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jeon jΟ…ngΔΈooΔΈ ([personal profile] lovestrippedbare) wrote2018-12-23 10:43 am
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When Jungkook can joined his band of hyungs a little over a year ago, Hoseok was one of the first that he had taken to spending a lot of time with. Even though he knew that Hoseok didn't necessarily think of it in the same way, there was something freeing about the fact that Hoseok wasn't beholden to any specific adults — that he had his own place, however small, where every decision was his to make. And even outside of the backdrop of his apartment, Hoseok always had a smile and a kind word to give, never giving Jungkook the impression that he was judging anyone in the slightest.

Being around Hoseok was comfortable, like having a true older brother.

It's only now that Jungkook realizes it's been weeks since he last spent time alone with Hoseok, caught up as he's been with the flush of a new relationship. He asks for his mom to pack him several extra kimbap, noting that he plans to visit Hoseok at the dance studio, and immediately his mother goes overboard packing a bunch of banchan, all the sides that Hoseok likes best. For good measure, he packs a couple bottles of Sprite too.

To be honest, dancing itself isn't the biggest thing on Jungkook's mind — his stomach flutters with the indecision of whether or not bring up the fact that Yoongi's told him about the shared kisses, the shared intimacy over the phone. It doesn't feel strictly necessary, but Jungkook hates the feel of it hanging over his head, ignored and unacknowledged.

Maybe a natural opportunity will come up, he thinks to himself.

For now, he rushes over to the room where Hoseok teaches, having arrived well before the first wave of students. Peeking through the door with a smile, Jungkook raps on the wood.

"Hyung!"

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-01-29 04:23 am (UTC)(link)
Hoseok's reviewing some video on his phone, a class someone recorded at a studio in America. It's not that he's out of ideas, he just sometimes likes the idea of trying something new, something even he's never really tried before. He won't be able to use it in his class today, probably, but he might have sometime to work on it for later, depending on when Jungkook comes by.

He's really excited to see Jungkook today. Things have been quiet for him the last few weeks, which is a good thing, honestly, though it lets him get into his head too much sometimes. He does better when he's around people, especially the ones he cares about most. It's not that he's been alone, really, but some of his friends have needed space, alone time together, and he has been more than happy to stay out of their way in the meantime.

But he's really glad Jungkook offered to come by today. He misses Jungkook when he doesn't get to spend time with him, misses his positivity and his cute, bright smile.

As if Jungkook somehow knows Hoseok's thinking about him he chooses that moment to arrive, knocking on the frame of the door.

"Kookie," he says happily when he looks up, meeting Jungkook's eyes, smiling widely. "Come in!" He closes the video app on his phone and turns it off, slipping it into his pocket as he crosses the floor to meet Jungkook.

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-01-29 09:46 pm (UTC)(link)
"We can sit back by the stereo," Hoseok answers, because the space is out of the way, is usually just used by the teachers and not the dancers. There isn't any furniture in the room, unfortunately, but Hoseok doesn't mind sitting on the floor, and he's pretty sure Jungkook doesn't have a problem with it either.

"I should have thought ahead and brought a blanket to sit on or something," he says as he goes to move his bag out of the way. "Your mom spoils me so much," he goes on as his stomach growls, thinking of all the food Jungkook's bringing from home.

He can't remember eating home cooked food as a kid, and the food at the orphanage was never anything that would win any awards. But since he's been in high school he's been routinely fed homemade food by Jungkook's mom, by Jin-hyung, and he couldn't be more grateful for the generosity of his friends.

"Did you want to stay for the class?" he asks as he sits down, crossing his legs. "We can dance on our own afterward too. Or instead, whichever," he goes on. He's not sure he'll be able to show Jungkook anything better or more interesting than Jimin has, but he's always happy to dance and to share his love of it with others.

He smiles as he waits for Jungkook to sit down, and he notices how happy Jungkook looks, just the way he moves and speaks. Not that Jungkook looked sad before, he's just glowing now, for lack of a better way to put it. Hoseok thinks he has an idea why and it makes his heart feel light. And he gets it; he'd be glowing if he was in that situation too. Sometimes he can't help being a little jealous, but he's more happy for his friends than anything else. Seeing them happy makes him happy, and that's enough for him.

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-01-30 10:33 pm (UTC)(link)
"Maybe she knows you get spoiled by all your hyungs too," Hoseok replies with a wink. It's not untrue, especially when it comes to Jin-hyung, though Hoseok doesn't have much of an opportunity to do as much as some of the others do. He's always happy when there's something he can do for his friends, something he can offer them.

"Tell your mother I said thank you," he says more seriously as he tips his head in a bow. "And thank you for bringing it! I think you and Jin-hyung are single handedly keeping me from being malnourished," he jokes lightly as he takes the proffered chopsticks and slots them into the familiar places against his fingers.

"Don't worry about the class," Hoseok tells Jungkook as he grabs a container with sweet potatoes, one of his favorite side dishes. "But, for the record, I totally think you could keep up with it," he adds. Jungkook has this preternatural ability to pick things up that Hoseok is infinitely jealous of, and dance, so far, isn't an exception. Not that he doesn't understand Jungkook's trepidation, he just thinks Jungkook's better than Jungkook things he is. "You pick things up so fast," he comments, then takes a bite of his food.

After he swallows he sighs happily; Jungkook's mother is an excellent cook. He feels so spoiled.

"How are things?" he asks then, picking up another piece of food with his chopsticks. "How are classes? How's, you know, being a boyfriend?" he asks with a conspiratorial little smile.

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-01 09:33 pm (UTC)(link)
Hoseok feels guilty when Jungkook starts coughing, didn't think his question would catch Jungkook quite so off guard. If he wasn't so far away he'd slap Jungkook on the back, but Jungkook catches his breath soon enough, though his face remains a very dark shade of red. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to surprise you with that," he says with a sheepish, sympathetic smile.

He listens intently to Jungkook's answer, not just because he's genuinely interested to learn how Jungkook feels but because he honestly doesn't know what it might be like, dating someone. He wouldn't say he wants to live vicariously through his dongsaeng or anything creepy like that, he's just really, really curious.

He feels a fond smile spreading across his face as Jungkook describes it, noting the way the tips of Jungkook's ears go redder as he speaks. "It sounds nice," he agrees, grinning and reaching for a piece of kimbap himself.

"I mean, I'm not really surprised, but I'm so glad to hear it too," he goes on. "You both seem so happy, and I haven't wanted to pry at all, but I'm just..." He stops to take a deep breath, shaking his head softly. "I'm really, really glad you guys have each other. That it's going so well. I know Yoongi-hyung likes you a whole lot."

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-04 07:54 pm (UTC)(link)
The way Hoseok reacts to Jungkook's words is unexpected; there's a deep fondness there, always there for Jungkook, and happiness too, because of course Hoseok is happy for Jungkook, for Yoongi, for their happiness. But he's blindsided by the feeling that rises up a second later, like the lightness in his chest is closing over, a black cloud wrapping around his heart and tugging it.

It takes your breath away to know that someone else loves you in that way. That someone thinks you're precious, like you're the best thing in the world.

Hoseok's been rejected a couple of times in his life, and the experiences weren't great, but he's never carried any sort of negative feelings for the people who have told him he isn't what they want. He doesn't get upset at people for their feelings, no matter what they are. Maybe he gets upset with himself a little, for aiming too high, but then he understands that pretty much everything is out of his reach. It's no one's fault (well, his mother's, if anyone could be held accountable, but he doesn't even know her story well enough to place the blame completely on her), it just is.

He knows he'll never feel that, what Jungkook is describing. He's known it for a while. And usually he's okay, but something about this is getting to him a little.

And then Jungkook mentions kissing Yoongi, Jungkook kissing him, Hoseok kissing him, and it all makes sense.

It had only been two days, and it had come with the understanding of what it was, what it meant, but maybe for those two days Hoseok had gotten a little taste of that, of being precious to someone. And he never had hope of things being more than platonic between him and Yoongi, he'd known how Yoongi felt about Jungkook even though he didn't know Jungkook felt the same way. He's happy for them, so happy. But maybe he's a little sad for himself. Even though he doesn't want to be.

Yoongi told him that Jungkook knew about the kissing. Yoongi told him Jungkook had been jealous but not upset, not mad at him. And Jungkook's smiling at him now, not angry, not going to yell or make him feel bad. Hoseok's heart is just completely failing him. He can't imagine what expression must be on his face right now.

"I uh," he starts, shaking his head and telling himself to smile back. "Yoongi told me he told you," he fumbles out, his pulse skipping a little, maybe afraid, maybe anxious. "So you know I knew that, um. How he felt about you. Before we kissed." He takes a breath. He might be having a panic attack.

"It was my first kiss," he blurts then, and he doesn't know why. His hands are shaking. "I wanted, he said something about kissing me, it was a joke," he laughs nervously at the memory. "I didn't think he'd say yes when I asked if he wanted to kiss me for real. He told me about you, he thought he didn't have a chance, I just wanted to kiss someone I trust." He's babbling, he's barely making sense, and he shuts his mouth to stop himself.

"He said you weren't mad, but, I mean. It's okay if you are," he says then, as calmly as he can. "I'll understand if you are."

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-04 08:32 pm (UTC)(link)
Hoseok wants to stop trembling, especially when Jungkook grabs his hands, Jungkook's warm and big and comforting, and Hoseok didn't realize his own were so cold until he has Jungkook's warmth wrapped around him. He wants to stop shaking, but he can't, not when Jungkook's being so calm and sweet and Hoseok feels guilt wrapping around his guts, pulling tight.

He's talked himself out of that feeling a few times since Jungkook and Yoongi got together. He's told himself that he didn't make Yoongi do anything he didn't want to, that the kisses (and anything else) they shared meant something to both of them, but Yoongi's heart already belonged to someone else. They did everything with that in mind. Hoseok had always been very careful to make sure to remind Yoongi he knew that.

And then Jungkook asks a question, the question, and Hoseok's heart clenches.

If he had time to think, if this was over text or maybe even over the phone and he had a moment to breathe before he responded, he'd probably make a joke. Of course I like Yoongi, he say. He's my best friend.. But Jungkook is right here, looking at his face, seeing all of his emotions before he even knows what they are. He can't lie, even though he doesn't know what he even really feels. He won't lie to Jungkook.

"I, I mean," he tries, and his hands are shaking more than ever now. "Maybe I had a crush," he manages, swallowing and trying to shake his thoughts into order. "I did before I knew about how he felt about you, and then after I knew I..." He shakes his head.

"I always wanted him to be with you, after I knew," he says, and that's a truth he doesn't have to search for. "He loves you, he wanted you so much," he goes on, his voice breaking just a little, because he remembers how Yoongi talked about Jungkook then, how Yoongi ached for him. "I'm so happy for him. I'm so happy for both of you," he says, even though he knows Jungkook already knows that. "It's just, it was barely anything, and it'll go away soon enough," he finishes, and the smile he offers is genuine, even if it's not as bright as he wants it to be.

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-04 10:15 pm (UTC)(link)
Jungkook looks pained, and it's not the sort of unhappiness that Hoseok expected. He'd thought maybe Jungkook would be more worried about those kisses now that he knows there had been feelings from Hoseok's end, however controlled, that he'd be angry that Hoseok had acted on those feelings even though he knew Yoongi was in love with someone else. That maybe he'd be worried now that Hoseok might want to try to steal Yoongi from him, even as impossible as that would be, as much as Hoseok would rather rip his own heart out than cause Yoongi or Jungkook a moment of pain.

He looks sad, and Hoseok doesn't understand why. Hoseok's embarrassed and anxious, and when Jungkook speaks it makes his chest ache, his tone so apologetic.

"You, of course you wouldn't see," Hoseok says then, his voice shaking. "I've never told anyone."

And god, how fucked up is that? Confessing your crush on someone to their brand new boyfriend. He's been trying so hard to forget he even has that crush, to make it go away for the sake of all of them, but feelings don't exactly listen, even when you plead with them.

"But please don't worry," he adds belatedly, squeezing Jungkook's hands. "It won't cause problems, I won't cause you any problems." He's trying to sound cheerful and strong but his stupid face only ever shows exactly how he's feeling, and his eyes are wet and why is he on the verge of crying over this? The very last thing he wants is for Jungkook to feel bad for him, to have any guilty feelings at all over his love for Yoongi.

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-04 11:53 pm (UTC)(link)
Hoseok ducks his head, feeling a little scolded for insinuating that Jungkook would worry that Hoseok would intentionally hurt him. Not that he'd blame Jungkook for worrying, for wanting to protect what he has with Yoongi at all costs. Worse is the bitterness that rises in his chest when Jungkook mentions his step-brother, because while he understands that Jungkook's mother had to remarry, to make a smart choice for herself and her son, he knows that's all it was. Jungkook's step-father and step-brother aren't good people, they don't treat Jungkook or his mother the way the deserve to be treated.

All Hoseok has ever wanted, since he was a seven year old kid taken to a scary, strange place and told he'd never see his mom again, was the chance to try again, to be the kind of son a mother wouldn't leave behind. When he was little he'd truly believed it had been his fault she'd left him by the carousel, that he hadn't counted all the way to ten like she'd told him to. He knows now it wasn't that simple, but it's hard not to think that if he'd been a better child his mother wouldn't have been able to leave him, no matter what the reason.

Ten years later he barely remembers his mother. He still remembers her face, the sound of her voice, that she used to stroke his chest and his arms when he couldn't fall asleep, but the rest is just a blur of things that could be real or could be made up. He's only known Jungkook's mother for a couple of years, but she's gone out of her way to take care of him so much in that time, sending Jungkook with food, buying him winter coats and a comforter for his bed when he was released from the orphanage. There's literally no way she could have ever adopted him, but sometimes Hoseok likes to daydream about it anyway, what their lives would be like if he'd become Jungkook's brother for real, if they could have lived together, just the three of them. A lot of that is selfish, but he can say that he'd be the most devoted son in the world if he'd had the chance to be.

Jungkook says he's worried for him then and Hoseok raises his eyes, meets Jungkook's gaze. This isn't what he wants, for Jungkook to worry for him, especially not over this. He isn't supposed to be a factor here and he wouldn't be if he could help the way he feels, if he could get over those feelings faster.

And Jungkook says when you're feeling sad and when you're longing and the tears in his eyes well, and even though he refuses to blink one of them skips down his cheek anyway. He squeezes his eyes shut then, tips his head down so Jungkook won't see the rest of the tears break loose, using his free hand to wipe them from his cheeks and chin hastily.

He isn't crying about Yoongi, not exactly. He's crying because Jungkook is being so kind to him, because his heart wants something it was never going to have anyway and it won't let go, because he doesn't even want it because getting to have it means people he loves won't have what they want most.

"I'm sorry," he says, managing to stifle a whimper when he lifts his head again. "I, I don't want to hide it," he admits, his voice shaking. "But you, I feel guilty," he tries, shaking his head. "I don't want to feel this way anymore," he finishes, a fresh tear kicking free. "I just want to stop. I want to stop wanting people who won't ever want me back. I want to stop hurting people, I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to hurt you."

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-05 04:49 am (UTC)(link)
Hoseok's heard this before. He heard it from the girl he liked in junior high school, he heard it from Yoongi too, more than once. He heard something like it over and over when he was little, when other children were adopted, that someday the right people would come along for him.

And the thing is he believed it. For a long time he thought it was absolutely true. And it's not that he's become cynical or negative, he's just grown up since then. He has people in his life that love him, people who take care of him as much as they can, even as limited as their own resources are. He has more than he ever thought he would have, or that he deserved, but he knows there's a line there, too. They love him and they care about him and they'll do what they can for him, and he's so grateful.

He's not meant for anything more. These people are already risking ridicule from their families just being his friend. Jimin's mother actively hates him. Seokjin's parents would probably demand their son stay away if they knew about their friendship. Jungkook's mother loves him, but his father, unsurprisingly – he doesn't even love his own step-son, does not. Liking boys is bad enough; liking a boy with no family, no history, no future, that's unthinkable.

There might be someone, maybe, someday, who will be okay with that. Hoseok knows it's a possibility, especially because he likes girls too. He's just more careful now, about how much he hopes for it.

At the core of it, though, he knows Jungkook's only saying what he thinks will help ease Hoseok's pain. Yoongi only meant it the same way. Both of them mean the words in the kindest way, with the purest intentions. Neither of them know the barb inside Hoseok's heart, the way those words sting.

But then Jungkook says something different, something pointed, and though Hoseok's eyes are still swimming a little, his heart still pounding, it makes him blink.

"What... What do you mean by already someone out there?" he asks softly.

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-06 11:47 pm (UTC)(link)
Hoseok blinks as Jungkook explains, talks about a shapeless someone who watches him, who gets that same feeling of butterflies in their stomach around him that Hoseok still gets around Yoongi and Jin even though he tells himself every time to stop. He knows the feeling Jungkook's describing, knows it so well. It's become a feeling he hates, because of that last part, because he can't help the wishing part, even though he knows it's completely, utterly futile.

And Hoseok's sure that Jungkook is talking about a hypothetical someone, not an actual person. Because who would look at him that way? Who in the world could want someone who has (and will always have) nothing?

He thinks it's a platitude all the way up until Jungkook's last words. He feels his eyes go wide, his mouth drop open, and all he wants to do is ask the one question Jungkook apparently can't answer.

"Why..." he starts, then shakes his head softly. He runs through all the people that both he and Jungkook know and the list isn't very long, considering how many years apart they are at school. In his group of friends, he can't imagine any of them feeling the way about him Jungkook's describing. He remembers the way he used to be around Jin, the blushing, the flustered way Jin would make him feel. He thought it was obvious, but Jin had seemed entirely shocked when Hoseok had confessed to him.

It could be possible that one of them likes him and he doesn't know it, as unlikely as it seems.

He swallows. "Why haven't they told me?" he asks then, his heart racing, so many conflicting emotions running through him.

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-07 08:59 pm (UTC)(link)
Hoseok's not sure what answer he was expecting but the one Jungkook gives is easy enough to understand. He knows intimately, painfully what telling someone your feelings can do, what rejection feels like between people who are already closer than friends, the distance it puts between people.

And he knows it could be worse, that he's lucky Jin still treats him like a friend, like a cherished little brother. But there's a level of closeness that's gone now, a guardedness that comes from Jin trying to protect from further hurting his feelings, as unintentional as it all was and is.

He never planned to tell Jin because he'd expected this outcome. It was bad judgement on his part, so many poor choices, and as much as he wishes he could take it back, what's done is done. Which is why he will never, ever tell Yoongi. There's already a distance between them because of what happened before Yoongi and Jungkook got together, and losing Yoongi's friendship entirely would absolutely gut him.

He tries to imagine how he would handle it if someone confessed to him. The way Jungkook's talking he finds it hard to believe this person he's talking about is outside their group of friends. The only person Hoseok spends any time with aside from them is Eunsoo, but he doesn't think Jungkook has ever spoken to her outside of his visits to the studio. They're certainly not close enough for her to confess her feelings to him, or at least he doesn't think so.

The thing is, all of his friends are dating each other. So whoever it is, their feelings have probably changed by now. And, even if they haven't, the last thing Hoseok is ever going to do is endanger his friends' happiness, especially for selfish reasons. He desperately wants to know who this person is, but Jungkook said he can't tell him, and pressing for details wouldn't be fair to him.

"When..." he starts, then he has to stop and swallow, because his voice is shaking again. "When I confessed to Jin-hyung, Yoongi told me I was brave for doing it," he says. "I didn't feel brave, but I think that you were. Telling Yoongi, that was so brave, Kookie. And I'm so glad you did. Because he's so happy with you. So, so happy."

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-12 04:23 am (UTC)(link)
Jungkook looks a little nervous, like he's choosing his words even more carefully now, and it makes Hoseok's heart sink a little, knowing his own sorrow is affecting Jungkook too. Jungkook's empathy is one of the things Hoseok admires most about him, something Hoseok finds particularly impressive considering the things Jungkook's gone through in his young life. He knows personally how hard it can be to avoid being bitter when the universe continually hands a person bad cards. He struggles sometimes trying to be positive and selfless himself.

He frowns softly when Jungkook tells him he was brave, confessing to Jin, because it's something he still feels extremely guilty about. He'd never thought that Jin might panic because Hoseok was a boy, the thought had somehow never crossed his mind. He doesn't know if that was the whole reason, if some of his anxiety came from how sudden it was, from having to reject Hoseok, but it doesn't matter. Hoseok's confession had ultimately upset his hyung, and Hoseok's not sure he'll ever not feel terrible about that.

One thing he's infinitely glad for is that Jungkook loves Yoongi, that Yoongi loves him back. He wouldn't want anyone to have to go through what Hoseok did with Jin, opening themselves up and getting rejected. He knows it's a fact of life, but it sucks and he's relieved Jungkook didn't have to experience it, especially after all the other disappointments in Jungkook's life.

Jungkook's a sweet kid, kind and caring, and it warms Hoseok's heart that he's suggesting that Hoseok not give up hope. It's not as easy as just believing things will be better, of course, and Jungkook knows that too. It's stupidly hard for Hoseok to hope right now, hard for him to fight through the jealousy and loneliness and just be a friend, just be happy for his friends. But he's trying, and he can try to hold on to hope too, for Jungkook if not for himself.

"I'll try," he says with a smile that he knows is a little melancholy. "It's a lot easier to be sad right now than anything else," he adds with a soft laugh. "But that'll get better too, right? It has to."

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-14 10:53 pm (UTC)(link)
Once Jungkook moves away a little Hoseok realizes that he ought to be embarrassed, having an emotional outburst like this in front of his dongsaeng, especially not when he has feelings for said dongsaeng's boyfriend. He swears he used to be better about concealing his feelings, or at least that's what he thought. Though a lot of these sorts of emotions are new to him, liking someone in this context, wanting to be liked back. He's not sure what's changed recently, but he's not sure he likes it.

"I'm happy," he says then, filling his lungs, trying to push the ache out of his chest. "I'm a lot happier than I used to be at least," he amends. "Every day I'm out of the orphanage is a better day."

It's not that the orphanage had been a bad place exactly, it had just been a constant reminder of how unwanted he was, by his own mother, by anyone else who might have been his parents. And, deep down, he knows it isn't his fault, but it's hard to shake the thoughts that maybe if he hadn't been sick, if he hadn't been a burden, his mother wouldn't have left him to fend for himself in this world.

Being on his own is harder, of course. He consistently has barely enough money to get by, has to rely very heavily on his friends to help him get some of the things he needs, clothes, food, toiletries. He tries to not be ashamed of that, tries to make sure they know he appreciates their help, to not take advantage. But at the end of the day it's all worth not being in that place, pretending that he's a normal person, one that has hopes, whose dreams could come true. He won't be able to hold on to that fantasy for much longer, but he'll cling to it as long as he can.

"I'm sorry," he apologizes after a moment of silence. "For crying, for..." He swallows, guilt closing up his throat. "What I said about Yoongi hyung, about... Even though you asked, I shouldn't have... Just, please don't let it get in the way of anything between you two. Please."

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-19 01:54 am (UTC)(link)
Hoseok can't help the way a smile tugs at his mouth when Jungkook comments about his crush on Yoongi, about how he understands. It's different for Hoseok, obviously, because those feelings are unrequited, but Jungkook can see why Hoseok would feel that way about their hyung, why he'd find Yoongi desirable. They probably even see the same qualities, so much more than physical attraction, and it makes Hoseok feel better and worse all at once.

The one thing he's not is bitter that Jungkook and Yoongi are together. They feel the same way about each other, they love each other; if Hoseok's anything it's jealous, but he's never going to let his jealousy get in the way of anyone else's happiness. Not ever.

"It's not," Hoseok agrees, offering Jungkook a genuine smile, as wan and bittersweet as it is. "I'd never do that. Seeing him happy with you is more important. Seeing you two happy together." He licks his lips, takes a shaky breath. "Like you said before, I just want him to be happy. And he is. You make him happy. I'll get over the part where I wish I could be the one making him feel that way. I'm trying to get over it. And I... I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than see either of you hurt because of me."

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-19 06:20 am (UTC)(link)
Jungkook says it to make him feel better, to be kind, to ease Hoseok's aching heart a little, but he's right when he says it's not the same. It's not that he's not glad that he still makes Yoongi happy, because that's all he wants, to make Yoongi's life – to make all his friends' lives – better. And he's not bitter about this, not full of regret or resentment toward anyone. If anything he's just jealous, of the fact that Jungkook and Yoongi love someone who loves them back.

And he appreciates Jungkook's hopes for him, even though he can't share them. He went a long time before he could even fathom letting himself have feelings like the ones he has for Yoongi, before he met anyone he could be close enough to, that he trusted enough. And that's probably a big part of it, the reason he likes Yoongi this way, likes Jin this way. He loves them, he can rely on them, they watch out for him. Maybe it's a low bar, but everything in Hoseok's life is set that way. Any amount of care is better than what he had before, any level of affection.

"I've heard that a few times," Hoseok says, his tone not unkind. "I hope you're right about it," he adds with another sad smile. "Seeing you and Yoongi-hyung, Namjoon and Jin-hyung, Jimin and Tae..." He shakes his head softly. "It just makes me want it more," he admits, laughing softly. "I want someone to love me like that. I really, really want it."

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-20 05:38 am (UTC)(link)
Hoseok understands what Jungkook means, what he's trying to do with his numbers, the implied statistics. When he's feeling optimistic Hoseok agrees with Jungkook, that there has to be someone out there for him, out there for everyone. He hates the bitter afterthoughts, the voice in his head that says, but why can't you have the one you actually want?

It's not that easy, he knows that, knows that life's not fair, that, in this case, getting what he wants means someone he loves doesn't, and that's a trade he would never even think of making. He just wishes there was some way they could all be happy, that they could all have what (and who) they want, himself included.

It just isn't possible. And if any of them is going to be lonely and sad, Hoseok's glad it's him and not anyone else.

As if to prove how attention starved he's been feeling he shivers at the touch of Jungkook's fingers in his hair, against his cheek, and he wants to take Jungkook's hand, clutch it, beg for contact, but he forces himself to sit still, to breathe.

"I'm not sure I'd be good at blind dates," he says, convincing himself to smile. He doesn't say why, doesn't mention that most people wouldn't be happy to learn that their date was someone like him, no family, no future, doesn't voice his concerns at getting Jungkook's mother involved, the backlash that could occur. He takes a breath, tries to make his smile genuine. "I'll be fine. I won't be alone forever, right?"

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-25 06:02 am (UTC)(link)
Hoseok's being a burden right now, he knows he is. Jungkook is happy and Yoongi is happy, all of his friends are, and his sadness isn't helping any of them, isn't helping him either. He's been trying to be as supportive as he can, keeping all those selfish feelings to himself, but he's failing now, faltering, and he feels guilty for every frown on Jungkook's face, every indication of sympathy. Of course his friend is empathetic to his sorrow; Jungkook is such a sweet, giving person, one who takes his hyung's troubles as his own. But that doesn't mean Hoseok wants to lean on him like this, to make him feel bad for being happy when Hoseok isn't.

Hoseok shakes his head, offering a smile as he catches Jungkook's hand, giving it a squeeze. "Don't do that," he says gently. "Don't bet your life on anything, Jungkookie. Especially not on something for anyone but yourself."

It's not just that Hoseok feels like Jungkook's gamble, as symbolic as it is, isn't a very good one, it's more that he doesn't want Jungkook to feel even a little responsible for Hoseok's happiness or sadness. He should be focused on himself, on his relationship with Yoongi, on the joy that comes with loving someone and having them love you back.

"Don't worry about me, okay?" Hoseok says, giving Jungkook's hand another squeeze before letting it go. "I'll be okay, I promise."

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-25 09:50 pm (UTC)(link)
Hoseok understands that, believing in the others, being willing to give up his own happiness or comfort to make any of their lives better. He'd sooner seen them thriving and finding joy than holding onto it for himself.

But he also feels like he's not worth that sentiment turned back around. It wasn't his choice to be where he is in life, but maybe it was his fault. If he'd been a better son, if he'd been healthy and normal, maybe his mother wouldn't have given him up.

And now he's becoming that same kind of burden to his friends. He trusts them and he loves them and he needs them, probably more than they realize. He can't lose them, not now that he has hands to hold him up, to keep him safe. Which means he has to be careful how much he leans on them, how much he lets them see. He's so much uglier on the inside, ugly enough to make them all turn their backs on him.

He wants to say he isn't worth Jungkook's worry because it's true, but he doesn't want to shun Jungkook's kindness either. "You're my family too," he says, also true, more important. "All of you are, but you're as close to a real brother as I'll ever have, Jungkook. And I'm so thankful for you. I don't want to make you worry."

[personal profile] venomambition 2019-02-27 06:04 pm (UTC)(link)
Touch is one of those things Hoseok has always craved, of which he has always felt starved. One thing he remembers about his mother is that she used to touch him gently when he couldn't sleep, rubbing his chest and stroking his arms, his forehead, and the way Jungkook brushes his hair back reminds him of that a little, a similar sort of comfort. He exhales a sigh of mixed emotions, of fondness for Jungkook, of the aching longing he has carried and will always carry for his mother, of the bone deep loneliness he can never seem to escape, even when he's surrounded by his friends.

"You already look mature," Hoseok says, trying to breathe through the heaviness in his heart. "And you have enough to worry about already without adding this hyung to the list."

Hoseok offers a smile, pats Jungkook's knee affectionately. He feels better in some ways and worse in others, but being able to put some of his locked down feelings into the world has to be better than bottling it all up. Maybe when he's had some more time he'll feel lighter for it. What he does know for sure is that he's grateful for Jungkook's patience, his kindness, and his presence in Hoseok's life.

"Thank you again for bringing all this food," he says, sitting back a little. "And everything else. Thank you, Jungkookie."