lovestrippedbare | 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖

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hoseok

𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖

When Jungkook can joined his band of hyungs a little over a year ago, Hoseok was one of the first that he had taken to spending a lot of time with. Even though he knew that Hoseok didn't necessarily think of it in the same way, there was something freeing about the fact that Hoseok wasn't beholden to any specific adults — that he had his own place, however small, where every decision was his to make. And even outside of the backdrop of his apartment, Hoseok always had a smile and a kind word to give, never giving Jungkook the impression that he was judging anyone in the slightest.

Being around Hoseok was comfortable, like having a true older brother.

It's only now that Jungkook realizes it's been weeks since he last spent time alone with Hoseok, caught up as he's been with the flush of a new relationship. He asks for his mom to pack him several extra kimbap, noting that he plans to visit Hoseok at the dance studio, and immediately his mother goes overboard packing a bunch of banchan, all the sides that Hoseok likes best. For good measure, he packs a couple bottles of Sprite too.

To be honest, dancing itself isn't the biggest thing on Jungkook's mind — his stomach flutters with the indecision of whether or not bring up the fact that Yoongi's told him about the shared kisses, the shared intimacy over the phone. It doesn't feel strictly necessary, but Jungkook hates the feel of it hanging over his head, ignored and unacknowledged.

Maybe a natural opportunity will come up, he thinks to himself.

For now, he rushes over to the room where Hoseok teaches, having arrived well before the first wave of students. Peeking through the door with a smile, Jungkook raps on the wood.

"Hyung!"

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There's a look of interest on Hoseok's face, and for all that Jungkook isn't naturally the kind who shares every detail of his life, he thinks he sees a hint of curiosity there. And it reminds him of what it was like for himself only weeks ago, when he'd been scared, curled up in his covers and listening to Jimin's voice over the phone. How both of them, for all the aching they felt in their chests, also held onto a soft kind of wonder. What did any of them really have to go on for really knowing what it was like to be loved?

Now that Jungkook's had some experience, he realizes that the media never really does it justice.

"It's like..." Jungkook pauses, glancing briefly at the floor, then up to meet Hoseok's gaze again. They're brothers. They should share this sort of thing, Jungkook thinks. "Even if Yoongi wasn't already the one who I wanted, it. It takes your breath away to know that someone else loves you in that way. That someone thinks you're precious, like you're the best thing in the world. Being with Yoongi is — I know he loves me." Jungkook laughs softly, ducking his face again. "Which is funny, because until we admitted those feelings to one another, I had no idea. I thought I was crazy enough for wanting to take up so much of his time."

He licks his lips, pondering his next words before he looks up with a soft grin, feeling his walls naturally coming down. Being with Hoseok has always been easy in this way, never a need to guard their emotions from one another. "And I can't complain about his kissing. Which I guess you already knew about," Jungkook says, smile widening.

The way Hoseok reacts to Jungkook's words is unexpected; there's a deep fondness there, always there for Jungkook, and happiness too, because of course Hoseok is happy for Jungkook, for Yoongi, for their happiness. But he's blindsided by the feeling that rises up a second later, like the lightness in his chest is closing over, a black cloud wrapping around his heart and tugging it.

It takes your breath away to know that someone else loves you in that way. That someone thinks you're precious, like you're the best thing in the world.

Hoseok's been rejected a couple of times in his life, and the experiences weren't great, but he's never carried any sort of negative feelings for the people who have told him he isn't what they want. He doesn't get upset at people for their feelings, no matter what they are. Maybe he gets upset with himself a little, for aiming too high, but then he understands that pretty much everything is out of his reach. It's no one's fault (well, his mother's, if anyone could be held accountable, but he doesn't even know her story well enough to place the blame completely on her), it just is.

He knows he'll never feel that, what Jungkook is describing. He's known it for a while. And usually he's okay, but something about this is getting to him a little.

And then Jungkook mentions kissing Yoongi, Jungkook kissing him, Hoseok kissing him, and it all makes sense.

It had only been two days, and it had come with the understanding of what it was, what it meant, but maybe for those two days Hoseok had gotten a little taste of that, of being precious to someone. And he never had hope of things being more than platonic between him and Yoongi, he'd known how Yoongi felt about Jungkook even though he didn't know Jungkook felt the same way. He's happy for them, so happy. But maybe he's a little sad for himself. Even though he doesn't want to be.

Yoongi told him that Jungkook knew about the kissing. Yoongi told him Jungkook had been jealous but not upset, not mad at him. And Jungkook's smiling at him now, not angry, not going to yell or make him feel bad. Hoseok's heart is just completely failing him. He can't imagine what expression must be on his face right now.

"I uh," he starts, shaking his head and telling himself to smile back. "Yoongi told me he told you," he fumbles out, his pulse skipping a little, maybe afraid, maybe anxious. "So you know I knew that, um. How he felt about you. Before we kissed." He takes a breath. He might be having a panic attack.

"It was my first kiss," he blurts then, and he doesn't know why. His hands are shaking. "I wanted, he said something about kissing me, it was a joke," he laughs nervously at the memory. "I didn't think he'd say yes when I asked if he wanted to kiss me for real. He told me about you, he thought he didn't have a chance, I just wanted to kiss someone I trust." He's babbling, he's barely making sense, and he shuts his mouth to stop himself.

"He said you weren't mad, but, I mean. It's okay if you are," he says then, as calmly as he can. "I'll understand if you are."

There's a moment when Hoseok's smile falters, and Jungkook can feel his own receding with it. He listens, his cheeks buzzing and the back of his neck burning, as Hoseok stumbles into explanations that Jungkook's already received, but the physicality of it is different this time. With Yoongi, the admission had been relatively calm, a slight shift of the earth under their feet before they easily found each other again, even more grounded than before. But with Hoseok, everything's off — the way his smile flickers, more of a twitch than anything else. The uneven volume of his voice, the uneven tempo.

The way his hands shake.

It's hard to reach out when there's so much food between them, but Jungkook finds a way, nudging a few of the dishes carefully to either side before he slides forward and reaches for both of Hoseok's hands, tries to close his own around them. Somewhere along the line, Jungkook suddenly realizes, his hands became bigger than Hoseok's.

Distantly, he wonders when that happened.

"Hyung," Jungkook frowns, shaking his head immediately. "I'm not mad. I'm not mad at all. Why would I be mad? You didn't do anything wrong, hyung. Yoongi and I weren't together, you didn't know that I liked him... and you just said it, right? You wanted to kiss someone that you trust. You wanted your first kiss to be meaningful."

Jungkook's gaze skirts down to the clasp of their hands, his own steady in contrast to Hoseok's trembling. He can feel his own chest constricting again, the slight twist of his stomach that he had experienced that morning when Yoongi first told him, when his thoughts couldn't stop wandering. When he couldn't help wandering if he was inadvertently stepping all over Hoseok's emotions.

"Hyung," Jungkook asks, his gaze slowly raising. "Do you like Yoongi?"

Hoseok wants to stop trembling, especially when Jungkook grabs his hands, Jungkook's warm and big and comforting, and Hoseok didn't realize his own were so cold until he has Jungkook's warmth wrapped around him. He wants to stop shaking, but he can't, not when Jungkook's being so calm and sweet and Hoseok feels guilt wrapping around his guts, pulling tight.

He's talked himself out of that feeling a few times since Jungkook and Yoongi got together. He's told himself that he didn't make Yoongi do anything he didn't want to, that the kisses (and anything else) they shared meant something to both of them, but Yoongi's heart already belonged to someone else. They did everything with that in mind. Hoseok had always been very careful to make sure to remind Yoongi he knew that.

And then Jungkook asks a question, the question, and Hoseok's heart clenches.

If he had time to think, if this was over text or maybe even over the phone and he had a moment to breathe before he responded, he'd probably make a joke. Of course I like Yoongi, he say. He's my best friend.. But Jungkook is right here, looking at his face, seeing all of his emotions before he even knows what they are. He can't lie, even though he doesn't know what he even really feels. He won't lie to Jungkook.

"I, I mean," he tries, and his hands are shaking more than ever now. "Maybe I had a crush," he manages, swallowing and trying to shake his thoughts into order. "I did before I knew about how he felt about you, and then after I knew I..." He shakes his head.

"I always wanted him to be with you, after I knew," he says, and that's a truth he doesn't have to search for. "He loves you, he wanted you so much," he goes on, his voice breaking just a little, because he remembers how Yoongi talked about Jungkook then, how Yoongi ached for him. "I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy for both of you," he says, even though he knows Jungkook already knows that. "It's just, it was barely anything, and it'll go away soon enough," he finishes, and the smile he offers is genuine, even if it's not as bright as he wants it to be.

Had a crush. Barely anything. It'll go away soon enough. Each small remark sears like the flicker of sparks against the skin, both barely there and too much all at once. And it's a funny thing, Jungkook thinks. Because if there's one thing Jungkook can generally say for himself, it's that he can withstand a lot. It's not quite a virtue that he can be proud of, but it's something that helps him get through the day to day — no matter how many blows fall against his skin, no matter how many times his father scolds him, no matter how many times the teacher's folder comes down against his forehead, Jungkook will continue to stand and he'll be fine.

He's been through the worst kind of loss and come through, if not exactly stronger, then certainly with thicker skin.

But the one thing he hasn't built any sort of defense against is hurting other people. It's easier for everything to be directed at him. To tread haphazardly over someone else's heart is another matter entirely. The dawning horror when Yoongi had first witnessed the bruises speckled over Jungkook's back. The way Hoseok's hands shake in his own.

In moments like these, Jungkook finds himself wondering if things would be better without him around. If his absence would have everything else falling neatly into place. No more cold anger in his household. No need for his brothers to come and shield him.

(But the thought exercise is pointless, because even in the darkest of hours, Jungkook knows that he cannot leave.)

"You don't have to say that it was barely anything, hyung," Jungkook says, feeling clumsy once he's found his voice. He can't stop staring at their hands. His face feels too warm. "I'm sorry that I never realized."

Jungkook looks pained, and it's not the sort of unhappiness that Hoseok expected. He'd thought maybe Jungkook would be more worried about those kisses now that he knows there had been feelings from Hoseok's end, however controlled, that he'd be angry that Hoseok had acted on those feelings even though he knew Yoongi was in love with someone else. That maybe he'd be worried now that Hoseok might want to try to steal Yoongi from him, even as impossible as that would be, as much as Hoseok would rather rip his own heart out than cause Yoongi or Jungkook a moment of pain.

He looks sad, and Hoseok doesn't understand why. Hoseok's embarrassed and anxious, and when Jungkook speaks it makes his chest ache, his tone so apologetic.

"You, of course you wouldn't see," Hoseok says then, his voice shaking. "I've never told anyone."

And god, how fucked up is that? Confessing your crush on someone to their brand new boyfriend. He's been trying so hard to forget he even has that crush, to make it go away for the sake of all of them, but feelings don't exactly listen, even when you plead with them.

"But please don't worry," he adds belatedly, squeezing Jungkook's hands. "It won't cause problems, I won't cause you any problems." He's trying to sound cheerful and strong but his stupid face only ever shows exactly how he's feeling, and his eyes are wet and why is he on the verge of crying over this? The very last thing he wants is for Jungkook to feel bad for him, to have any guilty feelings at all over his love for Yoongi.

"Yah," Jungkook says at once, squeezing Hoseok's hands back, his brows knit. "Hyung, do you really think that I'd worry about you doing anything to cause problems for me? You're my brother. You're the brother I should have had, not — not Yeongwook. Of course you'd never do anything to hurt me, not deliberately." The mention of his stepbrother comes out almost as a broken laugh, bitter and frustrated. How ridiculous it is to even try and imagine the difference in this conversation, were he speaking with Yeongwook. How much derision there'd be, or perhaps even worse — where the threat would be so much more than simply a risk of honest emotions spilling out.

But this conversation isn't about Yeongwook. It's not about anything that goes on between those four walls that Jungkook's supposed to think of as home. It's about the people who really matter.

It's about making sure everyone else is okay.

He pulls one hand away, briefly dropping his forehead against his palm, thinking. Jungkook finds himself clumsy with things like this, with trying to parse out emotions and dole out advice. Perhaps it's because that for so long, his own have felt too twisted, too troublesome to really bring to the light of day. What right does he really have to tell others how they should act when most of his advice would paint him as the hypocrite?

Only now is he finally starting to live his truth, but the whole reason for that is something he's inadvertently taken from Hoseok.

"I'm worried for you," Jungkook says with a heavy sigh. I hate that I've done anything to hurt you, he adds mentally, but refrains from saying. He can't imagine that Hoseok would stand to gain anything from knowing about Jungkook's guilt. "I want to be someone reliable you can talk to, hyung. And I don't want you to hide how you feel — when you're feeling sad, or when you're longing, or any of it. It's... it's so much to keep to yourself. It hurts too much to keep to yourself."

He glances up, eyes wide and bright. "I used to be afraid all the time, hyung. I didn't realize until I came out to Jimin hyung how much it was hurting me."

Hoseok ducks his head, feeling a little scolded for insinuating that Jungkook would worry that Hoseok would intentionally hurt him. Not that he'd blame Jungkook for worrying, for wanting to protect what he has with Yoongi at all costs. Worse is the bitterness that rises in his chest when Jungkook mentions his step-brother, because while he understands that Jungkook's mother had to remarry, to make a smart choice for herself and her son, he knows that's all it was. Jungkook's step-father and step-brother aren't good people, they don't treat Jungkook or his mother the way the deserve to be treated.

All Hoseok has ever wanted, since he was a seven year old kid taken to a scary, strange place and told he'd never see his mom again, was the chance to try again, to be the kind of son a mother wouldn't leave behind. When he was little he'd truly believed it had been his fault she'd left him by the carousel, that he hadn't counted all the way to ten like she'd told him to. He knows now it wasn't that simple, but it's hard not to think that if he'd been a better child his mother wouldn't have been able to leave him, no matter what the reason.

Ten years later he barely remembers his mother. He still remembers her face, the sound of her voice, that she used to stroke his chest and his arms when he couldn't fall asleep, but the rest is just a blur of things that could be real or could be made up. He's only known Jungkook's mother for a couple of years, but she's gone out of her way to take care of him so much in that time, sending Jungkook with food, buying him winter coats and a comforter for his bed when he was released from the orphanage. There's literally no way she could have ever adopted him, but sometimes Hoseok likes to daydream about it anyway, what their lives would be like if he'd become Jungkook's brother for real, if they could have lived together, just the three of them. A lot of that is selfish, but he can say that he'd be the most devoted son in the world if he'd had the chance to be.

Jungkook says he's worried for him then and Hoseok raises his eyes, meets Jungkook's gaze. This isn't what he wants, for Jungkook to worry for him, especially not over this. He isn't supposed to be a factor here and he wouldn't be if he could help the way he feels, if he could get over those feelings faster.

And Jungkook says when you're feeling sad and when you're longing and the tears in his eyes well, and even though he refuses to blink one of them skips down his cheek anyway. He squeezes his eyes shut then, tips his head down so Jungkook won't see the rest of the tears break loose, using his free hand to wipe them from his cheeks and chin hastily.

He isn't crying about Yoongi, not exactly. He's crying because Jungkook is being so kind to him, because his heart wants something it was never going to have anyway and it won't let go, because he doesn't even want it because getting to have it means people he loves won't have what they want most.

"I'm sorry," he says, managing to stifle a whimper when he lifts his head again. "I, I don't want to hide it," he admits, his voice shaking. "But you, I feel guilty," he tries, shaking his head. "I don't want to feel this way anymore," he finishes, a fresh tear kicking free. "I just want to stop. I want to stop wanting people who won't ever want me back. I want to stop hurting people, I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt you."

Watching other people cry is always worse than crying himself, Jungkook thinks. His own eyes are dry, and it almost feels like a betrayal, face too calm and steady in comparison to the clash of emotions in his chest. He hates having his fears confirmed, even though there's a part of him that knew, just knew that there was no way around this. That it would be foolish to think, even for a second, that there wasn't something more complicated behind the kisses.

Maybe it was obvious because all of them have always been wanting for affection in one way or another. Namjoon, who shoulders all the responsibility of an adult and has no time to be doted on as a child. Seokjin, whose parents see him as never living up to the family image, the family name. Yoongi, for whom the loss of a mother tore father and son apart, neither managing to be quite what the other needs. Jimin, whose parents never seem to afford him any time at all. Taehyung, for whom a father's touch only comes in blows.

And Hoseok, whose mother left him entirely.

They've all been needing in ways that even the deepest of friendships can't quite fix — trying to fill their pails with water when the real problem is that each one of them is cracked, leaking.

When Hoseok says that he wants to stop wanting people who won't ever want him back, Jungkook wonders if perhaps Hoseok's own mother is the one who tops that list.

"You're not hurting me, hyung," Jungkook says gently, voice rough with emotion. There aren't words good enough for this, no words that can be an adequate salve. "I just wish I could help it stop hurting for you."

He raises his free hand, brushing bent knuckles over the tears on Hoseok's cheeks, brow knit in concentration.

"Hyung. There are people who love you, you know. And maybe right now, it's not the right people, or it's not enough... but one day, it will be the right person," Jungkook murmurs, gaze skirting to the side for a second as he wavers, tries to figure out a way to ease the ache without tangling their lives even further. "I know that there's already someone out there for whom you're precious in ways I can't describe. Maybe it's not who you want it to be. But someday it'll match up. It takes time, you know? We're still young."

Hoseok's heard this before. He heard it from the girl he liked in junior high school, he heard it from Yoongi too, more than once. He heard something like it over and over when he was little, when other children were adopted, that someday the right people would come along for him.

And the thing is he believed it. For a long time he thought it was absolutely true. And it's not that he's become cynical or negative, he's just grown up since then. He has people in his life that love him, people who take care of him as much as they can, even as limited as their own resources are. He has more than he ever thought he would have, or that he deserved, but he knows there's a line there, too. They love him and they care about him and they'll do what they can for him, and he's so grateful.

He's not meant for anything more. These people are already risking ridicule from their families just being his friend. Jimin's mother actively hates him. Seokjin's parents would probably demand their son stay away if they knew about their friendship. Jungkook's mother loves him, but his father, unsurprisingly – he doesn't even love his own step-son, does not. Liking boys is bad enough; liking a boy with no family, no history, no future, that's unthinkable.

There might be someone, maybe, someday, who will be okay with that. Hoseok knows it's a possibility, especially because he likes girls too. He's just more careful now, about how much he hopes for it.

At the core of it, though, he knows Jungkook's only saying what he thinks will help ease Hoseok's pain. Yoongi only meant it the same way. Both of them mean the words in the kindest way, with the purest intentions. Neither of them know the barb inside Hoseok's heart, the way those words sting.

But then Jungkook says something different, something pointed, and though Hoseok's eyes are still swimming a little, his heart still pounding, it makes him blink.

"What... What do you mean by already someone out there?" he asks softly.

There's a large part of Jungkook that wants to share Jimin's name with Hoseok right then and there. A large part of Jungkook that can't imagine the love not being appreciated, at least, by Hoseok — even if it's one that can't be reciprocated fully. The feeling only escalates when Hoseok looks up, confusion and perhaps something that's on the cusp of hope in his eyes. There's the fear that by not naming any names, maybe Hoseok will think that Jungkook's lying, only offering empty words in an attempt to provide comfort.

Jungkook's stomach twists at the thought, but it's probably better to be accused of lying than it is to betray a best friend's trust. He takes a deep breath, gaze briefly dropping as he considers his words, and gives Hoseok's hand another squeeze.

"There's someone who watches you. Not... in a creepy way or anything," Jungkook says, shaking his head and hoping he doesn't paint Jimin's affections in an unfavorable way. "But in the same way that I always looked forward to those days when I got to practice piano with Yoongi. You've had crushes, so I'm sure you get it, hyung. When your stomach's all fluttering and all you want is for that person to be happy, and even though you'd be happy enough just knowing that they're doing well, a part of you can't help but wish that it's you they could be happy with."

Licking his lips, Jungkook hangs his head for a moment, already mentally apologizing to Jimin. He won't betray Jimin by mentioning his name, but Jungkook wonders if it'll be too obvious now, if even the little suggestions are enough for Hoseok to connect the dots.

(Would it be so bad if he did?)

"I know someone out there likes you like that. I'm not allowed to say who, though," Jungkook admits.

Hoseok blinks as Jungkook explains, talks about a shapeless someone who watches him, who gets that same feeling of butterflies in their stomach around him that Hoseok still gets around Yoongi and Jin even though he tells himself every time to stop. He knows the feeling Jungkook's describing, knows it so well. It's become a feeling he hates, because of that last part, because he can't help the wishing part, even though he knows it's completely, utterly futile.

And Hoseok's sure that Jungkook is talking about a hypothetical someone, not an actual person. Because who would look at him that way? Who in the world could want someone who has (and will always have) nothing?

He thinks it's a platitude all the way up until Jungkook's last words. He feels his eyes go wide, his mouth drop open, and all he wants to do is ask the one question Jungkook apparently can't answer.

"Why..." he starts, then shakes his head softly. He runs through all the people that both he and Jungkook know and the list isn't very long, considering how many years apart they are at school. In his group of friends, he can't imagine any of them feeling the way about him Jungkook's describing. He remembers the way he used to be around Jin, the blushing, the flustered way Jin would make him feel. He thought it was obvious, but Jin had seemed entirely shocked when Hoseok had confessed to him.

It could be possible that one of them likes him and he doesn't know it, as unlikely as it seems.

He swallows. "Why haven't they told me?" he asks then, his heart racing, so many conflicting emotions running through him.

There are a million questions that Jungkook suspects lie behind Hoseok's expression, but the one that he finally asks is easy enough to answer. Jungkook's lips quirk for a second, a slightly lopsided smile peeking through before he leans back, licking his lips as he considers how to answer. Because he thinks that this question, at least, is one that Hoseok probably should be able to understand.

Especially given how much Jungkook's just learned today.

"Ah, that's..." Jungkook tilts his head, pulling a deep breath through his teeth. "Probably for the same reasons why I never said anything to Yoongi for over a year. And why Yoongi didn't say anything to me until I confessed to him. And why you never told anyone what you felt about Yoongi until today."

Jungkook bites briefly at his lip. "When you like someone... especially someone you already care a lot about, telling them feels dangerous. Because you're afraid of ruining what you already have, you're afraid of ruining the friendship. You're afraid that as soon as they know, they won't see you the same way — that they'll be uncomfortable, even if they don't want to be," Jungkook explains, watching Hoseok's expression for any flicker of familiarity. "Because maybe it's okay if they don't like you back that way, but losing them entirely... that feels too painful to even consider."

His gaze grows briefly unfocused as Jungkook tilts his head in reflection. "Sometimes I don't even know how I managed to get the words out in front of Yoongi. I was so afraid, hyung. If it weren't for how sad he looked..."

Hoseok's not sure what answer he was expecting but the one Jungkook gives is easy enough to understand. He knows intimately, painfully what telling someone your feelings can do, what rejection feels like between people who are already closer than friends, the distance it puts between people.

And he knows it could be worse, that he's lucky Jin still treats him like a friend, like a cherished little brother. But there's a level of closeness that's gone now, a guardedness that comes from Jin trying to protect from further hurting his feelings, as unintentional as it all was and is.

He never planned to tell Jin because he'd expected this outcome. It was bad judgement on his part, so many poor choices, and as much as he wishes he could take it back, what's done is done. Which is why he will never, ever tell Yoongi. There's already a distance between them because of what happened before Yoongi and Jungkook got together, and losing Yoongi's friendship entirely would absolutely gut him.

He tries to imagine how he would handle it if someone confessed to him. The way Jungkook's talking he finds it hard to believe this person he's talking about is outside their group of friends. The only person Hoseok spends any time with aside from them is Eunsoo, but he doesn't think Jungkook has ever spoken to her outside of his visits to the studio. They're certainly not close enough for her to confess her feelings to him, or at least he doesn't think so.

The thing is, all of his friends are dating each other. So whoever it is, their feelings have probably changed by now. And, even if they haven't, the last thing Hoseok is ever going to do is endanger his friends' happiness, especially for selfish reasons. He desperately wants to know who this person is, but Jungkook said he can't tell him, and pressing for details wouldn't be fair to him.

"When..." he starts, then he has to stop and swallow, because his voice is shaking again. "When I confessed to Jin-hyung, Yoongi told me I was brave for doing it," he says. "I didn't feel brave, but I think that you were. Telling Yoongi, that was so brave, Kookie. And I'm so glad you did. Because he's so happy with you. So, so happy."

Jungkook doesn't answer immediately. Sometimes words take longer, and sometimes Jungkook thinks that there's a value in not blurting out the first thing he thinks of — to take the time to sit back and assess the full picture. The good thing is that he's pretty sure Hoseok understands his explanation, though Jungkook heart aches at the knowledge of what's given Hoseok that insight. That Hoseok has loved, has confessed, without the feelings being returned in kind.

If he tries to imagine what his world would be like now were Yoongi to have refused Jungkook's affections, Jungkook thinks that he probably would have retreated to some degree from the group. That for all the fears he had about being pushed away, what might be the most damning is never knowing if his simple presence was making others uncomfortable. Making the one he loves uncomfortable.

How does one get past that?

How does one turn those emotions off?

Perhaps the only solution is to find a new love, but how long will it take for old wounds to heal enough for Hoseok to even take that chance?

He glances briefly down at his lap, pulls his hands back to play briefly with the hem of his shirt. "Hyung, if my telling Yoongi was brave, then your confession to Jin hyung was just as brave," Jungkook points out, glancing up, his expression earnest. "It's not easy, hyung. It's not easy to be a boy who loves another boy. It's not easy to confess your love when you feel like it might not be returned. When you're almost sure it won't be."

Tilting his head, Jungkook leans forward just a touch, wanting to make sure his words come across. "I know the future's scary, I know that it might be easier to give up hope. But I don't think you should, hyung. Let yourself be sad when you feel sad, but... there will be better days," Jungkook says softly.

Jungkook looks a little nervous, like he's choosing his words even more carefully now, and it makes Hoseok's heart sink a little, knowing his own sorrow is affecting Jungkook too. Jungkook's empathy is one of the things Hoseok admires most about him, something Hoseok finds particularly impressive considering the things Jungkook's gone through in his young life. He knows personally how hard it can be to avoid being bitter when the universe continually hands a person bad cards. He struggles sometimes trying to be positive and selfless himself.

He frowns softly when Jungkook tells him he was brave, confessing to Jin, because it's something he still feels extremely guilty about. He'd never thought that Jin might panic because Hoseok was a boy, the thought had somehow never crossed his mind. He doesn't know if that was the whole reason, if some of his anxiety came from how sudden it was, from having to reject Hoseok, but it doesn't matter. Hoseok's confession had ultimately upset his hyung, and Hoseok's not sure he'll ever not feel terrible about that.

One thing he's infinitely glad for is that Jungkook loves Yoongi, that Yoongi loves him back. He wouldn't want anyone to have to go through what Hoseok did with Jin, opening themselves up and getting rejected. He knows it's a fact of life, but it sucks and he's relieved Jungkook didn't have to experience it, especially after all the other disappointments in Jungkook's life.

Jungkook's a sweet kid, kind and caring, and it warms Hoseok's heart that he's suggesting that Hoseok not give up hope. It's not as easy as just believing things will be better, of course, and Jungkook knows that too. It's stupidly hard for Hoseok to hope right now, hard for him to fight through the jealousy and loneliness and just be a friend, just be happy for his friends. But he's trying, and he can try to hold on to hope too, for Jungkook if not for himself.

"I'll try," he says with a smile that he knows is a little melancholy. "It's a lot easier to be sad right now than anything else," he adds with a soft laugh. "But that'll get better too, right? It has to."

It's with a small sigh that Jungkook sits back a little, affording them both a bit of breathing room from the heaviness of the moment. Nothing is going to be made better instantly — words alone aren't salve enough for loneliness, and Jungkook can't go any deeper into details anyway, can't nudge Hoseok any closer to an understanding of the love that still lingers out there, watchful and waiting. But maybe it's enough for now that Hoseok's had the chance to bare his feelings. Jungkook wonders if there'll be a day when he doesn't feel the tinge of regret for having hurt Hoseok, however inadvertently.

He's still willing to hope for it. It's hard to imagine that there won't come a time when Hoseok's affections are returned. His position in society might make it hard, Jungkook realizes, but everything else about Hoseok's personality, his smile — they'll find purchase eventually.

"It'll get better," Jungkook says with conviction, reaching out to brush Hoseok's bangs back into place and then bumping his knuckles briefly against Hoseok's cheek, trying to coax out a wider smile. "I think every time I hit a low, I just have to remember... most days don't have to be that. If there were happy days before, there'll definitely be happy days again. There definitely will be, if you've got people around you that love you." Jungkook pulls his hands back, briefly grasping his own ankles, pulling his legs close. "And at least your dongsaeng isn't going anywhere, right? You've always got me."

Once Jungkook moves away a little Hoseok realizes that he ought to be embarrassed, having an emotional outburst like this in front of his dongsaeng, especially not when he has feelings for said dongsaeng's boyfriend. He swears he used to be better about concealing his feelings, or at least that's what he thought. Though a lot of these sorts of emotions are new to him, liking someone in this context, wanting to be liked back. He's not sure what's changed recently, but he's not sure he likes it.

"I'm happy," he says then, filling his lungs, trying to push the ache out of his chest. "I'm a lot happier than I used to be at least," he amends. "Every day I'm out of the orphanage is a better day."

It's not that the orphanage had been a bad place exactly, it had just been a constant reminder of how unwanted he was, by his own mother, by anyone else who might have been his parents. And, deep down, he knows it isn't his fault, but it's hard to shake the thoughts that maybe if he hadn't been sick, if he hadn't been a burden, his mother wouldn't have left him to fend for himself in this world.

Being on his own is harder, of course. He consistently has barely enough money to get by, has to rely very heavily on his friends to help him get some of the things he needs, clothes, food, toiletries. He tries to not be ashamed of that, tries to make sure they know he appreciates their help, to not take advantage. But at the end of the day it's all worth not being in that place, pretending that he's a normal person, one that has hopes, whose dreams could come true. He won't be able to hold on to that fantasy for much longer, but he'll cling to it as long as he can.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes after a moment of silence. "For crying, for..." He swallows, guilt closing up his throat. "What I said about Yoongi hyung, about... Even though you asked, I shouldn't have... Just, please don't let it get in the way of anything between you two. Please."

I'm happy, Hoseok claims, even though he doesn't look very happy in the moment. Jungkook tries his best to take Hoseok at his word, but it's hard when there are so many reasons Jungkook can think of at a moment's notice that could cause despair — a more trying future, less of a safety net, and having certain friends move on in ways that feel isolating. For all that Jungkook knows he wouldn't abandon his friend for the mere shine that appears elsewhere, doubt is a feeling that creeps too easily into the mind.

Briefly, Jungkook's gaze strays low, wondering what can be done. Wondering if there's anything that can help besides the passage of time.

"Hyung, these things aren't things to apologize for," Jungkook says frankly, shaking his head with a simple press of his lips. "I told you, right? I wanna be here for you, and I don't want you to hide how you feel. Not even when it's about Yoongi. I mean." He rolls his eyes slightly, shrugging in an effort to bring some levity back into the moment. "I can't exactly judge you for having a crush on him, right? That would be completely hypocritical of me."

He reaches out, wrapping a hand around Hoseok's knee and giving it a squeeze. "How you feel isn't going to get in the way of anything, so don't feel bad about that. It's only if you actively try to steal him from me that things, you know. Might get a little sticky." Jungkook grins. "But I know that's not how hyung operates."

Hoseok can't help the way a smile tugs at his mouth when Jungkook comments about his crush on Yoongi, about how he understands. It's different for Hoseok, obviously, because those feelings are unrequited, but Jungkook can see why Hoseok would feel that way about their hyung, why he'd find Yoongi desirable. They probably even see the same qualities, so much more than physical attraction, and it makes Hoseok feel better and worse all at once.

The one thing he's not is bitter that Jungkook and Yoongi are together. They feel the same way about each other, they love each other; if Hoseok's anything it's jealous, but he's never going to let his jealousy get in the way of anyone else's happiness. Not ever.

"It's not," Hoseok agrees, offering Jungkook a genuine smile, as wan and bittersweet as it is. "I'd never do that. Seeing him happy with you is more important. Seeing you two happy together." He licks his lips, takes a shaky breath. "Like you said before, I just want him to be happy. And he is. You make him happy. I'll get over the part where I wish I could be the one making him feel that way. I'm trying to get over it. And I... I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than see either of you hurt because of me."

"You make him happy too, you know," Jungkook says, his lips pressing tight, hoping that he can strike the right balance in how he conveys Yoongi's emotions to Hoseok. Because it feels important to Jungkook to give the reminder that the rest of the boys are still important to both Yoongi and himself — that the fact that the two of them are dating now doesn't mean that they want to retreat or isolate themselves from the rest. It's a worry that Jungkook's started to feel in varying degrees, given little remarks he's gotten from both Jimin and Taehyung.

If there's anything Jungkook wants to avoid, it's falling away from friendships in the wake of a new relationship.

"Like, I know maybe it's a little different, but it's still important," Jungkook points out with a small shrug of his shoulders. "You're one of his best friends. That doesn't have to change. I don't think Yoongi would want it to." With another small exhale, Jungkook shakes his head. "Either way, you're not going to hurt us, hyung. That's not going to happen. I just hope... I don't know, I really believe you'll find someone. I just hope it's sooner rather than later, hyung."

Jungkook says it to make him feel better, to be kind, to ease Hoseok's aching heart a little, but he's right when he says it's not the same. It's not that he's not glad that he still makes Yoongi happy, because that's all he wants, to make Yoongi's life – to make all his friends' lives – better. And he's not bitter about this, not full of regret or resentment toward anyone. If anything he's just jealous, of the fact that Jungkook and Yoongi love someone who loves them back.

And he appreciates Jungkook's hopes for him, even though he can't share them. He went a long time before he could even fathom letting himself have feelings like the ones he has for Yoongi, before he met anyone he could be close enough to, that he trusted enough. And that's probably a big part of it, the reason he likes Yoongi this way, likes Jin this way. He loves them, he can rely on them, they watch out for him. Maybe it's a low bar, but everything in Hoseok's life is set that way. Any amount of care is better than what he had before, any level of affection.

"I've heard that a few times," Hoseok says, his tone not unkind. "I hope you're right about it," he adds with another sad smile. "Seeing you and Yoongi-hyung, Namjoon and Jin-hyung, Jimin and Tae..." He shakes his head softly. "It just makes me want it more," he admits, laughing softly. "I want someone to love me like that. I really, really want it."

It's a lot of change, Jungkook realizes suddenly. He's always been distantly aware of how fast it all felt, so many of them suddenly finding each other, suddenly expanding their relationships past the platonic friendships they enjoyed before. It's something that he's talked about with Jimin once or twice before, but he'd always hoped that it didn't cut as deep as it might — that the smiles Hoseok offered when they all spent time together were genuine through and through.

Of course, in retrospect, it feels obvious that emotions aren't that simple. Jungkook presses his lips together as he reaches out, briefly brushing his fingertips through Hoseok's hair, then letting his hand skim down to lightly brush Hoseok's cheek before coming to a rest on his shoulder.

"Just... keep your eyes open, hyung," Jungkook suggests with a small nod. "There's like, seven billion people out in the world. Millions of people in Seoul. How can there not be a single person for Hoseokie hyung? I'm pretty sure that's mathematically impossible. I'll set you up on a million blind dates if I have to. I'm sure my mom could even come up with some ideas."

Hoseok understands what Jungkook means, what he's trying to do with his numbers, the implied statistics. When he's feeling optimistic Hoseok agrees with Jungkook, that there has to be someone out there for him, out there for everyone. He hates the bitter afterthoughts, the voice in his head that says, but why can't you have the one you actually want?

It's not that easy, he knows that, knows that life's not fair, that, in this case, getting what he wants means someone he loves doesn't, and that's a trade he would never even think of making. He just wishes there was some way they could all be happy, that they could all have what (and who) they want, himself included.

It just isn't possible. And if any of them is going to be lonely and sad, Hoseok's glad it's him and not anyone else.

As if to prove how attention starved he's been feeling he shivers at the touch of Jungkook's fingers in his hair, against his cheek, and he wants to take Jungkook's hand, clutch it, beg for contact, but he forces himself to sit still, to breathe.

"I'm not sure I'd be good at blind dates," he says, convincing himself to smile. He doesn't say why, doesn't mention that most people wouldn't be happy to learn that their date was someone like him, no family, no future, doesn't voice his concerns at getting Jungkook's mother involved, the backlash that could occur. He takes a breath, tries to make his smile genuine. "I'll be fine. I won't be alone forever, right?"

You're not alone, Jungkook wants to say, you've got all six of us. But maybe saying so would only hurt more, come across as condescending when he doesn't mean to be, especially in light of his own new relationship. It's hard to know where that line is exactly, Jungkook thinks. Hard to figure out the right mix that might make Hoseok come around, not isolate himself for fear of intruding, not feel so bereft of attachment.

He's been worried ever since Yoongi told him about the kiss, and now Jungkook can only feel those worries digging deeper, wonders if he should refrain from being too affectionate with Yoongi when they're in a group setting. He can probably manage that much, at least.

Wonders if there should be more outings where it isn't the full group — where Hoseok doesn't have to feel like the odd one out.

But for now, there's no instant solution. Only an attempt at making it clear that Jungkook doesn't plan on abandoning him — or anyone else — simply because he's in a relationship now.

"You definitely won't be alone forever. I'd bet my life on that," he nods.

Hoseok's being a burden right now, he knows he is. Jungkook is happy and Yoongi is happy, all of his friends are, and his sadness isn't helping any of them, isn't helping him either. He's been trying to be as supportive as he can, keeping all those selfish feelings to himself, but he's failing now, faltering, and he feels guilty for every frown on Jungkook's face, every indication of sympathy. Of course his friend is empathetic to his sorrow; Jungkook is such a sweet, giving person, one who takes his hyung's troubles as his own. But that doesn't mean Hoseok wants to lean on him like this, to make him feel bad for being happy when Hoseok isn't.

Hoseok shakes his head, offering a smile as he catches Jungkook's hand, giving it a squeeze. "Don't do that," he says gently. "Don't bet your life on anything, Jungkookie. Especially not on something for anyone but yourself."

It's not just that Hoseok feels like Jungkook's gamble, as symbolic as it is, isn't a very good one, it's more that he doesn't want Jungkook to feel even a little responsible for Hoseok's happiness or sadness. He should be focused on himself, on his relationship with Yoongi, on the joy that comes with loving someone and having them love you back.

"Don't worry about me, okay?" Hoseok says, giving Jungkook's hand another squeeze before letting it go. "I'll be okay, I promise."

Jungkook opens his mouth to protest, but finds that it's hard to figure out exactly what it is that doesn't sit properly with him. The idea of only placing his attention and risks on himself and his own happiness feels wrong, not just for the inherent selfishness, but also because it just doesn't feel possible. When Jungkook tries to reflect upon who he thinks he is, who he wants to lay stakes for, he finds that it's impossible to extricate himself from his hyungs.

Without them, who is he, really? Who was he, before Taehyung first reached out to him?

Afraid and nervous. Always focused on making sure his steps never crossed the line, on following his father's orders as best he could, even if it would never yield the pride and affection Jungkook hoped to inspire.

"I don't think I can not worry about you or any of the others, hyung," Jungkook frowns. "And that's not me being stubborn or anything, it's... I mean, you're all my family. So you're like a part of me. Of course I'd bet my life on all of you. Any of you."

Hoseok understands that, believing in the others, being willing to give up his own happiness or comfort to make any of their lives better. He'd sooner seen them thriving and finding joy than holding onto it for himself.

But he also feels like he's not worth that sentiment turned back around. It wasn't his choice to be where he is in life, but maybe it was his fault. If he'd been a better son, if he'd been healthy and normal, maybe his mother wouldn't have given him up.

And now he's becoming that same kind of burden to his friends. He trusts them and he loves them and he needs them, probably more than they realize. He can't lose them, not now that he has hands to hold him up, to keep him safe. Which means he has to be careful how much he leans on them, how much he lets them see. He's so much uglier on the inside, ugly enough to make them all turn their backs on him.

He wants to say he isn't worth Jungkook's worry because it's true, but he doesn't want to shun Jungkook's kindness either. "You're my family too," he says, also true, more important. "All of you are, but you're as close to a real brother as I'll ever have, Jungkook. And I'm so thankful for you. I don't want to make you worry."

There's no way to quickly erase the melancholy from Hoseok's expression, or to push away lonely thoughts from his mind. Moods like that have a tendency to linger, Jungkook knows, until there's distraction enough to pull one's mind away — distraction of a sort that Jungkook probably can't offer today, not when he sits there as a physical reminder of how some of Hoseok's friends have found a deeper kind of affection for one another. (Is deeper the right word? Maybe not. But different, to be sure.)

But Jungkook tries nonetheless to make the moment a gentler one, reaching out towards Hoseok's hair, brushing it lightly to either side and exposing his forehead. He's not sure what the best outcome is that he should be hoping for. Some mix, perhaps, of Hoseok coming to realize that there are people who like him that way, and for him to meet someone who can reciprocate his own desires directly.

Even, Jungkook thinks to himself, if that happens to pull Hoseok a little bit away from the group. He still hopes that it'll happen. Because he's sure that Hoseok would be the type to dole out that love in spades, and it'd be a shame for the opportunity to go unrealized.

"I don't think it's so bad for someone to worry a healthy amount. It builds character," Jungkook says, his tone light as he smiles. "Besides, I've been told that I might even look mature if I had a few worry lines here or there, you know?"

Touch is one of those things Hoseok has always craved, of which he has always felt starved. One thing he remembers about his mother is that she used to touch him gently when he couldn't sleep, rubbing his chest and stroking his arms, his forehead, and the way Jungkook brushes his hair back reminds him of that a little, a similar sort of comfort. He exhales a sigh of mixed emotions, of fondness for Jungkook, of the aching longing he has carried and will always carry for his mother, of the bone deep loneliness he can never seem to escape, even when he's surrounded by his friends.

"You already look mature," Hoseok says, trying to breathe through the heaviness in his heart. "And you have enough to worry about already without adding this hyung to the list."

Hoseok offers a smile, pats Jungkook's knee affectionately. He feels better in some ways and worse in others, but being able to put some of his locked down feelings into the world has to be better than bottling it all up. Maybe when he's had some more time he'll feel lighter for it. What he does know for sure is that he's grateful for Jungkook's patience, his kindness, and his presence in Hoseok's life.

"Thank you again for bringing all this food," he says, sitting back a little. "And everything else. Thank you, Jungkookie."

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