𝕒 𝕡𝕚𝕒𝕔𝕖𝕣𝕖

[lovestrippedbare]

It takes a while before Jungkook decides on exactly what to bring to Yoongi's place. He already feels a little foolish, having overlooked the fact that Yoongi surely doesn't have the same luxury of time that they did before — that they probably should have been more mindful of even then, as hindsight tells them now. Even if Yoongi doesn't live in a place that requires rent, it's clear that he still needs to work enough to pay for food and drink, and perhaps for shelter as well on nights that aren't as forgiving in climate. There probably aren't many jobs so willing to part with money when their employee doesn't have a permanent address.

The thought halts Jungkook's hand as he reaches out towards the store shelves. To bring too much now might only make Yoongi feel worse about his position, and Jungkook needs to be thoughtful with what exactly he brings, at that. Nothing too perishable. Maybe something warm, Jungkook thinks, that can heat up with a bit of water from an electric kettle.

A few bowls of ramyeon, various flavors. Several rolls of kimbap that Jungkook tells himself he'll partake of equally, so that Yoongi feels less burdened. Chips, chocolate, banana milk and soda. Next time, he'll bring something a little healthier, but for now, Jungkook's primary objective is to check out as quickly as possible, rushing on his way to Yoongi's place, even though he's already gotten the warning that Yoongi might not show up until well after dark.

No matter. By the time he shows up at the building, Jungkook seats himself on an abandoned plastic crate, sipping at his carton of milk while he opens up his textbooks, using the remaining light from the day to get started on his homework. For once, it feels like the effort won't be in vain.

Just three more months and he'll have graduated, and this won't be a dance that there's any more need to play.

Comments

[likedriedflowerpetals]

The sound of Jungkook's voice is enough to make Yoongi feel like his heart is shattering. He sounds so sad, so hurt, and Yoongi can't even bring himself to be there for him. To fix his own mess. Even his body seems to betray him; he wants to reach out, to slip his fingers beneath the door so Jungkook can see him, or to reach up and open the door. Instead he stays balled up, his face hidden against a knee. Even if he could do it, would he? He can barely breathe. How could he bring himself to let Jungkook see him like this, least of all when Jungkook is why he's so fucking anxious?

He hates that most, perhaps, of everything about himself now. That he could be anxious about the one person who's ever brought him real comfort from his fears is impossibly cruel and nothing he seems able to change, just another weakness, another flaw, built into him now. Another reason not to inflict himself on Jungkook.

"I can't," he mumbles into denim, eyes squeezing shut. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."

Footsteps retreat and if Jungkook leaves now, Yoongi has the feeling he might never come back, and then what's the point? What the fuck is Yoongi living for if he's going to let things end like this? What use is he to Jungkook if he doesn't have the strength it takes anymore to be there for him?

Why would he come back? Yoongi won't even open the door.

Can't, maybe, his body too tense for movement, his throat too tight for words.

This is better, he tries to tell himself. Jungkook can move on now. And if Yoongi doesn't really want him to, that's just him being selfish. In the end, Jungkook is better off without him, no matter what he might think. Yoongi's not even sure how much longer he'll be around anyway. They love each other, but the voice in the back of his head says it's not enough. He's not enough. Maybe Jungkook will see that now.