lovestrippedbare: (joyous.)
jeon jΟ…ngΔΈooΔΈ ([personal profile] lovestrippedbare) wrote2019-03-09 03:19 pm
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π•–π•Ÿπ•–π•£π•˜π•šπ•”π• 

There are times, Jungkook thinks, when unexpected changes in plan work out for the best. Giving up on the idea of Busan during winter break wasn't the easiest choice at the time — Jungkook had expected it to be the highlight of their winter, and giving into the pressure of Yeongwook's blackmailing hurt on multiple levels. But distance seemed safest. Planning, biding their time, having Jungkook carefully siphon a portion of his allowance over to Yoongi for safekeeping, every passing day made the trip feel more viable again, until the two of them suddenly realized that Yoongi's birthday would be an easy occasion to leave for, and that was that.

They've picked up memories along the way. The first night Jungkook had Yoongi stay over. The first dinner together with his mother, with her offering countless thanks for helping her youngest with his studies. A trip out to a nameless beach, all seven of them together, huddled and bracing against the last of the winter winds.

Getting to March isn't as difficult as Jungkook expected it to be, and now that they're here, the wait has made everything all the sweeter.

He takes countless pictures with his camera — of their seats together on the train, of the little box meals they buy from the lady with the cart. Of the ramyeon they buy an hour later, when it's clear that the box meals are more packaging than substance.

Of Yoongi, staring out the window of the train car, a soft smile on his face.

At first, Jungkook struggled with the idea of spending much of Yoongi's birthday on the train, but the trip to Busan takes several hours at best, which would have required missing class on Friday. Seeing Yoongi's peaceful expression on the train helps to set a little of that regret to rest, as does the stifled laughter they share as they stumble down the hall to their room in the hotel.

"Hotel Elysee," Jungkook says with a flourish as he waits for Yoongi to swipe their room key. "Is that, like, French?"
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg) pensive (a flower that can't be bloomed)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-10 08:34 am (UTC)(link)
It hits hard, thinking of Jungkook striving to be some perfect son, a watered down version of the boy Yoongi loves. And he gets it. In its own, awful way, that's love, too. It's the same thing as Yoongi working hard late into the night, studying so he can get good grades in the vain hope that his father will show him a shred of affection. He recognizes the pointlessness of it and still he keeps doing it because he can't help hoping. Jungkook keeps trying because he loves his mother. Yoongi can't fault him for that, but he regrets that it feels necessary to either of them.

And yet that's all the more reason this is special. They don't have to pretend. He can be entirely himself, no matter how awful that sometimes is; Jungkook loves him even when he's clouded over, the color leeched from his world. Loves him exactly as he is. It's the most powerful thing Yoongi's ever known.

"Nothing," he agrees quietly. "And you never have to be anyone else for me. Never." Different and better are two different things, though; he gets that. He wants that himself, wants to be the best possible version of himself for Jungkook. He won't always succeed, but he wants to try. "It's like... sanctuary. From everything and everyone else."
likedriedflowerpetals: (neutral) mrrp? (they make me run again)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-11 07:17 am (UTC)(link)
Yoongi arches an eyebrow, curious now. If he stops and really thinks about it, he can come up with something. No matter how much he loves people, there's always something irritating even about the ones he likes, and Jungkook isn't an exception. It's easy to romanticize so much about him, but he's still just a person. Still, rather than sending his thoughts in that direction, the question only makes Yoongi wonder.

"Of course you aren't," he says. "I wouldn't want you to be. Perfect is boring and everyone looks bad next to it. But that means I get on your nerves, too. What is it?" On one hand, he doesn't like to think of himself as annoying, but it's not like there's anyone in the world who isn't. And besides, he'd rather know, especially if it's something he can work on, than wonder. His mind is likely to fill in the blank with every little thing about himself well before he guesses the actual thing that bothers Jungkook, when it's probably nothing big at all.
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg) lost (set the fire to the third bar)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-12 06:17 am (UTC)(link)
At first, Yoongi thinks he's getting off easy β€” little things that, while annoying, aren't defining or deliberate. It's hard, because then he doesn't know how to fix those things, but they're not things that say anything specific about him.

That, though, does. For a moment, Yoongi is left reeling, not because the words are in any way cruel, but because they feel so fundamentally true and false at the same time. If he blames himself so harshly, it's because it's deserved. Faced with it put like this, though, he can't say it isn't true that he does blame himself often. It's not like it's something he does on purpose either; if he could stop being so lacking, if he knew how, he would. There's something brutal in being seen like this β€” a kind of grace, too, in being recognized, in having someone who knows him so intimately. It's almost a relief even as it's surprisingly painful.

"Only when it's my fault," he protests, but it sounds weak to him, like it might just be more of what Jungkook is pointing out. He shrugs, voice quiet as he continues. "Isn't it better if I own when I fuck up than if I pretend it's okay?"
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg) (take me away from the demons in my brain)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-12 07:54 pm (UTC)(link)
Before Yoongi knows what's happening, there are tears in his eyes and he has to look away, trying to blink them back. It's embarrassing, to be on the verge of crying out here in front of everyone, even if part of him is grateful at the same time for Jungkook's words. Grateful that there's at least one person who thinks he's enough. Because he doesn't. How is he supposed to when it's so clear how much he lacks? When he's not even enough for his own father to love? He failed his mother when she needed him most, and now he seems to fail his father every single day. How could he ever be enough?

But then there's Jungkook, who loves him anyway, who doesn't care about Yoongi's flaws, who accepts them. And he doesn't know how he found this or what he did to deserve it, but he's so thankful for it, his fingers tightening in Jungkook's shirt at his waist. As much as part of him wants to deny that any of this is true, he can't, not least when he has to reach up with his free hand to wipe away tears. He hates how easily he cries.

"You're everything to me, too," he says, voice rough and low as he lets himself steal a glance at Jungkook, abashed by his own reaction. "I just β€” I don't know. I don't... It doesn't feel like enough. Except when I'm with you or the others. I just... I'm not." His little circle of friends, his brothers, they never ask more of him than he can give. Even when he fears that he'll disappoint them, they never make him feel that way. That, he knows, is entirely on him.
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg, neutral) (he said I'm so lostβ€š not at all well)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-14 10:09 pm (UTC)(link)
Yoongi hesitates, trying to make himself believe that. He wants to so badly, but it's hard when he's faced with his own weakness even now, eyes shining with tears out on a public street. It's bad enough he cries so readily when they're alone, but he should be stronger than to do this here and now. Still, at least some of what Jungkook says he knows to be true, and it makes it a little easier to credit the rest as more than just bias. "I try," he says, gaze lowered in embarrassment. If there's one person who's not going to judge him, it's Jungkook, but it's much harder not to judge himself. He tries so hard and still it seems to amount to so little.

He wants badly just to stop and let Jungkook hold him until the feeling passes, but the last thing he wants is to call attention to them or to himself right now. Instead he reaches blindly for Jungkook's hand. "I don't always feel like I have a good heart," he admits. He gets so jealous sometimes or so angry. He tries to tell himself what counts is that he doesn't lash out because of those feelings, but it's hard not to think he shouldn't have them in the first place. "But I try. Just... sometimes trying doesn't feel like enough. Fuck, sorry, this is exactly what you were talking about and I'm..." He shakes his head, jaw set.
likedriedflowerpetals: [jungkook, fire] (neg, positive, neutral?) he's got so many feelings, who can tell anymore (all the ashes in my wake)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-16 09:32 am (UTC)(link)
Yoongi takes a deep, shaky breath, fingers twisting in the shirt at Jungkook's waist, his head reeling. It's impossible not to feel like a complete idiot, taking a wonderful day and ruining it like this, making a fuss over nothing. Jungkook brought it up because he asked him, because he wanted to know, and it's not like he wishes he hadn't. It's important to know these things. He just can't help feeling he's done exactly what Jungkook said he doesn't like.

He wants to believe it. Sometimes, he can. Some days, he knows how smart he is and how hard he works, how hard he tries, and he knows that he deserves better than he's been given. Other days, everything clouds over and he doesn't know how to see through the fog. It leaves him feeling hurt and vulnerable, and it would be so easy just to shut down right now and push it all aside. If it were anyone else, he would probably try. But it's not like Jungkook wouldn't just see through it, and Yoongi doesn't want to push him away, not for anything, not even his wounded pride.

His heart must be flying under Jungkook's touch, fluttering hummingbird quick, as his arms slip more tightly around Jungkook's waist, his head bowed. He could argue, explain all the ways he's not a good person, but the fact remains, he is trying. That has to be worth something. And when Jungkook sounds like this, plaintive and sweet and sure all at once, it's hard not to believe him, if only for a moment. "Not as good as yours," he says softly, but it's a compliment to Jungkook, not an insult to himself. He shakes his head. "I love you so much."
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg, neutral) same (in a dream that can't come true)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-18 09:25 am (UTC)(link)
They shouldn't kiss out here where someone might see them, but Yoongi doesn't care. He leans his head after Jungkook's when he finally draws back, chasing after the last hint of the kiss. The physical contact, the closeness, gives him a sense of comfort as potent as Jungkook's words. He trusts Jungkook and he believes him when he says these things, but touch seems infallible to him; the love in Jungkook's kiss, the tenderness in his embrace, it's solid and real and beyond question or doubt. He's so lucky, so loved. Somewhere, somehow, in some other life, he must have done something wonderful.

"Yeah?" He closes his eyes, fingers curling gently in Jungkook's shirt. "You've taught me a lot, too, you know. Teaching me right now. I don't know how you're so patient with me, but thank you. Really, thank you." It's something he suspects that, ultimately, he'll have to do alone, but learning how to live with the voice that haunts him, the self-hatred and the doubt and the fear, it's a lot easier with someone at his side who's the antithesis of all that cruelty, whose favored role in life seems to be Min Yoongi's personal cheerleader.
likedriedflowerpetals: [music, jungkook] (neutral, positive) (tempo di valse)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-19 08:20 am (UTC)(link)
Yoongi nearly protests. Of course he wants Jungkook by his side. He always does. He bites it back, though. However much he loves Jungkook, it isn't always easy. There are times when it's tempting for him just to curl up by himself and turn his back on everything, when he wishes he could shut out everyone else, times when that actually feels safer. But bit by bit, he's learning otherwise, finding safety in Jungkook instead, the same way he has with the others, with Jin, with Hoseok. Opening up to each of them has come very slowly, and he's still not always very good at it, but he's learning. And with Jungkook, he feels safer than anywhere else.

He touches Yoongi so gently, it makes his stomach twist with a kind of longing. For a few moments, standing here like this, letting himself be comforted, he feels like the younger of them. It's supposed to be his job to take care of Jungkook, but Jungkook is so good at taking care of him in return. "Very easy," he agrees, trying to shake off the faint embarrassment lingering over his reaction. It's just so hard to think of feeling insufficient without feeling it, the familiar ache seeping into his bones and spreading over him like entangling vines. He refuses, though, to let that color their trip. "Our first of many. So many places for us to go."

Turning his head, he brushes a kiss against Jungkook's palm. "I'm okay."
likedriedflowerpetals: [fire] (neg, neutral) (this is fine)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-21 08:13 am (UTC)(link)
There's still tension in Yoongi's body, pulling tight at his shoulders, and he has to focus to try and rid himself of it. He takes slow, steady breaths, gaze traveling slowly over the lines of Jungkook's face, the sweet tug of his smile, the warmth in his eyes. It's so fucking easy to feel small and unimportant and stupid, but when Jungkook holds him close, it's almost as easy to feel special and loved, even inspiring. Jungkook's always been good at that. Even when they first met, when he was just a wide-eyed kid trailing after Yoongi, it made him feel like he mattered to someone. Now he can imagine Jungkook following him around the world and he wants it so badly, he knows he'll do whatever it takes to make it happen. They deserve that, a lifetime of love and adventure.

"We will," he says. "Everywhere. Anywhere you want to go, we'll go." Saying it, Yoongi realizes he's thinking of it all wrong. He follows Jungkook as eagerly as he ever followed Yoongi; wherever they wind up, it'll be hand in hand. "Vienna, Athens, Rome, New York, everywhere." His smile tugs at his mouth and he nudges his nose against Jungkook's. "I like watching you see things. Experience things." They should move and he knows it, but even knowing they aren't far from the hotel now isn't enough to keep him from leaning in to kiss Jungkook, hands curling in his shirt and holding him close.
likedriedflowerpetals: (positive) :D (hymn for the hymnless)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-22 08:12 am (UTC)(link)
Maybe Yoongi should be more worried about the possible consequences of kissing in public, but he can't bring himself to care right now. No one's going to tell their parents, and what a stranger thinks only matters if it turns out to be the kind of stranger who might lash out at them. Besides, it's not like they're in the middle of the street. Hiding off to the side isn't all that dangerous, and kissing Jungkook is comforting. His breath is warm against Yoongi's skin, his fingers tracing gently, and all Yoongi wants is to keep holding him.

He grins, a little sheepish at being called cute again. He's really never thought of himself that way, but it gets harder and harder to protest when Jungkook says it. "They're really cool," he says, a token effort. "And you wouldn't have to look far. I get pretty excited about you." He's only halfway teasing, almost smirking as he brushes a softer kiss against Jungkook's lips. It's still true. It's easier to get excited about things with Jungkook around, and Yoongi isn't sure if it's just because he's less self-conscious around his boyfriend or that Jungkook distracts him from the things in his head that might otherwise detract from experiences. Either way, he appreciates it. There's so much in the world for them to see and he's eager for it, all the adventures still ahead of them. "Wanna get you back to the hotel."
likedriedflowerpetals: (positive) :D (got diamonds in my eyes for you)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-23 08:10 pm (UTC)(link)
Yoongi laughs, running his hand down Jungkook's arm until he can hold his hand. Stepping back is difficult when Jungkook is touching him, small gestures full of the possibility of more, but he knows better than to think they'll do anything in public like this β€” at least where people can see. He would have been content, all teasing aside, to go back and simply curl up in bed together, to cuddle and rest their feet after a long afternoon. The heat in Jungkook's expression, though, though lowered lashes and the tenderness of his touch have Yoongi starting to think of other things. On one hand, he knows they should probably enjoy Busan by experiencing the city itself. On the other, part of the appeal of getting away this weekend is the opportunity just to be together, without interruptions or anything hanging over them.

"Is it being a charmer if it's true?" he asks, tugging gently at Jungkook's hand as he starts back to the sidewalk. It's not very much further to the hotel and he's suddenly eager to get there as quickly as he can manage. "I mean, it's not like I wouldn't want to travel no matter what, but... I don't know. It's better if I can share it with you."
likedriedflowerpetals: (positive) but also a little like "are you serious?" (angels were never meant to fall)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-24 10:30 pm (UTC)(link)
Yoongi laughs, swinging their hands between them. "Ah, I think five star restaurants are probably overrated anyway," he says. "In dramas, the portions are always so tiny and everything is expensive." He's never actually been to one. He wouldn't mind going once for the experience, but it's not something he expects to do much if ever, and why would he?

The all you can eat lamb skewer place is much more appropriate for their budget with the pocket money they get anyway, and Yoongi is very fond of it. They always give themselves away when they go, but they've spent a lot of time together there, eating and joking around. "And I like the lamb skewer place," he adds, "but it's true. It's better because it's us." He has fun when they all go, but it's best when it's just him and Jungkook. He flashes Jungkook a grin. "Then I can flirt with you without annoying anyone."

He doesn't think the others are genuinely bothered by it β€” they're just as bad with their own boyfriends β€” but they have a sort of duty as friends to give each other a hard time.
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg, neutral) ugh get it off me (we're both stubbornβ€š I know)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-27 08:23 am (UTC)(link)
Yoongi smiles, ready to agree, albeit with somewhat feigned reluctance, that maybe they could try such a restaurant one day, just for the experience and the dressing up. He's really not sure he'll look all that amazing in a suit, but if Jungkook wants him to wear one, it's not really a hardship. He's not even sure the one he has really fits anymore, but it's not like they'll be able to afford a five-star restaurant soon.

The question stops him, though, and he wrinkles his nose as they head inside, Yoongi aggressively ignoring everyone else around them. If it's obvious what they're here for, the same is true of anyone else staying here, and he won't pay them any attention. He's still getting used to the idea that people might have some idea of his sexuality after keeping it a secret for so long, but talking to Jungkook helps keep his attention off any possible panic that could cause under other circumstances.

"Well, a little," he admits. "Only with the others around. I don't like to make anyone uncomfortable and..." He shrugs, pressing the button for the elevator. "I don't know. It's easier when it's just us." It's not that he doesn't want their friends around β€” far from it β€” but he finds himself a little shyer about being so expressive when someone else might hear. The things he has to say to Jungkook aren't always serious, but there's something about it that makes Yoongi feel very guarded of his privacy. It means too much, even when he's teasing, to share too freely.

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