, rosy glow, Jungkook finds himself immediately burying his face back in his pillows, chasing after the dark. Dramatic is not a word that he typically enjoys applying to himself, but he's not sure anything else quite fits the mood he's in, eyes still puffy from lack of sleep. He's afraid to look in the mirror. Afraid to let his limbs slip out from under his covers, out of the soft white, exposing bruises that should be varying shades of purple and pink by now.

His cheek still prickles a little against the soft cotton of his pillowcase.

The pain doesn't bother him. He's not sure that it has in years — doesn't even think that it was his primary concern the first time his father's hand slipped, too quick and direct to pass as an accident. Instead, shame is the emotion that lingers in Jungkook's bones. Not brave enough to stand up. Not strong enough to leave.

Not good enough to be loved.

A gentle knock on the door is what rouses Jungkook fully from his slumber, blinking sleep out of his eyes as he jolts up, instinctively reaching for the robe he keeps by his bed on nights like these. He's sure that he's slipped before, once or twice, in front of his mother. But enough covered tracks have always made it such that she doesn't question it when Jungkook claims that he's just clumsy, bumped into a boy at school he shouldn't have.

He's securing the robe around his waist when the door starts to creak open when he realizes — shit, his face. He doesn't know if the rash has subsided yet.

Doesn't know how he'll explain it, this time.

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Jungkook stares at Jin for an extended moment, hates the fact that he can picture it. He's always had the impression of Jin's father being cold, calculating — doesn't know why it's taken until now to draw the parallels with his own stepfather. His eyes feel warm again, burning at the edges as Jungkook tears his gaze away.

Because Jin's right. Jungkook wouldn't be able to tolerate the sight of Jin at school with a bruised face. Even knowing that it hasn't happened in years, Jungkook struggles with knowing how to process the information, with how to stem the worries about recurrence.

Some doors never quite close, even if they should.

He licks briefly at his lower lip, raising a hand and dabs at the corners of his eyes with the knuckle at the base of his thumb, catching tears before they fall.

"Maybe I'm saying it a little for myself," Jungkook murmurs, swallowing thickly before exhaling, his shoulders sagging just a touch. "I keep telling myself that it's only for two more years. After that, he won't be able to touch me again."

Two years isn't that long in the grand scheme of things but, Seokjin knows, it's long enough. So many terrible things can happen in an instant and there are so many chances for them to happen in that space of time. Jungkook probably knows that just as well as Jin does. "You're brave," he says without any condescension. "And you're stronger than that man. You're better than him."

All of his friends, Seokjin thinks, are so much better than he is. "Maybe if I concentrate really, really hard, I can make your birthday come faster," he offers, mouth wry and a little sad. If only. "There's so much I'd do if I could."

If he were truly given the offer, would Jungkook take it? There's a part of him that wishes it were truly possible to skip directly ahead to two years from now, when all of them will be free from the clutches of their parents. No matter how hard it might be to find their footing without the financial support, Jungkook believes that they must be capable of it. Every year, a new wave of young adults sets off on their own.

There's no reason to think that they can't do so every bit as well as anyone else.

But there's a certain fear that accompanies the thought of the future as well. Too much uncertainty about what might have changed. Perhaps it's best to live life out from day to day, Jungkook thinks, if only so that nothing comes as a devastating blow.

"Hyung, you already do so much," Jungkook smiles, raising his bowl in emphasis. "You knew something was up and came to take care of me. That's what I needed most, I think. Not to be alone."

He glances down at his bowl, then scoops up another spoonful of juk, savoring the bite.

Seokjin fails to see how it'll ever be enough. All he wants is to give, to make up for all the ways he's not enough. If he can be, at least, a good friend, a reliable friend. That's closer to enough, though not ever fully there.

But he also understands and he reaches out, squeezing Jungkook's shoulder. "I think that people–not just us–have a lot that they go through and they think handling alone is the best way but..." But it makes them isolated and lonely. Seokjin smiles, recognizing that he's better at saying than doing, so good at locking up everything he thinks and feels.

He thinks of Yoongi. "There are a lot of burdens that don't feel so bad if they're shared."

Jungkook does his best to return Seokjin's smile, though it's not without a slight tightness in his chest. There's nothing wrong in any of what Seokjin said. Not all matters should be handled alone. Not all burdens should be carried alone. Sometimes, all that it takes to make something bearable is for the weight to be shared between a few people.

Still, Jungkook can't help but look at Seokjin's expression and know that he did that — he dimmed the happiness that was there when Seokjin first peeked his head inside. He caused the worry that's just behind the gaze.

"I guess I just didn't want to be that burden for anyone else," Jungkook says quietly before taking another bite of juk.

Seokjin's expression softens. He knows how hard it is. Early on, Seokbeom had made it clear that he would be no confidant to his younger brother, laying the groundwork for a lifetime of believing that his problems were his alone. Even now, especially as the eldest of their friends, he forgets that he can.

But right now isn't about him. Seokjin is here to help Jungkook.

"You're the baby," he teases gently. "It's your job to be a burden. I didn't raise you on my back for you not to share!"

You're the baby, Seokjin reminds Jungkook. The remark makes Jungkook's heart ache. Even though he's technically always been the baby of his family, it isn't often that he gets treated like it, and it leaves a quiet void that Jungkook can never quite find the right way to fill.

But his hyungs, his six dearest friends, they come close.

He could make some type of joke in return, how he'd rather not be a burden if it means that he always has to serve the drinks, and grill the meat, and wash the dishes. (Such a joke would probably fall flat, either way — it isn't often that any of his hyungs really force Jungkook into his intended responsibilities.)

Instead, Jungkook leans up against Seokjin's side, curling in slightly. "Why couldn't you be my real hyung instead?" he asks, the words soft and distant.

Jungkook curls in and Seokjin immediately wraps his arms tightly around him. "I wish I could too," he says, reaching over to wipe away any other tears. It's easy to forget when Jungkook is so often the most gifted, most clever of the group, that they really are so many years apart. Sometimes, Seokjin realizes it and fears he's going to get left behind if he doesn't hone any talents. Then there are times like this when he's resolved to protect Jungkook more than any other person.

"I think, all the time, what if I just went crazy and bought seven plane tickets? We could just run away to America or something. Someplace where we could be safe. From everything." He smiles regretfully, thinking of the version of himself he'd so briefly been during his study abroad, one that he's had to pack away in Seoul.

Jungkook relaxes immediately against Seokjin's hold, the ache in his chest deepening, but warming as well. Deep breaths, in and out, help to stave off too many tears. Maybe it's selfish to wish for such little details to shift — he should be grateful just to have a friend like Seokjin, rather than wishing they were tied together by blood or marriage. Still, it's hard not to imagine how much better life might be for the both of them, broken pieces of family coming together in a warm, cohesive whole.

"I'd like that," Jungkook says quietly, closing his eyes to imagine what a life in the States might be like, surrounded by smiling people and green trees. "Maybe we can do that someday, anyway. I'll study hard... I'll study for my exams, brush up on my English. Then we can all go."

Seokjin doesn't let go. He squeezes Jungkook's upper arm, trying to rub it in a soothing motion. Maybe Jungkook is selfish but Jin knows that he definitely is. He wishes Seokbeom were a different kind of brother all the time or that he had someone else entirely. What would it have been like, growing up with a brother like Jungkook?

Jin believes he would have been happier.

"America wasn't always easy but sometimes there were things that made me love it," he says. A bubble of nerves bursts in his chest as he realizes that what he's saying now is almost the same thing he said when he'd come out to Yoongi. Should he do it now too?

Jungkook keeps his eyes closed, taking deep breaths. He starts to notice Seokjin's scent — a mix of fabric softener and something just a little subtler, clean skin and just a hint of sweat. It's nice. All the small details, things that he can make out with his five senses, they help to ground Jungkook in the present. It's not such a bad thing.

When he's here, hidden in his room, wrapped in the arms of a hyung that loves him, it's not such a bad thing.

Still, Jungkook doesn't mind the opportunity to think of something else, a little further out, dipping heavily into his imagination. Both are nice — like keeping one foot in each place.

"Yeah?" he murmurs, cheek nestled against the softness of Seokjin's shirt. "Like what?"

His heart beats faster but it's not the same unceasing panic as when he told Yoongi. Telling the first person was the hardest and now he has a better gauge of the rest of them. A better gauge and a lot more faith. After all, they still love Taehyung and Yoongi will still love him. So it's scary, but it's not as scary.

"I had a boyfriend in America," he admits, voice very, very low. It's like if he says it any louder, his and Jungkook's parents will both storm into the room. The thought makes him tense, as does the fear the Jungkook won't want to be in such close contact after what he's said.

Jungkook's eyes widen; his body tenses for a moment, but only a moment before he forces himself to relax, even as his heart feels like it's pounding at a mile a minute. He knew that Taehyung didn't discriminate in doling affection out to men or women. He knew that Jimin harbored feelings for at least one man. Somehow, Jungkook never imagined that there would be anyone else in the group who might be something other than straight.

There's a part of him that's tempted to let Seokjin in at the same level that Seokjin's just shared with him, to tell him how much it hurts sometimes, having affections that can't be realized for any number of reasons. But the thought also feels like standing on the edge of a precipice — how will he stop himself from falling too far? If he admits that he likes boys, how can Jungkook place a wall up to stop anyone from realizing just who he likes?

So instead, he licks his bottom lip.

"That sounds really... really nice, hyung," Jungkook says instead, his tone soft and yearning.

When he tenses and then Jungkook tenses, Jin's first instinct is to sit up, let the other boy out of his hold. What is Jungkook going to think? Is he going to want to be in such a close embrace? Seokjin's own heart speeds up and he wouldn't cast any blame if Jungkook wanted some distance.

When Jungkook speaks, Jin doesn't move. There's so much longing in his voice that even though he hasn't said anything, it's clear that there's something like that that Jungkook wants from life. Jin doesn't push, just tries to be solid and a friend and nonthreatening.

"You're only the second person I've told," he admits.

Jungkook glances up after the admission, his expression muted, his chest aching. It's strange to think of Seokjin holding onto fears, grasping onto them perhaps as tightly as Jungkook's ever held onto his own. Logically, he knows that none of the group would hate him for having feelings towards men. Taehyung is as central to their group as anyone else; none of them would consider turning him away for a second.

But even within that safe space, the admission feels like too much. Too risky.

"I'm glad hyung told me," Jungkook says softly, lowering his gaze again, nestling a little deeper against Seokjin. "It sounds nice, hyung. To be able to love whoever you want... have a boyfriend, or a girlfriend. I wish you could have that here, too. I mean — you know all of us will still love you. But I wish you could be open about it and not have to worry."

When Jungkook tucks himself into Jin's side again, it feels better. His heart is still going too fast but it's not quite thundering in his ears as badly as a minute ago. Today has ended up being far more vulnerable than either of them probably wanted but Seokjin thinks he's glad he confessed. He hopes Jungkook, likewise, doesn't feel so alone.

"It's okay," he promises, trying to find a little humor for them both. "Everyone knows that the person I love the most is myself and they can't outlaw that."

Gently, he brushes fingers through Jungkook's hair and then leans down so that he's sure he'll be heard by only him. "We all have burdens Jungkookie, so please let hyung help." What kind of hyung–what kind of friend–would he be otherwise?

Jungkook gives Seokjin a slightly skeptical look. There's probably someone Seokjin loves more than himself, Jungkook thinks — if not many people. Seokjin is easily one of the more openly affectionate of the group, and something about the way he plays those affections up makes Jungkook believe all the more in their sincerity. Seokjin would probably prioritize their well-being over his own.

Many of his hyungs would, Jungkook thinks. Maybe that's part of why it's so hard to open himself up. He doesn't want to simply be a weight on their shoulders.

He wants to help carry their burdens in return.

"Let me help hyung, too," Jungkook says quietly, his eyes lazily drooping to a close at the feeling of fingers gently weaving through his hair. "I can be reliable. There are some things I can't do, but I can always listen."

Seokjin laughs but it's not in mockery. Jungkook is right. He may be, as Seokjin himself just said, the baby of the group but he's resilient. His strength is both physical and emotional and Seokjin really believes that Jungkook will be a trustworthy ear and he might want to avail of that sometime but not just yet. Today, despite accidentally revealing something of himself, he wants to take care of Jungkook first.

"You are a big help," he promises. "Especially when it comes to listening. And hugging." Emphasizing his point, Seokjin squeezes him closer for a second.

"But for now, let me be your hyung and try to make things a little better. Deal?" Maybe Jungkook doesn't need to be coddled but sometimes it's just nice.

Perhaps wanting to help Seokjin is Jungkook's own way of searching for a way to make up for how he lacks right now — a way to feel less like a recipient of abuse, and more like a fighter. He wants to do something productive. Wants to find weight that he can bear successfully.

Wants to make sure he can support those who have lent him their strength.

But there's a proper time and place for that, Jungkook reminds himself, and perhaps tonight isn't that, not when his body is still littered with bruises underneath his shirt.

"Okay," he says quietly, continuing to sidle up close to Seokjin's side. Searching for a bit of levity, Jungkook raises his gaze and asks, "You're gonna make me pretty, hyung?"

He knows what Jungkook is doing by asking when he does but Seokjin doesn't call him out on it. He's done the same thing plenty of times with the others, within this very conversation. Instead, he gives Jungkook another squeeze and then leans over to drop a kiss in his hair like some overindulgent parent (the kind Jungkook deserves).

"I can't do your makeup if you hide under my shirt, Jungkookie," he points out. Even so, he's just as reluctant to pry himself away. With an arm around Jungkook, he feels stronger, like he's actually capable of protecting someone.

Jungkook closes his eyes at the press against his hair, heart lurching yet again. Seokjin's shoulders are broad, and the scent he carries has a touch of something — cologne, body wash, shampoo, Jungkook can't really be sure — undeniably masculine. It makes Jungkook wonder if he's missed out on countless moments like this with his own father. The one that resides only in his memories.

But he keeps the thought to himself, instead puffing his cheeks out slightly as he glances back up at Seokjin.

"It's not my fault hyung runs warm and is so comfortable to lean against," Jungkook points out, sighing as he starts to pull away, shaking his head to straight out some of the mess of his hair.

Jungkook pouts at him and Seokjin pouts right back, not pretending to be anything other than ridiculous. The somber moment still weighs on them but now, more than anything, he wants to make Jungkook smile.

"I got comfortable while I was practicing raising you on my back," he says, patting one of his shoulders. "All of this is from your diligent practice."

Shuffling to the side, Jin retrieves his shopping bag and rummages into it. "First things first," he says, setting the chocolate bar between them.

There's more than a touch of truth, Jungkook thinks, to the idea that Seokjin has played a significant role in raising him. In the short amount of time Seokjin's had with the group, he fell easily into a doting role, and Jungkook wouldn't be surprised if, as the youngest, he receives a little more of that than most. In some ways, the allowances that he might have sought at home, were his household more typical, are ones that Jungkook's found with Seokjin instead.

"Am I getting a little too big for that back?" Jungkook asks, half in jest but with a little undercurrent of truth underneath, wondering if Seokjin ever does tire of Jungkook's more immature tendencies.

Like the way he perks up at the sight of the chocolate, though a second later, Jungkook finds himself carefully feeling for the center of the bar and breaking it before opening the wrapper.

Seokjin spreads his arms wide and laughs. "That's why I have this magnificent wingspan," he says, flapping his arms a little. He'd used to think his proportions were odd but that was before he had six other friends to try and wrap into his arms all at once. They're still not quite long enough, but that's okay.

While Jungkook breaks the chocolate open, Seokjin takes out the various products from his bag. "Primer sunscreen first and always," he says. "If you're not doing anything else, still put on sunscreen." This is followed with a highlighter, correcting wheel, foundation, powder, and sealer. There's also an eyeliner pencil because why the hell not.

Jungkook holds out a piece of chocolate for Seokjin, intent on making sure that his hyung has some sweetness before Jungkook does, while he fixes his gaze on the multitude of products spilling out over his sheets. There have been times in the past when Jungkook sat by his mother's side, watching her apply makeup before she set off for work, but Jungkook certainly can't pretend that he knows how any of it actually works, aside from the fact that lipstick tends to be the last step (and one that Jungkook assumes isn't required of him, anyway).

"Ah, you mean... even if I don't wear makeup, I should be putting on sunscreen?" Jungkook asks, looking slightly apprehensive. He really doesn't do much with his skin right now, aside from having switched from using bar soap to a gentler cleanser before bed. Plus lotion, if the weather's especially dry.

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