jeon jΟ
ngΔΈooΔΈ (
lovestrippedbare) wrote2019-01-06 01:58 pm
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The phone slips gently from Jungkook's hand, coming to a rest on rumpled sheets as he picks himself up, sliding his legs out of bed. It's hard to remember exactly what he's done over the past couple of days, ever since he returned home from dance practice. Distantly, Jungkook remembers meals. Remembers a slight sheen of sweat over the back of his neck, palms clammy as he sat in front of his parents, in front of Yeongwook, exchanging pleasantries over a family dinner. What he doesn't remember are the more important details what his father's gaze looked like, whether or not there was any ire. Whether or not anyone noticed, aside from his hyung, how preoccupied Jungkook's been.
He's kept himself busy mostly with small chores around the house, keeping everything clean as a good start to the new year. When he runs out of things to do, Jungkook sleeps. It's the easiest way to pass the time, Jungkook eager to while the hours away until it's reasonable to leave the house again, to see anyone who demands more than his cursory attention.
That the phone rings with Yoongi's tone is both a blessing and a curse. There's no one Jungkook wants to see more, and yet Jungkook also fears what might happen if Yoongi might see him. If a glance will immediately reveal what's wrong. It's not that Jungkook wants to hide anything. He's just tired.
Doesn't want to think about it when there's nothing to be done.
It's been weeks since Jungkook's previous bruises healed, but he detours to the bathroom nonetheless, locking the door before lifting the hem of his shirt to examine his skin in the mirror. Mottled pink and purple stretching across his ribs and abdomen, still fresh and almost pretty, Jungkook thinks in spite of himself. The pattern is different than the one his father usually leaves; Jungkook isn't sure whether or not Yoongi will be able to tell the difference.
Maybe he'll be lucky, Jungkook tells himself, and things will stay out of sight. They're only going shopping, after all. There are a million reasons Jungkook can give for needing to stay at home for dinner, and he's pretty sure Yoongi would understand every one, never holding them against Jungkook. They both know that any obstacles aren't of their own making. Not for the next two years, at least.
He spends the entire walk to Yoongi's house forming excuses and explanations, winding little paths that barely stay within the range of truth, carefully avoiding any direct lie. An unfocused gaze trails lazily after the way his breath fogs in the air, Jungkook's steps keeping him to the side of the path and out of the way of other passersby. By the time he reaches Yoongi's house, Jungkook has decided that the simplest explanation is the best that his mom asked for him to stay home for dinner today, that he should be there because his dad and brother will both be, and he doesn't like being the only person absent from the roster.
The excuses fly out of his mind seconds later, as soon as Yoongi's door opens, Jungkook's shoulders just a little too tense, his brow a touch too tightly knit. Hands stuffed in his pockets, when he'd rather reach out with them, wrap his arms around Yoongi and hold on until everything else melts away.
"Hey," Jungkook says instead, his smile on the cusp of reaching his eyes.
He's kept himself busy mostly with small chores around the house, keeping everything clean as a good start to the new year. When he runs out of things to do, Jungkook sleeps. It's the easiest way to pass the time, Jungkook eager to while the hours away until it's reasonable to leave the house again, to see anyone who demands more than his cursory attention.
That the phone rings with Yoongi's tone is both a blessing and a curse. There's no one Jungkook wants to see more, and yet Jungkook also fears what might happen if Yoongi might see him. If a glance will immediately reveal what's wrong. It's not that Jungkook wants to hide anything. He's just tired.
Doesn't want to think about it when there's nothing to be done.
It's been weeks since Jungkook's previous bruises healed, but he detours to the bathroom nonetheless, locking the door before lifting the hem of his shirt to examine his skin in the mirror. Mottled pink and purple stretching across his ribs and abdomen, still fresh and almost pretty, Jungkook thinks in spite of himself. The pattern is different than the one his father usually leaves; Jungkook isn't sure whether or not Yoongi will be able to tell the difference.
Maybe he'll be lucky, Jungkook tells himself, and things will stay out of sight. They're only going shopping, after all. There are a million reasons Jungkook can give for needing to stay at home for dinner, and he's pretty sure Yoongi would understand every one, never holding them against Jungkook. They both know that any obstacles aren't of their own making. Not for the next two years, at least.
He spends the entire walk to Yoongi's house forming excuses and explanations, winding little paths that barely stay within the range of truth, carefully avoiding any direct lie. An unfocused gaze trails lazily after the way his breath fogs in the air, Jungkook's steps keeping him to the side of the path and out of the way of other passersby. By the time he reaches Yoongi's house, Jungkook has decided that the simplest explanation is the best that his mom asked for him to stay home for dinner today, that he should be there because his dad and brother will both be, and he doesn't like being the only person absent from the roster.
The excuses fly out of his mind seconds later, as soon as Yoongi's door opens, Jungkook's shoulders just a little too tense, his brow a touch too tightly knit. Hands stuffed in his pockets, when he'd rather reach out with them, wrap his arms around Yoongi and hold on until everything else melts away.
"Hey," Jungkook says instead, his smile on the cusp of reaching his eyes.
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"Okay," he says quietly. Usually all of this just makes him furious, but right now, he finds, he's tired, chest aching from the knowledge that there's nothing he can do. It hurts to feel so defeated, so helpless, but he tries to shrug it off. Jungkook is the one who has to deal with this, who takes the blows. The least Yoongi can do is be here for him without adding to his troubles.
"As long as you're fine."
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He doesn't hate the idea of going out later, doesn't think it'll be too much trouble to muster the energy to make dinner.
The thought of spending the night still makes him happy.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Jungkook confirms, raising his arms until they're looped around Yoongi's shoulders and pulling him close. He leans off to the side, burying his nose against Yoongi's shoulder and breathing in deep. "Can we just lie on the bed and cuddle for a bit before we head out?"
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"Yeah," he murmurs, nodding slightly. "Please." He presses a lingering kiss to Jungkook's hair, before he slowly pulls away, an arm still looped around his waist as he leads him toward the bed. "I don't think I'm ready to go out yet anyway." He needs at least a little more of this before he'll feel settled enough for that. Sometimes it's all he really wants anyway, even when he doesn't have awful things floating through his head. Just holding Jungkook, being held in turn, it soothes him. He can never get quite enough of it, just curling up together, sometimes talking, sometimes simply listening to each other breathe. It's exactly the kind of security he's craving now.
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He wonders, distantly, where he'd be if it weren't for his hyungs. Where he'd be if he didn't have his love for Yoongi to hold onto, if it hadn't been filling his life in the way that it did even in the months before they were officially together.
Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut, not liking what he imagines. He focuses instead on the arm around his waist, on the softness of the mattress as they sink down on it together. On the way Yoongi's hair falls to the side as they lay down, legs entwining naturally.
"Yoongi-ah... you're so beautiful, you know that?" Jungkook asks, voice barely above a whisper.
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Still, there's a solemnity to Jungkook's expression that makes Yoongi want to give all his focus in turn. Gently brushing his knuckles along Jungkook's cheek, he smiles, soft and fond. "Well, yeah," he says lightly, all feigned arrogance, however hushed. This moment feels quiet and small, but safe, and he clings to that. The show of confidence fades, but his smile doesn't. "I mean, I must be, to catch your eye, which is all I care about anyway."
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"I bet you've caught many eyes and hearts already," Jungkook teases with a slight tilt of his head, fingers having moved to brush Yoongi's hair out of the away, out of his eyes. "...you'd catch even more if people saw the way you look right now. The way you look at the person you love."
He presses his face against the pillow, obscuring part of his expression. "It makes my heart race."
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"Wouldn't matter if I did," he says. "I don't want to look at anyone else anyway." There have been a couple of occasions when he's caught someone's attention, he knows, but there's never been anything serious or long-lived to occupy himself with, never anything more than passing flirtations. He's always been too busy or, simply, not that interested. He imagines the same would be true if anyone showed interest in him now; he simply wouldn't be interested. Who could even begin to compare to Jungkook anyway?
"Besides," he adds, "then they'd look over and see you and understand."
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Loving Yoongi doesn't feel like a conscious choice so much as it does a simple truth.
"Yah, you keep talking like I'm some obvious catch or something," Jungkook wrinkles his nose, coughing out a laugh. "You're so biased. I'm just me. Jeon Jungkook. Desperately in love with one Min Yoongi."
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He brushes his thumb gently back and forth over Jungkook's chest, shifting until he's barely inches away from his face. Of course he's biased, he can admit that, but it's not like that's all. "Do you need me to tell you how obvious it is? Because you are a catch, Jeon Jungkook. Handsome and kind and passionate and talented. So fucking sweet. Romantic. Charismatic. Silly, but it's endearing. Thoughtful and good. You love so much. How could anyone not be lucky to be loved by you?"
He's not usually so verbose, but it seems important now. When the world seems to want Jungkook to think he's a problem, that he's somehow wrong, Yoongi needs him to know that isn't true. He's wonderful. Someone has to tell him that.
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He has no reason to fear losing this connection, not when the both of them are as committed and loving as they are.
There's still a gap between believing Yoongi's sincerity and actually agreeing with the content of his words. Jungkook has a hard time believing that he's necessarily a catch a little too young, a little too naive, not always the quickest to pick up on the little things. Still growing into his frame. Still finding his feet.
But maybe it's enough, that when Yoongi looks at him like this, Jungkook feels beautiful.
"Are you sure you're not looking into a mirror right now?" Jungkook says softly, catching Yoongi's hand with his own, and moving them until they rest on top of Jungkook's cheek, pressed against his smile. "But if there's anyone who deserves to be loved like this, it's you. You deserve everything I can give you and more, Yoongi-ah."
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"I don't want more," he says, thumb stroking gently along Jungkook's skin. "You're all I want. You're everything." It doesn't feel like an exaggeration to say as much when Jungkook occupies his thoughts day and night, when he moves through Yoongi's dreams, at the heart of all his hopes and plans for the future. It's simply the truth. "And I'm serious. You're all I'm looking at. All I see."
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Jungkook never thinks that Yoongi might be looking at anyone else. Never thinks that Yoongi's gaze or heart might stray. Yoongi devotes himself with an uncompromising focus, and Jungkook is simply the boy lucky enough to receive it all.
When he says that Yoongi deserves more, it's not that Jungkook thinks for a second that Yoongi would turn elsewhere for it only that Jungkook wants to push himself to be everything he can for Yoongi.
He shifts himself closer on the bed, lets out a sigh of contentment, tilts his head to press a gentle kiss to Yoongi's lips, achingly chaste.
"You're my whole world too, Yoongi-ah. You make me so happy."
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The soft press of lips against his coaxes a smile out of Yoongi and he leans forward to rest his forehead against Jungkook's. "Good," he whispers, shifting his hand down to rest against Jungkook's back, tracing soft lines up and down. Maybe he can't fix everything the way he wants to, but here and now, they're safe and happy. He can give Jungkook that. That's enough. "There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you."
He wonders if it should be frightening, to be so wholly consumed by someone else, to belong so completely to someone. Instead he finds it comforting. His life isn't only his own now. He has someone to share it with, keeping the loneliness at bay, making him happier than he's been in years. It feels like he has meaning now and purpose. If he can spend his life like this, he'll be unbelievably lucky.
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Here, with the two of them tangled up together like this, forehead to forehead, Jungkook feels so achingly safe. For a few seconds, he closes his eyes, focusing only on the way they share breath and the warmth that emanates from Yoongi's body.
"I know. But all I need is for you to be at my side. Everything else is we'll figure it out together," Jungkook murmurs, his chest feeling tight, his stomach flipping almost as much as it did the first time they kissed. He keeps falling for Yoongi. HE's not sure he'll ever stop falling. "I'm yours. I'm so... fucking yours that it should scare me, but it doesn't. You know?"
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He closes his eyes, too, quiet for a moment. "So fucking happy. And safe. It's not scary, it's just safe." That's why it doesn't frighten him, he thinks β because it's Jungkook. Because he knows he's so deeply loved, he has nothing to worry about. Jungkook won't ever hurt or leave him. It's like he's just said. As long as they're at each other's side, they can figure everything else out together. For the first time in a long time, there's solid ground under his feet again.
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How Jungkook wishes he could chase those nightmares off, so that Yoongi would always look like this.
Wordlessly, he shifts forward, stretching his chin up until he's able to press a kiss to Yoongi's forehead, lips lingering there for a couple extended moments.
His next presses against the point of Yoongi's nose.
Then against the bow of his lips.
"I wanna take pictures of you sometime," Jungkook murmurs softly. "I mean, I've already sneaked a couple, but... when the days are brighter, when spring's creeping up. I want to take pictures of you under the shining sun."
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Mostly, though, he likes the thought of the ones Jungkook keeps for himself, the way he keeps that little audio clips Jungkook made for him a while back. The way he sometimes falls asleep to a loop of Jungkook saying I love you. It makes the nights they're apart a little less lonely.
"Any time." He dips his head forward, nose brushing against nose. "You can take all the pictures you want." Fingertips tracing gently along his jaw, Yoongi tilts his head to kiss Jungkook, eyes falling shut again. Posing for a few pictures is easy. He's not sure he's much of a model, but he doesn't think that's the point anyway. Jungkook doesn't need to make art. He wants pictures of him as he really is.
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The everyday existence that will be fuzzy to him in a year or two.
Having permission to continue taking such pictures is a relief; Jungkook wonders if he'll be more forward with it now, grab candids whenever the mood strikes.
For now, he closes his eyes to the feel of fingers tracing down the line of his jaw, and purses his lips just enough to capture the press of Yoongi's. He sighs through his nose, heartbeat already quickening as he returns Yoongi's kiss.
"I love you," he breathes, fingertips skating down Yoongi's sternum, catching on the fabric of his shirt.
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"I love you," he echoes, smiling, leaning forward for another kiss, soft and sweet and nearly chaste. It's nice just to kiss him, just to be here. He felt so horrible not that long ago; it's a relief to feel at ease again, relaxed and warm and loved. More than that, it's a relief to know Jungkook feels that way. His fingers trace down along the curve of Jungkook's neck and back up again, mapping out his jaw, his cheek, carding through his hair, slow and steady.
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"I love you."
Just because he can.
"I love you, Min-ah."
Every day, it's harder to remember what life was like before this how his heart ached with anything more than the simple yearning for Yoongi's arms.
Jungkook sighs, ducking down to inhale against Yoongi's shirt, eyes lazily blinking open.
"I should have come here right away," he murmurs.
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And he doesn't make it much easier, he thinks. He gets angry or frightened, pushes Jungkook into a position to have to take care of him, and that's probably not fair of him. It's hard to react in as calm and measured a manner as he wishes he had when it hurts so goddamn much to know Jungkook is hurting. He's not sure he could ever be placid about that. He wouldn't want to be.
They're here together now and that's the important thing. Jungkook is safe and, Yoongi is pretty sure, happy in spite of everything. Little else matters. Still, Yoongi hesitates a moment before he speaks. "You can talk to me, you know," he says. "When stuff like this happens. I told you, I want to know. I want to be here for you. Let me."
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"I know that I can tell you these things," Jungkook says after a pause, his voice slightly rough; his throat feels tight. "I know that you want to be here for me, and I want I want you to be there, I always feel better once I'm here. I just. Sometimes right after it happens, I can't..."
He takes a deep breath, blinking a few times. "Sometimes right after it happens, I can't really make myself do anything. I can't make myself get up. All I can think about is how I should be stronger, but it's like I'm just hollow. I don't know how to explain it."
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"It's okay," he adds slowly, picking his words carefully, trying to imagine what would help him. "If you can't. It's okay. But you'd want me to call when I feel that way, right? Even if you can't make it go away."
It is, he thinks, one of the things that awes him most. He's been doing so well since they started dating, but he knows a day will come when the darkness threatens him again, that there have been nights when it's still been hard to push back. And when that happens, he knows Jungkook will be there beside him through all of it, no matter how much it hurts. It's a kind of strength Yoongi desperately hopes he has, too.
"But if you can't, it's okay."
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But should he be fighting like this? It's not always clear.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'd want you to call... I'd always want you to call," Jungkook agrees, his voice slightly wet as he lifts his arms and wraps them around Yoongi, pulling him close. "I always want to know if you're hurting. Even if there's nothing I can do other than be there, I want to know."
He squeezes his eyes shut, nodding almost imperceptibly against Yoongi's shirt. "I'll let you know. I'll let you know whenever something happens," he promises. "If I can't call, I'll text. I'll let you know."
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Lifting a hand to run through Jungkook's hair, he sighs. "I love you. I love you. So much." It's not easy to let someone else in, even someone he loves as much as Jungkook, and he knows it won't be easy for Jungkook either. The fact that he's willing to try is enough. "We'll get through everything together. Remember that."
He's so used to trying to push through his problems alone. Learning to be part of a team takes work. In the end, though, he knows, it'll be worth it. They'll lift each other up again.
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