lovestrippedbare | 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖

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hoseok

𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕣𝕒𝕟𝕥𝕖

When Jungkook can joined his band of hyungs a little over a year ago, Hoseok was one of the first that he had taken to spending a lot of time with. Even though he knew that Hoseok didn't necessarily think of it in the same way, there was something freeing about the fact that Hoseok wasn't beholden to any specific adults — that he had his own place, however small, where every decision was his to make. And even outside of the backdrop of his apartment, Hoseok always had a smile and a kind word to give, never giving Jungkook the impression that he was judging anyone in the slightest.

Being around Hoseok was comfortable, like having a true older brother.

It's only now that Jungkook realizes it's been weeks since he last spent time alone with Hoseok, caught up as he's been with the flush of a new relationship. He asks for his mom to pack him several extra kimbap, noting that he plans to visit Hoseok at the dance studio, and immediately his mother goes overboard packing a bunch of banchan, all the sides that Hoseok likes best. For good measure, he packs a couple bottles of Sprite too.

To be honest, dancing itself isn't the biggest thing on Jungkook's mind — his stomach flutters with the indecision of whether or not bring up the fact that Yoongi's told him about the shared kisses, the shared intimacy over the phone. It doesn't feel strictly necessary, but Jungkook hates the feel of it hanging over his head, ignored and unacknowledged.

Maybe a natural opportunity will come up, he thinks to himself.

For now, he rushes over to the room where Hoseok teaches, having arrived well before the first wave of students. Peeking through the door with a smile, Jungkook raps on the wood.

"Hyung!"

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Jungkook looks a little nervous, like he's choosing his words even more carefully now, and it makes Hoseok's heart sink a little, knowing his own sorrow is affecting Jungkook too. Jungkook's empathy is one of the things Hoseok admires most about him, something Hoseok finds particularly impressive considering the things Jungkook's gone through in his young life. He knows personally how hard it can be to avoid being bitter when the universe continually hands a person bad cards. He struggles sometimes trying to be positive and selfless himself.

He frowns softly when Jungkook tells him he was brave, confessing to Jin, because it's something he still feels extremely guilty about. He'd never thought that Jin might panic because Hoseok was a boy, the thought had somehow never crossed his mind. He doesn't know if that was the whole reason, if some of his anxiety came from how sudden it was, from having to reject Hoseok, but it doesn't matter. Hoseok's confession had ultimately upset his hyung, and Hoseok's not sure he'll ever not feel terrible about that.

One thing he's infinitely glad for is that Jungkook loves Yoongi, that Yoongi loves him back. He wouldn't want anyone to have to go through what Hoseok did with Jin, opening themselves up and getting rejected. He knows it's a fact of life, but it sucks and he's relieved Jungkook didn't have to experience it, especially after all the other disappointments in Jungkook's life.

Jungkook's a sweet kid, kind and caring, and it warms Hoseok's heart that he's suggesting that Hoseok not give up hope. It's not as easy as just believing things will be better, of course, and Jungkook knows that too. It's stupidly hard for Hoseok to hope right now, hard for him to fight through the jealousy and loneliness and just be a friend, just be happy for his friends. But he's trying, and he can try to hold on to hope too, for Jungkook if not for himself.

"I'll try," he says with a smile that he knows is a little melancholy. "It's a lot easier to be sad right now than anything else," he adds with a soft laugh. "But that'll get better too, right? It has to."

It's with a small sigh that Jungkook sits back a little, affording them both a bit of breathing room from the heaviness of the moment. Nothing is going to be made better instantly — words alone aren't salve enough for loneliness, and Jungkook can't go any deeper into details anyway, can't nudge Hoseok any closer to an understanding of the love that still lingers out there, watchful and waiting. But maybe it's enough for now that Hoseok's had the chance to bare his feelings. Jungkook wonders if there'll be a day when he doesn't feel the tinge of regret for having hurt Hoseok, however inadvertently.

He's still willing to hope for it. It's hard to imagine that there won't come a time when Hoseok's affections are returned. His position in society might make it hard, Jungkook realizes, but everything else about Hoseok's personality, his smile — they'll find purchase eventually.

"It'll get better," Jungkook says with conviction, reaching out to brush Hoseok's bangs back into place and then bumping his knuckles briefly against Hoseok's cheek, trying to coax out a wider smile. "I think every time I hit a low, I just have to remember... most days don't have to be that. If there were happy days before, there'll definitely be happy days again. There definitely will be, if you've got people around you that love you." Jungkook pulls his hands back, briefly grasping his own ankles, pulling his legs close. "And at least your dongsaeng isn't going anywhere, right? You've always got me."

Once Jungkook moves away a little Hoseok realizes that he ought to be embarrassed, having an emotional outburst like this in front of his dongsaeng, especially not when he has feelings for said dongsaeng's boyfriend. He swears he used to be better about concealing his feelings, or at least that's what he thought. Though a lot of these sorts of emotions are new to him, liking someone in this context, wanting to be liked back. He's not sure what's changed recently, but he's not sure he likes it.

"I'm happy," he says then, filling his lungs, trying to push the ache out of his chest. "I'm a lot happier than I used to be at least," he amends. "Every day I'm out of the orphanage is a better day."

It's not that the orphanage had been a bad place exactly, it had just been a constant reminder of how unwanted he was, by his own mother, by anyone else who might have been his parents. And, deep down, he knows it isn't his fault, but it's hard to shake the thoughts that maybe if he hadn't been sick, if he hadn't been a burden, his mother wouldn't have left him to fend for himself in this world.

Being on his own is harder, of course. He consistently has barely enough money to get by, has to rely very heavily on his friends to help him get some of the things he needs, clothes, food, toiletries. He tries to not be ashamed of that, tries to make sure they know he appreciates their help, to not take advantage. But at the end of the day it's all worth not being in that place, pretending that he's a normal person, one that has hopes, whose dreams could come true. He won't be able to hold on to that fantasy for much longer, but he'll cling to it as long as he can.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes after a moment of silence. "For crying, for..." He swallows, guilt closing up his throat. "What I said about Yoongi hyung, about... Even though you asked, I shouldn't have... Just, please don't let it get in the way of anything between you two. Please."

I'm happy, Hoseok claims, even though he doesn't look very happy in the moment. Jungkook tries his best to take Hoseok at his word, but it's hard when there are so many reasons Jungkook can think of at a moment's notice that could cause despair — a more trying future, less of a safety net, and having certain friends move on in ways that feel isolating. For all that Jungkook knows he wouldn't abandon his friend for the mere shine that appears elsewhere, doubt is a feeling that creeps too easily into the mind.

Briefly, Jungkook's gaze strays low, wondering what can be done. Wondering if there's anything that can help besides the passage of time.

"Hyung, these things aren't things to apologize for," Jungkook says frankly, shaking his head with a simple press of his lips. "I told you, right? I wanna be here for you, and I don't want you to hide how you feel. Not even when it's about Yoongi. I mean." He rolls his eyes slightly, shrugging in an effort to bring some levity back into the moment. "I can't exactly judge you for having a crush on him, right? That would be completely hypocritical of me."

He reaches out, wrapping a hand around Hoseok's knee and giving it a squeeze. "How you feel isn't going to get in the way of anything, so don't feel bad about that. It's only if you actively try to steal him from me that things, you know. Might get a little sticky." Jungkook grins. "But I know that's not how hyung operates."

Hoseok can't help the way a smile tugs at his mouth when Jungkook comments about his crush on Yoongi, about how he understands. It's different for Hoseok, obviously, because those feelings are unrequited, but Jungkook can see why Hoseok would feel that way about their hyung, why he'd find Yoongi desirable. They probably even see the same qualities, so much more than physical attraction, and it makes Hoseok feel better and worse all at once.

The one thing he's not is bitter that Jungkook and Yoongi are together. They feel the same way about each other, they love each other; if Hoseok's anything it's jealous, but he's never going to let his jealousy get in the way of anyone else's happiness. Not ever.

"It's not," Hoseok agrees, offering Jungkook a genuine smile, as wan and bittersweet as it is. "I'd never do that. Seeing him happy with you is more important. Seeing you two happy together." He licks his lips, takes a shaky breath. "Like you said before, I just want him to be happy. And he is. You make him happy. I'll get over the part where I wish I could be the one making him feel that way. I'm trying to get over it. And I... I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than see either of you hurt because of me."

"You make him happy too, you know," Jungkook says, his lips pressing tight, hoping that he can strike the right balance in how he conveys Yoongi's emotions to Hoseok. Because it feels important to Jungkook to give the reminder that the rest of the boys are still important to both Yoongi and himself — that the fact that the two of them are dating now doesn't mean that they want to retreat or isolate themselves from the rest. It's a worry that Jungkook's started to feel in varying degrees, given little remarks he's gotten from both Jimin and Taehyung.

If there's anything Jungkook wants to avoid, it's falling away from friendships in the wake of a new relationship.

"Like, I know maybe it's a little different, but it's still important," Jungkook points out with a small shrug of his shoulders. "You're one of his best friends. That doesn't have to change. I don't think Yoongi would want it to." With another small exhale, Jungkook shakes his head. "Either way, you're not going to hurt us, hyung. That's not going to happen. I just hope... I don't know, I really believe you'll find someone. I just hope it's sooner rather than later, hyung."

Jungkook says it to make him feel better, to be kind, to ease Hoseok's aching heart a little, but he's right when he says it's not the same. It's not that he's not glad that he still makes Yoongi happy, because that's all he wants, to make Yoongi's life – to make all his friends' lives – better. And he's not bitter about this, not full of regret or resentment toward anyone. If anything he's just jealous, of the fact that Jungkook and Yoongi love someone who loves them back.

And he appreciates Jungkook's hopes for him, even though he can't share them. He went a long time before he could even fathom letting himself have feelings like the ones he has for Yoongi, before he met anyone he could be close enough to, that he trusted enough. And that's probably a big part of it, the reason he likes Yoongi this way, likes Jin this way. He loves them, he can rely on them, they watch out for him. Maybe it's a low bar, but everything in Hoseok's life is set that way. Any amount of care is better than what he had before, any level of affection.

"I've heard that a few times," Hoseok says, his tone not unkind. "I hope you're right about it," he adds with another sad smile. "Seeing you and Yoongi-hyung, Namjoon and Jin-hyung, Jimin and Tae..." He shakes his head softly. "It just makes me want it more," he admits, laughing softly. "I want someone to love me like that. I really, really want it."

It's a lot of change, Jungkook realizes suddenly. He's always been distantly aware of how fast it all felt, so many of them suddenly finding each other, suddenly expanding their relationships past the platonic friendships they enjoyed before. It's something that he's talked about with Jimin once or twice before, but he'd always hoped that it didn't cut as deep as it might — that the smiles Hoseok offered when they all spent time together were genuine through and through.

Of course, in retrospect, it feels obvious that emotions aren't that simple. Jungkook presses his lips together as he reaches out, briefly brushing his fingertips through Hoseok's hair, then letting his hand skim down to lightly brush Hoseok's cheek before coming to a rest on his shoulder.

"Just... keep your eyes open, hyung," Jungkook suggests with a small nod. "There's like, seven billion people out in the world. Millions of people in Seoul. How can there not be a single person for Hoseokie hyung? I'm pretty sure that's mathematically impossible. I'll set you up on a million blind dates if I have to. I'm sure my mom could even come up with some ideas."

Hoseok understands what Jungkook means, what he's trying to do with his numbers, the implied statistics. When he's feeling optimistic Hoseok agrees with Jungkook, that there has to be someone out there for him, out there for everyone. He hates the bitter afterthoughts, the voice in his head that says, but why can't you have the one you actually want?

It's not that easy, he knows that, knows that life's not fair, that, in this case, getting what he wants means someone he loves doesn't, and that's a trade he would never even think of making. He just wishes there was some way they could all be happy, that they could all have what (and who) they want, himself included.

It just isn't possible. And if any of them is going to be lonely and sad, Hoseok's glad it's him and not anyone else.

As if to prove how attention starved he's been feeling he shivers at the touch of Jungkook's fingers in his hair, against his cheek, and he wants to take Jungkook's hand, clutch it, beg for contact, but he forces himself to sit still, to breathe.

"I'm not sure I'd be good at blind dates," he says, convincing himself to smile. He doesn't say why, doesn't mention that most people wouldn't be happy to learn that their date was someone like him, no family, no future, doesn't voice his concerns at getting Jungkook's mother involved, the backlash that could occur. He takes a breath, tries to make his smile genuine. "I'll be fine. I won't be alone forever, right?"

You're not alone, Jungkook wants to say, you've got all six of us. But maybe saying so would only hurt more, come across as condescending when he doesn't mean to be, especially in light of his own new relationship. It's hard to know where that line is exactly, Jungkook thinks. Hard to figure out the right mix that might make Hoseok come around, not isolate himself for fear of intruding, not feel so bereft of attachment.

He's been worried ever since Yoongi told him about the kiss, and now Jungkook can only feel those worries digging deeper, wonders if he should refrain from being too affectionate with Yoongi when they're in a group setting. He can probably manage that much, at least.

Wonders if there should be more outings where it isn't the full group — where Hoseok doesn't have to feel like the odd one out.

But for now, there's no instant solution. Only an attempt at making it clear that Jungkook doesn't plan on abandoning him — or anyone else — simply because he's in a relationship now.

"You definitely won't be alone forever. I'd bet my life on that," he nods.

Hoseok's being a burden right now, he knows he is. Jungkook is happy and Yoongi is happy, all of his friends are, and his sadness isn't helping any of them, isn't helping him either. He's been trying to be as supportive as he can, keeping all those selfish feelings to himself, but he's failing now, faltering, and he feels guilty for every frown on Jungkook's face, every indication of sympathy. Of course his friend is empathetic to his sorrow; Jungkook is such a sweet, giving person, one who takes his hyung's troubles as his own. But that doesn't mean Hoseok wants to lean on him like this, to make him feel bad for being happy when Hoseok isn't.

Hoseok shakes his head, offering a smile as he catches Jungkook's hand, giving it a squeeze. "Don't do that," he says gently. "Don't bet your life on anything, Jungkookie. Especially not on something for anyone but yourself."

It's not just that Hoseok feels like Jungkook's gamble, as symbolic as it is, isn't a very good one, it's more that he doesn't want Jungkook to feel even a little responsible for Hoseok's happiness or sadness. He should be focused on himself, on his relationship with Yoongi, on the joy that comes with loving someone and having them love you back.

"Don't worry about me, okay?" Hoseok says, giving Jungkook's hand another squeeze before letting it go. "I'll be okay, I promise."

Jungkook opens his mouth to protest, but finds that it's hard to figure out exactly what it is that doesn't sit properly with him. The idea of only placing his attention and risks on himself and his own happiness feels wrong, not just for the inherent selfishness, but also because it just doesn't feel possible. When Jungkook tries to reflect upon who he thinks he is, who he wants to lay stakes for, he finds that it's impossible to extricate himself from his hyungs.

Without them, who is he, really? Who was he, before Taehyung first reached out to him?

Afraid and nervous. Always focused on making sure his steps never crossed the line, on following his father's orders as best he could, even if it would never yield the pride and affection Jungkook hoped to inspire.

"I don't think I can not worry about you or any of the others, hyung," Jungkook frowns. "And that's not me being stubborn or anything, it's... I mean, you're all my family. So you're like a part of me. Of course I'd bet my life on all of you. Any of you."

Hoseok understands that, believing in the others, being willing to give up his own happiness or comfort to make any of their lives better. He'd sooner seen them thriving and finding joy than holding onto it for himself.

But he also feels like he's not worth that sentiment turned back around. It wasn't his choice to be where he is in life, but maybe it was his fault. If he'd been a better son, if he'd been healthy and normal, maybe his mother wouldn't have given him up.

And now he's becoming that same kind of burden to his friends. He trusts them and he loves them and he needs them, probably more than they realize. He can't lose them, not now that he has hands to hold him up, to keep him safe. Which means he has to be careful how much he leans on them, how much he lets them see. He's so much uglier on the inside, ugly enough to make them all turn their backs on him.

He wants to say he isn't worth Jungkook's worry because it's true, but he doesn't want to shun Jungkook's kindness either. "You're my family too," he says, also true, more important. "All of you are, but you're as close to a real brother as I'll ever have, Jungkook. And I'm so thankful for you. I don't want to make you worry."

There's no way to quickly erase the melancholy from Hoseok's expression, or to push away lonely thoughts from his mind. Moods like that have a tendency to linger, Jungkook knows, until there's distraction enough to pull one's mind away — distraction of a sort that Jungkook probably can't offer today, not when he sits there as a physical reminder of how some of Hoseok's friends have found a deeper kind of affection for one another. (Is deeper the right word? Maybe not. But different, to be sure.)

But Jungkook tries nonetheless to make the moment a gentler one, reaching out towards Hoseok's hair, brushing it lightly to either side and exposing his forehead. He's not sure what the best outcome is that he should be hoping for. Some mix, perhaps, of Hoseok coming to realize that there are people who like him that way, and for him to meet someone who can reciprocate his own desires directly.

Even, Jungkook thinks to himself, if that happens to pull Hoseok a little bit away from the group. He still hopes that it'll happen. Because he's sure that Hoseok would be the type to dole out that love in spades, and it'd be a shame for the opportunity to go unrealized.

"I don't think it's so bad for someone to worry a healthy amount. It builds character," Jungkook says, his tone light as he smiles. "Besides, I've been told that I might even look mature if I had a few worry lines here or there, you know?"

Touch is one of those things Hoseok has always craved, of which he has always felt starved. One thing he remembers about his mother is that she used to touch him gently when he couldn't sleep, rubbing his chest and stroking his arms, his forehead, and the way Jungkook brushes his hair back reminds him of that a little, a similar sort of comfort. He exhales a sigh of mixed emotions, of fondness for Jungkook, of the aching longing he has carried and will always carry for his mother, of the bone deep loneliness he can never seem to escape, even when he's surrounded by his friends.

"You already look mature," Hoseok says, trying to breathe through the heaviness in his heart. "And you have enough to worry about already without adding this hyung to the list."

Hoseok offers a smile, pats Jungkook's knee affectionately. He feels better in some ways and worse in others, but being able to put some of his locked down feelings into the world has to be better than bottling it all up. Maybe when he's had some more time he'll feel lighter for it. What he does know for sure is that he's grateful for Jungkook's patience, his kindness, and his presence in Hoseok's life.

"Thank you again for bringing all this food," he says, sitting back a little. "And everything else. Thank you, Jungkookie."

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