The way Hoseok reacts to Jungkook's words is unexpected; there's a deep fondness there, always there for Jungkook, and happiness too, because of course Hoseok is happy for Jungkook, for Yoongi, for their happiness. But he's blindsided by the feeling that rises up a second later, like the lightness in his chest is closing over, a black cloud wrapping around his heart and tugging it.
It takes your breath away to know that someone else loves you in that way. That someone thinks you're precious, like you're the best thing in the world.
Hoseok's been rejected a couple of times in his life, and the experiences weren't great, but he's never carried any sort of negative feelings for the people who have told him he isn't what they want. He doesn't get upset at people for their feelings, no matter what they are. Maybe he gets upset with himself a little, for aiming too high, but then he understands that pretty much everything is out of his reach. It's no one's fault (well, his mother's, if anyone could be held accountable, but he doesn't even know her story well enough to place the blame completely on her), it just is.
He knows he'll never feel that, what Jungkook is describing. He's known it for a while. And usually he's okay, but something about this is getting to him a little.
And then Jungkook mentions kissing Yoongi, Jungkook kissing him, Hoseok kissing him, and it all makes sense.
It had only been two days, and it had come with the understanding of what it was, what it meant, but maybe for those two days Hoseok had gotten a little taste of that, of being precious to someone. And he never had hope of things being more than platonic between him and Yoongi, he'd known how Yoongi felt about Jungkook even though he didn't know Jungkook felt the same way. He's happy for them, so happy. But maybe he's a little sad for himself. Even though he doesn't want to be.
Yoongi told him that Jungkook knew about the kissing. Yoongi told him Jungkook had been jealous but not upset, not mad at him. And Jungkook's smiling at him now, not angry, not going to yell or make him feel bad. Hoseok's heart is just completely failing him. He can't imagine what expression must be on his face right now.
"I uh," he starts, shaking his head and telling himself to smile back. "Yoongi told me he told you," he fumbles out, his pulse skipping a little, maybe afraid, maybe anxious. "So you know I knew that, um. How he felt about you. Before we kissed." He takes a breath. He might be having a panic attack.
"It was my first kiss," he blurts then, and he doesn't know why. His hands are shaking. "I wanted, he said something about kissing me, it was a joke," he laughs nervously at the memory. "I didn't think he'd say yes when I asked if he wanted to kiss me for real. He told me about you, he thought he didn't have a chance, I just wanted to kiss someone I trust." He's babbling, he's barely making sense, and he shuts his mouth to stop himself.
"He said you weren't mad, but, I mean. It's okay if you are," he says then, as calmly as he can. "I'll understand if you are."
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It takes your breath away to know that someone else loves you in that way. That someone thinks you're precious, like you're the best thing in the world.
Hoseok's been rejected a couple of times in his life, and the experiences weren't great, but he's never carried any sort of negative feelings for the people who have told him he isn't what they want. He doesn't get upset at people for their feelings, no matter what they are. Maybe he gets upset with himself a little, for aiming too high, but then he understands that pretty much everything is out of his reach. It's no one's fault (well, his mother's, if anyone could be held accountable, but he doesn't even know her story well enough to place the blame completely on her), it just is.
He knows he'll never feel that, what Jungkook is describing. He's known it for a while. And usually he's okay, but something about this is getting to him a little.
And then Jungkook mentions kissing Yoongi, Jungkook kissing him, Hoseok kissing him, and it all makes sense.
It had only been two days, and it had come with the understanding of what it was, what it meant, but maybe for those two days Hoseok had gotten a little taste of that, of being precious to someone. And he never had hope of things being more than platonic between him and Yoongi, he'd known how Yoongi felt about Jungkook even though he didn't know Jungkook felt the same way. He's happy for them, so happy. But maybe he's a little sad for himself. Even though he doesn't want to be.
Yoongi told him that Jungkook knew about the kissing. Yoongi told him Jungkook had been jealous but not upset, not mad at him. And Jungkook's smiling at him now, not angry, not going to yell or make him feel bad. Hoseok's heart is just completely failing him. He can't imagine what expression must be on his face right now.
"I uh," he starts, shaking his head and telling himself to smile back. "Yoongi told me he told you," he fumbles out, his pulse skipping a little, maybe afraid, maybe anxious. "So you know I knew that, um. How he felt about you. Before we kissed." He takes a breath. He might be having a panic attack.
"It was my first kiss," he blurts then, and he doesn't know why. His hands are shaking. "I wanted, he said something about kissing me, it was a joke," he laughs nervously at the memory. "I didn't think he'd say yes when I asked if he wanted to kiss me for real. He told me about you, he thought he didn't have a chance, I just wanted to kiss someone I trust." He's babbling, he's barely making sense, and he shuts his mouth to stop himself.
"He said you weren't mad, but, I mean. It's okay if you are," he says then, as calmly as he can. "I'll understand if you are."