jeon jΟ
ngΔΈooΔΈ (
lovestrippedbare) wrote2019-03-09 03:19 pm
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There are times, Jungkook thinks, when unexpected changes in plan work out for the best. Giving up on the idea of Busan during winter break wasn't the easiest choice at the time Jungkook had expected it to be the highlight of their winter, and giving into the pressure of Yeongwook's blackmailing hurt on multiple levels. But distance seemed safest. Planning, biding their time, having Jungkook carefully siphon a portion of his allowance over to Yoongi for safekeeping, every passing day made the trip feel more viable again, until the two of them suddenly realized that Yoongi's birthday would be an easy occasion to leave for, and that was that.
They've picked up memories along the way. The first night Jungkook had Yoongi stay over. The first dinner together with his mother, with her offering countless thanks for helping her youngest with his studies. A trip out to a nameless beach, all seven of them together, huddled and bracing against the last of the winter winds.
Getting to March isn't as difficult as Jungkook expected it to be, and now that they're here, the wait has made everything all the sweeter.
He takes countless pictures with his camera of their seats together on the train, of the little box meals they buy from the lady with the cart. Of the ramyeon they buy an hour later, when it's clear that the box meals are more packaging than substance.
Of Yoongi, staring out the window of the train car, a soft smile on his face.
At first, Jungkook struggled with the idea of spending much of Yoongi's birthday on the train, but the trip to Busan takes several hours at best, which would have required missing class on Friday. Seeing Yoongi's peaceful expression on the train helps to set a little of that regret to rest, as does the stifled laughter they share as they stumble down the hall to their room in the hotel.
"Hotel Elysee," Jungkook says with a flourish as he waits for Yoongi to swipe their room key. "Is that, like, French?"
They've picked up memories along the way. The first night Jungkook had Yoongi stay over. The first dinner together with his mother, with her offering countless thanks for helping her youngest with his studies. A trip out to a nameless beach, all seven of them together, huddled and bracing against the last of the winter winds.
Getting to March isn't as difficult as Jungkook expected it to be, and now that they're here, the wait has made everything all the sweeter.
He takes countless pictures with his camera of their seats together on the train, of the little box meals they buy from the lady with the cart. Of the ramyeon they buy an hour later, when it's clear that the box meals are more packaging than substance.
Of Yoongi, staring out the window of the train car, a soft smile on his face.
At first, Jungkook struggled with the idea of spending much of Yoongi's birthday on the train, but the trip to Busan takes several hours at best, which would have required missing class on Friday. Seeing Yoongi's peaceful expression on the train helps to set a little of that regret to rest, as does the stifled laughter they share as they stumble down the hall to their room in the hotel.
"Hotel Elysee," Jungkook says with a flourish as he waits for Yoongi to swipe their room key. "Is that, like, French?"
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And yet that's all the more reason this is special. They don't have to pretend. He can be entirely himself, no matter how awful that sometimes is; Jungkook loves him even when he's clouded over, the color leeched from his world. Loves him exactly as he is. It's the most powerful thing Yoongi's ever known.
"Nothing," he agrees quietly. "And you never have to be anyone else for me. Never." Different and better are two different things, though; he gets that. He wants that himself, wants to be the best possible version of himself for Jungkook. He won't always succeed, but he wants to try. "It's like... sanctuary. From everything and everyone else."
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But it's nice to have a place where none of that has to be. A place where he knows he's accepted in his entirety, loved for exactly who he is, good and bad alike. And being able to provide that kind of safe space for Yoongi means just as much to Jungkook as having that space for himself. He smiles, giving Yoongi's hand another squeeze as they make their way towards the hotel, feeling happiness surrounding his chest with warmth.
"There's gotta be something I do that gets on your nerves, though," Jungkook says, his tone lightening as he steps closer and nudges Yoongi's waist gently with an elbow. "I know I'm great and all, but no one's completely perfect."
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"Of course you aren't," he says. "I wouldn't want you to be. Perfect is boring and everyone looks bad next to it. But that means I get on your nerves, too. What is it?" On one hand, he doesn't like to think of himself as annoying, but it's not like there's anyone in the world who isn't. And besides, he'd rather know, especially if it's something he can work on, than wonder. His mind is likely to fill in the blank with every little thing about himself well before he guesses the actual thing that bothers Jungkook, when it's probably nothing big at all.
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So he stares at Yoongi for an extended moment, his brow furrowed in thought.
"When you sleep, sometimes you tuck your hands between your legs, which deprives me of being able to hold your hand when we nap together," Jungkook says first, tilting his head. "Also, you're definitely a blanket hog, and you're so cute when you're hogging the blanket that I don't even want to fight for my share, which means I'm chilly during the night." However true those are, both feel like cop-out answers, so Jungkook presses on, his voice quieting down for the next explanation. "Also, you're way too hard on yourself. I think you... almost always blame yourself, or see ways where you haven't done enough, when things around you go wrong. And even when someone tries to set the record straight, sometimes you stubbornly hold onto that self-blame."
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That, though, does. For a moment, Yoongi is left reeling, not because the words are in any way cruel, but because they feel so fundamentally true and false at the same time. If he blames himself so harshly, it's because it's deserved. Faced with it put like this, though, he can't say it isn't true that he does blame himself often. It's not like it's something he does on purpose either; if he could stop being so lacking, if he knew how, he would. There's something brutal in being seen like this β a kind of grace, too, in being recognized, in having someone who knows him so intimately. It's almost a relief even as it's surprisingly painful.
"Only when it's my fault," he protests, but it sounds weak to him, like it might just be more of what Jungkook is pointing out. He shrugs, voice quiet as he continues. "Isn't it better if I own when I fuck up than if I pretend it's okay?"
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Briefly, Jungkook breaks gazes, glancing instead at their feet as they continue to walk down the street. They keep time with one another without even thinking about it Yoongi taking longer strides than usual, Jungkook slowing himself down. He wishes it were easier to obtain that same balance in all aspects of their life.
That it were easier to buoy Yoongi up when he feels low.
"It's like you think that you're not enough. But you are. You're more than enough." Jungkook glances up. "You're everything, to me."
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But then there's Jungkook, who loves him anyway, who doesn't care about Yoongi's flaws, who accepts them. And he doesn't know how he found this or what he did to deserve it, but he's so thankful for it, his fingers tightening in Jungkook's shirt at his waist. As much as part of him wants to deny that any of this is true, he can't, not least when he has to reach up with his free hand to wipe away tears. He hates how easily he cries.
"You're everything to me, too," he says, voice rough and low as he lets himself steal a glance at Jungkook, abashed by his own reaction. "I just β I don't know. I don't... It doesn't feel like enough. Except when I'm with you or the others. I just... I'm not." His little circle of friends, his brothers, they never ask more of him than he can give. Even when he fears that he'll disappoint them, they never make him feel that way. That, he knows, is entirely on him.
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And maybe Jungkook understands that more than he'd like to admit, with all the years and countless hours he's spent wondering why his stepfather treats him with such disdain. Whether or not there will ever come a day when Jungkook can do something that his stepfather is proud of, something that makes his stepfather acknowledge Jungkook as family, if perhaps never quite his son.
"I don't think you're lacking," Jungkook says firmly, reaching a hand out to gently brush against Yoongi's cheek. "You're a good student, you work hard. You're handsome, you're reliable and don't back down on what you commit to. And... what's the most important, you've got a good heart. If it doesn't feel like enough for life sometimes, that's because life's shitty. Not because you are."
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He wants badly just to stop and let Jungkook hold him until the feeling passes, but the last thing he wants is to call attention to them or to himself right now. Instead he reaches blindly for Jungkook's hand. "I don't always feel like I have a good heart," he admits. He gets so jealous sometimes or so angry. He tries to tell himself what counts is that he doesn't lash out because of those feelings, but it's hard not to think he shouldn't have them in the first place. "But I try. Just... sometimes trying doesn't feel like enough. Fuck, sorry, this is exactly what you were talking about and I'm..." He shakes his head, jaw set.
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"Isn't a good heart all about trying? All about the person you're trying to be?" Jungkook points out, leaning in to press a kiss to Yoongi's cheek, then his forehead. "Yeah, sometimes you might still hurt people, but good people make mistakes. Good people hurt other people without meaning to. Accidents happen. But what matters is who you want to be, what matters is why you do the things you do." Jungkook pulls a hand up until he's able to spread his fingers across Yoongi's chest, over where Yoongi's heart must be beating.
"I wouldn't have fallen so hard for you if you didn't have a good heart," Jungkook murmurs. "No matter how handsome you are."
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He wants to believe it. Sometimes, he can. Some days, he knows how smart he is and how hard he works, how hard he tries, and he knows that he deserves better than he's been given. Other days, everything clouds over and he doesn't know how to see through the fog. It leaves him feeling hurt and vulnerable, and it would be so easy just to shut down right now and push it all aside. If it were anyone else, he would probably try. But it's not like Jungkook wouldn't just see through it, and Yoongi doesn't want to push him away, not for anything, not even his wounded pride.
His heart must be flying under Jungkook's touch, fluttering hummingbird quick, as his arms slip more tightly around Jungkook's waist, his head bowed. He could argue, explain all the ways he's not a good person, but the fact remains, he is trying. That has to be worth something. And when Jungkook sounds like this, plaintive and sweet and sure all at once, it's hard not to believe him, if only for a moment. "Not as good as yours," he says softly, but it's a compliment to Jungkook, not an insult to himself. He shakes his head. "I love you so much."
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Jungkook doesn't need their acceptance to keep going.
"Not as good as mine, but better," he replies, tone equally soft as Jungkook ducks his head just enough to keep his gaze locked with Yoongi's. It isn't hard to see that there's a bit of shame there in Yoongi's expression it's possible that he wants to hide, never one to enjoy putting his emotions out there in the open. But as much as Jungkook doesn't want to make Yoongi uneasy, he also doesn't want to simply let Yoongi be, to let him retreat into that shame without trying to cast a light over the shadows. Jungkook nudges himself close, comforted by the weight of Yoongi's arms around his waist. "I never watched anyone this carefully until you, you know. I learned how to love this much from being with you."
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"Yeah?" He closes his eyes, fingers curling gently in Jungkook's shirt. "You've taught me a lot, too, you know. Teaching me right now. I don't know how you're so patient with me, but thank you. Really, thank you." It's something he suspects that, ultimately, he'll have to do alone, but learning how to live with the voice that haunts him, the self-hatred and the doubt and the fear, it's a lot easier with someone at his side who's the antithesis of all that cruelty, whose favored role in life seems to be Min Yoongi's personal cheerleader.
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Maybe patience still plays a role, but Jungkook shakes his head at Yoongi's thanks. "I'm exactly where I want to be when I'm by your side," Jungkook insists, tilting his head until he's able to press another kiss to Yoongi's forehead, fingers gently brushing his hair out of the way. "If anything, I should thank you for letting me stay by your side. Even when it isn't easy."
He ducks his head with a small grin, fingers nudging at Yoongi's cheek. "But this weekend should be super easy, right? Our first vacation away together."
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He touches Yoongi so gently, it makes his stomach twist with a kind of longing. For a few moments, standing here like this, letting himself be comforted, he feels like the younger of them. It's supposed to be his job to take care of Jungkook, but Jungkook is so good at taking care of him in return. "Very easy," he agrees, trying to shake off the faint embarrassment lingering over his reaction. It's just so hard to think of feeling insufficient without feeling it, the familiar ache seeping into his bones and spreading over him like entangling vines. He refuses, though, to let that color their trip. "Our first of many. So many places for us to go."
Turning his head, he brushes a kiss against Jungkook's palm. "I'm okay."
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It's hard to describe how much he loves Yoongi, Jungkook thinks to himself. How desperately he wants to see life make space for Yoongi's success to pave a way towards the kind of happiness that Yoongi deserves.
"I would be so happy to travel all over the world with you," Jungkook murmurs, his lips curved in a lopsided grin. "To experience everything together. We'll make it happen, bit by bit."
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"We will," he says. "Everywhere. Anywhere you want to go, we'll go." Saying it, Yoongi realizes he's thinking of it all wrong. He follows Jungkook as eagerly as he ever followed Yoongi; wherever they wind up, it'll be hand in hand. "Vienna, Athens, Rome, New York, everywhere." His smile tugs at his mouth and he nudges his nose against Jungkook's. "I like watching you see things. Experience things." They should move and he knows it, but even knowing they aren't far from the hotel now isn't enough to keep him from leaning in to kiss Jungkook, hands curling in his shirt and holding him close.
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Perhaps it's a naive thought, but no one interrupts them. Jungkook's hand smooths over the side of Yoongi's neck, fingertips gentle and exploring as Jungkook pulls back minutely, keeping his forehead pressed against Yoongi's.
"We'll go anywhere you want to go, too," Jungkook insists. "You were just so cute with the stingrays in the aquarium that I'm now determined to find everything in the world that excites you. Like a scavenger hunt."
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He grins, a little sheepish at being called cute again. He's really never thought of himself that way, but it gets harder and harder to protest when Jungkook says it. "They're really cool," he says, a token effort. "And you wouldn't have to look far. I get pretty excited about you." He's only halfway teasing, almost smirking as he brushes a softer kiss against Jungkook's lips. It's still true. It's easier to get excited about things with Jungkook around, and Yoongi isn't sure if it's just because he's less self-conscious around his boyfriend or that Jungkook distracts him from the things in his head that might otherwise detract from experiences. Either way, he appreciates it. There's so much in the world for them to see and he's eager for it, all the adventures still ahead of them. "Wanna get you back to the hotel."
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Maybe once, Jungkook would have denied it for the sheer reason of not wanting to carry his hopes too high, back before they realized that they had been crushing on each other all along. But now Jungkook revels in the knowledge that there are certain types of happiness that he's uniquely equipped to bring to Yoongi.
"I wanna get back to the hotel, too," he murmurs, gaze dropping for a moment before Jungkook grazes his fingers delicately against Yoongi's side, not quite nudging his shirt out of the way, but teasing the possibility nonetheless. It hasn't been all that long since they gave each other blowjobs in the aquarium, but the hotel holds a different sort of promise the privacy needed to really take their time and revel in one another, in ways that exceed even what they've experienced alone in Yoongi's home. There, the possibility of Yoongi's father returning always lingered.
Here, it's just them.
"Come on, before we end up settling in this alley instead."
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"Is it being a charmer if it's true?" he asks, tugging gently at Jungkook's hand as he starts back to the sidewalk. It's not very much further to the hotel and he's suddenly eager to get there as quickly as he can manage. "I mean, it's not like I wouldn't want to travel no matter what, but... I don't know. It's better if I can share it with you."
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They could be in Seoul, in Busan, out in the countryside, or even desperately lost across the globe, and they'd be happy so long as they have each other.
"I feel the same way, though. I'm not actually picky about where we go. Even going to that all you can eat lamb skewer place is like, as good as a five star restaurant when it's the two of us. Smoke and all," Jungkook snickers, thinking about all the times the two of them had headed there even before they were dating. The charred smell which clung to their clothes always gave them away to the others.
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The all you can eat lamb skewer place is much more appropriate for their budget with the pocket money they get anyway, and Yoongi is very fond of it. They always give themselves away when they go, but they've spent a lot of time together there, eating and joking around. "And I like the lamb skewer place," he adds, "but it's true. It's better because it's us." He has fun when they all go, but it's best when it's just him and Jungkook. He flashes Jungkook a grin. "Then I can flirt with you without annoying anyone."
He doesn't think the others are genuinely bothered by it β they're just as bad with their own boyfriends β but they have a sort of duty as friends to give each other a hard time.
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Maybe they'll try a place out a couple years from now, once they're both more established in school and career. Just for the heck of it.
The both of them quickly arrive towards the front entrance of the hotel, Jungkook smirking as he tugs on Yoongi's hand and picks up the pace. Choosing a love hotel was probably the right call, Jungkook thinks, as he glances around at the few others in the building. Most avert their gazes, slightly embarrassed to be found at such an establishment, but Jungkook doesn't bother lowering his own. Having a private space at all is a luxury, and he's not about to treat it like something to be ashamed of.
"Wait, but what you just said... does this mean that you're holding back on flirting with me now?" Jungkook asks, adopting a slight pout. "I feel cheated."
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The question stops him, though, and he wrinkles his nose as they head inside, Yoongi aggressively ignoring everyone else around them. If it's obvious what they're here for, the same is true of anyone else staying here, and he won't pay them any attention. He's still getting used to the idea that people might have some idea of his sexuality after keeping it a secret for so long, but talking to Jungkook helps keep his attention off any possible panic that could cause under other circumstances.
"Well, a little," he admits. "Only with the others around. I don't like to make anyone uncomfortable and..." He shrugs, pressing the button for the elevator. "I don't know. It's easier when it's just us." It's not that he doesn't want their friends around β far from it β but he finds himself a little shyer about being so expressive when someone else might hear. The things he has to say to Jungkook aren't always serious, but there's something about it that makes Yoongi feel very guarded of his privacy. It means too much, even when he's teasing, to share too freely.
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