lovestrippedbare | 𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕣𝕘𝕚𝕔𝕠

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yoongi

𝕖𝕟𝕖𝕣𝕘𝕚𝕔𝕠

There are times, Jungkook thinks, when unexpected changes in plan work out for the best. Giving up on the idea of Busan during winter break wasn't the easiest choice at the time — Jungkook had expected it to be the highlight of their winter, and giving into the pressure of Yeongwook's blackmailing hurt on multiple levels. But distance seemed safest. Planning, biding their time, having Jungkook carefully siphon a portion of his allowance over to Yoongi for safekeeping, every passing day made the trip feel more viable again, until the two of them suddenly realized that Yoongi's birthday would be an easy occasion to leave for, and that was that.

They've picked up memories along the way. The first night Jungkook had Yoongi stay over. The first dinner together with his mother, with her offering countless thanks for helping her youngest with his studies. A trip out to a nameless beach, all seven of them together, huddled and bracing against the last of the winter winds.

Getting to March isn't as difficult as Jungkook expected it to be, and now that they're here, the wait has made everything all the sweeter.

He takes countless pictures with his camera — of their seats together on the train, of the little box meals they buy from the lady with the cart. Of the ramyeon they buy an hour later, when it's clear that the box meals are more packaging than substance.

Of Yoongi, staring out the window of the train car, a soft smile on his face.

At first, Jungkook struggled with the idea of spending much of Yoongi's birthday on the train, but the trip to Busan takes several hours at best, which would have required missing class on Friday. Seeing Yoongi's peaceful expression on the train helps to set a little of that regret to rest, as does the stifled laughter they share as they stumble down the hall to their room in the hotel.

"Hotel Elysee," Jungkook says with a flourish as he waits for Yoongi to swipe their room key. "Is that, like, French?"

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"I knew it!" Jungkook laughs, though he tries to keep himself in check, not wanting to come across as too boisterous, nor wanting to make Yoongi feel ashamed of his needs and preferences. It had taken Jungkook a fair amount of time before he really learned how to read Yoongi well. In the beginning, any sign of reluctance was one that Jungkook read as him being irritating, or immature, or otherwise a person that others didn't want around; it was part of the reason why he had always been reticent about making friends, not wanting to push too much and only make enemies in the process. But over time, he started to realize that he wasn't the only one Yoongi often held at a distance. The other boys, even the ones Yoongi was ostensibly close to and had known for years, also sometimes created something of a berth around Yoongi.

It was as though Yoongi's bubble needed to be drawn a little larger than the others, and while Jungkook didn't immediately empathize, he at least felt like he better understood.

"I knew that you found me to be a little much," Jungkook emphasizes, licking his lips. "But, in all fairness... I probably was, back then. Whenever someone was nice, I just really wanted them to know that I was grateful, you know? And if someone didn't seem to like me... then I wanted to figure out what it was I was doing wrong, and. That wasn't the best combination."

That makes sense, Yoongi thinks, pieces slotting into place. Jungkook was never that difficult to read, but his mindset, especially then, is a different one from Yoongi's. As much as he cherishes the kindness of others, he has trouble responding and showing how thankful he is for it, afraid of being too much or making them rethink what they've done or offered. If people don't want him around, he might get annoyed, but he's not about to push in where he isn't wanted. It's such a different way of thinking. But then, maybe that's why people take to Jungkook more readily these days than they do to Yoongi.

"You're enthusiastic," he says, shrugging. "I like that. I'm just... not. But that's why I like it, I guess. The way you see the world." It makes Yoongi look at things differently, too, gives him a perspective broader than his own. Maybe, back then, that lent itself to being something of a nuisance, but Yoongi doesn't think it bothered him any more in Jungkook than the others did. They all got on his nerves sometimes. Fuck, he loves them, but they still do. He's too fucking sensitive sometimes, his nerves too raw for company. "And in all fairness, I find the others to be much sometimes, too."

"You just show your enthusiasm in different ways, that's all," Jungkook argues with a small grin. He thinks of all the passion that Yoongi has for music, which Jungkook would argue is greater than the passions that any of the rest of them hold — perhaps with the exception of Hoseok and his dancing. It's not a passion that Yoongi will talk at length about, unprompted, but it shows nonetheless in the amount of time he spends on improving his craft, the joy that lights up in his eyes when he gets the chance to stop by a music shop and peruse their scores. "You don't need to yell about it to the world, you don't really need to like... talk about it or make it obvious. You're happy enough enjoying your passions on your own, and that's really cool too. It's probably cooler than running at the mouth about it."

Jungkook's eyes light up with a bit of mischief when Yoongi mentions how the others can be too much; he already has suspicions about who Yoongi might be referring to and in what contexts, but it doesn't stop him from wanting to hear it directly.

"Who's the most tiring, you think? Of our group?" he asks, quirking a brow.

"I like listening to you talk," Yoongi says, a note of protest in his tone, and takes a moment to consider the question. It's probably obvious who he finds to be the most exhausting, no matter how much he loves all of his brothers, but it's still something else to say it aloud. At least he knows he can trust Jungkook not to share the information, no matter how close they are, but it's still a little awkward.

Still, he's not going to refuse a direct question or lie. "All of you," he says wryly. "But probably Tae." He just has so much energy and so little focus. His mind goes a million miles a minute and Yoongi can never quite follow, and it's tiring and sometimes infuriating. He's irreverent in a way Yoongi doesn't entirely mind, except when it's directed at the things and people Yoongi loves. And yet, however much Taehyung has tired him or pissed him off, he wouldn't trade him for anyone.

"You'd better enjoy listening to me talk, given the fact that we're dating," Jungkook points out with a quirk of his brow. "My mom always tells me that people get chattier as they age, so... if I'm hard to handle now, then you'll really be in it thirty years from now." Daydreaming decades down the line might be a little much considering how short of a time they've been dating for, but Jungkook doesn't see enough reason to refrain, sidling up a little closer to Yoongi as he lets his mind wander again to how Yoongi will look in thirty years, no doubt distinguished, probably with a few very specifically-placed wrinkles.

The mention of Taehyung only makes Jungkook laugh more, giving Yoongi's hand a squeeze. It doesn't surprise Jungkook that Yoongi points Taehyung out as the most exhausting of their crew. He's certainly the one most prone to flights of fancy and whim, which is basically the opposite of Yoongi, who likes to plan ahead and assess his options.

"Ah, Taehyungie hyung... you know, he's the one I wanted to be like most in the beginning," Jungkook remarks, raising his shoulders slightly in almost a shrug. "Probably half the reason why I was able to open up to you guys at all. But I can see why you find him tiring. I like his energy, though. He's really fun to goof around with."

Thirty years is a long time, and Yoongi finds that thinking of it just makes his heart warm. He wants badly to spend his years listening to Jungkook chatter on, to pass decades locked close together, their fingers curled and entwined as they are now. He looks over at Jungkook and smiles.

"Yeah, he is," he agrees. There are times he can be nearly as rambunctious himself, when he's in the mood to be. It's easier to be when Taehyung and the others are encouraging him. It just isn't something he can do or be all the time, and sometimes it seems like Taehyung is always on, his high energy only dampened by sullen moods.

Which, if Yoongi thinks about it closely, isn't too different from himself, just in extremely different ratios.

"And I like that," he says. "Sometimes. And sometimes I just... can't."

"I guess it's good that I didn't keep trying to become like Tae, then," Jungkook grins, rubbing at the back of his neck with his free hand. There are certainly parts of Taehyung's personality that he still admires and tries to emulate — the fact that Taehyung seems to care so little about what most others think of him, the fact that he doesn't second-guess for a moment when deciding who he wants to associate with no matter what the optics, it all feels to Jungkook like a level of bravery that he doesn't have.

Jungkook glances over, watching Yoongi's expression. There's no hint of resentment there — if anything, Yoongi only displays the slightest trace of weariness, as though thinking back on the last time that Taehyung sapped him of energy.

"I think it's natural to have times when you're less in the mood to hang with someone like Taehyungie hyung," Jungkook adds with a slight shrug of his shoulder. "He's got so much energy that it's kind of hard to match. And being an introvert means that sometimes you need time alone to recharge, right? It doesn't mean you love him any less."

Yoongi glances over and nods, quietly emphatic. He doesn't use those words as often with the others as he maybe should, not nearly as often as he does with Jungkook, but he does love Taehyung. No matter how exhausting he can be, somewhere along the way, he became a brother to Yoongi — a younger, sometimes insufferable brother, but a brother nonetheless. He wouldn't want anyone to think he doesn't love Taehyung, wouldn't want Taehyung ever to feel like he's a burden to Yoongi. His exuberance is usually a good thing. It helps a little to hear this from Jungkook, though; it makes Yoongi feel a little less like he's somehow failed in not being able to handle it at times.

"I mean, I can't even be around you all day every day without a little quiet," he says. "And I love you more than anyone. Taehyung is good. He's just a lot. Like an overly enthusiastic puppy."

"You can't even be around me all day?" Jungkook repeats with a slight pout, exaggerated to tug on Yoongi's heartstrings. (It might be the kind of thing that Taehyung would do.) Of course, Jungkook understands Yoongi's point — that if Jungkook were high-strung all day, even Yoongi would start tiring of it and want some space. And it would be unfair for Jungkook to hold Yoongi to the expectation that he'd be able to weather such exuberance in similar ways that Jungkook can. No matter how shy Jungkook was when he first met the group, he knows now that he's an extrovert at heart who gains energy from spending time with the others.

"Can't deny that Taehyung's like a puppy, though. That's probably why he gets along so well with them whenever we pass by a dog in the street or something. Their energy's on the same level," Jungkook remarks, grinning to himself as he remembers various times when Taehyung has cooed over a cute puppy, or knelt down to scratch behind a dog's ears. "He's a lot gentler sometimes than you'd think, though. Like he can really read them and knows which ones need to be approached more carefully."

Sometimes Yoongi thinks Taehyung can read him, too. There are days when he seems to temper his enthusiasm when he approaches Yoongi, times he's actually quieter, might even sit and listen to him play for a few minutes before he can't help interrupting. And sometimes his exuberance is charming, even helpful, pulling Yoongi into his orbit, emulating Taehyung's energy as they run wild. It isn't, he knows, Taehyung's fault that there are times when Yoongi simply can't follow suit. His whole body, his stubborn mind, seem to resist any kind of happiness.

"Not if you're up and I'm down," he says, casting a sidelong look at Jungkook. He lets go of his hand to slip his arm around Jungkook's waist. "But you know how to read me, too. When I need to be approached more carefully." His tone turns wry as he speaks, self-deprecating. He hates these moods, hates forcing the others into a position where they can't just be themselves around him without his nerves and tongue snapping. "So it's not really a problem."

"If you're down, I'd come down to pick you up," Jungkook says, the statement slightly more solemn than most. He's familiar with the darker days that Yoongi has, days when no amount of smiling and babble seems capable of pulling him out of his mood. But days like that are also days when Jungkook finds himself sobering quickly, tempering his energy until they're matched a little more closely — until he's able to slip with Yoongi between the covers and hold him until the storm passes. Jungkook knows that Yoongi probably laments such moments, at least in part — the last thing Yoongi ever wants to do is dampen Jungkook's days — but Jungkook finds that he'd much rather stay by Yoongi's side and do whatever he can to make the time better.

"And, ahh, I don't think you ever have to be approached more carefully," Jungkook adds, his tone perking up slightly again as he wrinkles his nose and faces forward once more. "You're not like an untrained dog. It's just times when you need more quiet, that's all. Everyone's got times like that, though. Even Taehyung isn't up and running all of the time."

It's been easier, these last few months. Having Jungkook at his side has buoyed Yoongi's moods, and he finds he's slightly less susceptible to the shadows that sometimes overcome him. It comes from being able to talk to someone, he thinks. He can tell Jungkook when things are starting to shift and fend it off before it gets bad. It doesn't hurt that he's happier now than he's been in years. But when the moods do come over him and he can't help the darkness in his head, it helps to have Jungkook there to hold him. The warmth of his body pressed against Yoongi's, the security of arms wrapped around him, it helps, when Yoongi was so sure nothing could. As much as he doesn't like feeling like he's dragging Jungkook down with him, he knows he recovers faster for sharing it.

"True," he allows. Even Taehyung has his stormier moments, though it seems to Yoongi like even those carry more energy in their own way than Yoongi's. It helps a little to think that's the case, though, that it isn't just him. He hesitates a moment, turning it all over in his head, and pulls Jungkook just a fraction closer. "But even then... when I need quiet, I... it helps. That you're there."

It can't be easy for Yoongi to admit to wanting or needing the help. He's always seemed reticent, within their group, to rely on others; sometimes even opening up and admitting to his moods seems like it's too much. So Jungkook feels his chest warm when Yoongi mentions that it's better when Jungkook's there, that it helps to have him around — if there's anything that makes Jungkook sure of their relationship, it's things like this, where he knows and can see that both of them are made happier for having the other around.

Glancing quickly to either side, Jungkook then leans in to press a quick peck to Yoongi's cheek, his expression warm, if a little more solemn.

"I'm glad," Jungkook admits, his cheeks warming a touch. "You know, even if I don't always need quiet in the same way, I... I really like it when it's just us and nothing else. When I get to listen to your breathing. Even if you don't say anything, it's nice. Being with you like that."

Yoongi glances over, a little surprised, and all he wants is to stop and curl up close against Jungkook, to wrap him tight in his arms. They protect each other, he thinks. They shield each other. And it helps to think, just for a moment, that this is the case, that he can be for Jungkook even a fraction of the relief that Jungkook is to him. It's a relief to look up and see that they're not much further from the hotel now, because he just wants to hold his boyfriend and kiss him and tell him how much he loves him, and it's fucking stupid that he can't yet, because his heart is too full not to. Jungkook is happy to be with him even in moments when Yoongi can barely stand himself.

"Good," he says, soft. "I like it, too. It feels... safe." It seems like such a small word when there's no good reason he should feel any other way, but it's true and it's important to him. He doesn't always feel safe alone, and he doesn't feel safe sharing these things with most people. But with Jungkook, he's secure. He's home.

"Yeah!" Jungkook exclaims, pleased that both of them seem to be thinking along the same lines. Safe is the perfect way to describe how he feels around Yoongi — no fear of judgment, no worries about whether or not the love will wax or wane. Yoongi loves Jungkook for who he is in his entirety, all the good parts and bad, and while Jungkook wants to strive to be a better person for Yoongi, he knows that he doesn't have to be. That Yoongi appreciates him for the entirety of who he is.

"It feels safe. When we're together... I can always be myself. I don't have to try and be someone else," Jungkook reasons with a small nod. "I mean, I want to be a better person for you, but that's different than when I'm thinking about how I should be around mom, or around the teachers. Because sometimes with them, I know I'm trying to be someone else. Someone I wouldn't even care to be if it weren't for what I know they want, you know?"

Jungkook glances forward, eyes fixed on the roof of a building that he thinks might be their hotel. "And then, when I have my arms around you, it's also safe just 'cause. 'Cause I have you right there, and nothing else can touch us."

It hits hard, thinking of Jungkook striving to be some perfect son, a watered down version of the boy Yoongi loves. And he gets it. In its own, awful way, that's love, too. It's the same thing as Yoongi working hard late into the night, studying so he can get good grades in the vain hope that his father will show him a shred of affection. He recognizes the pointlessness of it and still he keeps doing it because he can't help hoping. Jungkook keeps trying because he loves his mother. Yoongi can't fault him for that, but he regrets that it feels necessary to either of them.

And yet that's all the more reason this is special. They don't have to pretend. He can be entirely himself, no matter how awful that sometimes is; Jungkook loves him even when he's clouded over, the color leeched from his world. Loves him exactly as he is. It's the most powerful thing Yoongi's ever known.

"Nothing," he agrees quietly. "And you never have to be anyone else for me. Never." Different and better are two different things, though; he gets that. He wants that himself, wants to be the best possible version of himself for Jungkook. He won't always succeed, but he wants to try. "It's like... sanctuary. From everything and everyone else."

"Ah, I like thinking about it that way. A sanctuary," Jungkook murmurs softly, drifting away in thought. Jungkook doesn't expect that he'll always be able to act just as he likes, doing exactly what he wants — that's not how society works, after all. Most of life is about the give and take, refraining just enough to make sure that the collective gets along. Progress requires compromise.

But it's nice to have a place where none of that has to be. A place where he knows he's accepted in his entirety, loved for exactly who he is, good and bad alike. And being able to provide that kind of safe space for Yoongi means just as much to Jungkook as having that space for himself. He smiles, giving Yoongi's hand another squeeze as they make their way towards the hotel, feeling happiness surrounding his chest with warmth.

"There's gotta be something I do that gets on your nerves, though," Jungkook says, his tone lightening as he steps closer and nudges Yoongi's waist gently with an elbow. "I know I'm great and all, but no one's completely perfect."

Yoongi arches an eyebrow, curious now. If he stops and really thinks about it, he can come up with something. No matter how much he loves people, there's always something irritating even about the ones he likes, and Jungkook isn't an exception. It's easy to romanticize so much about him, but he's still just a person. Still, rather than sending his thoughts in that direction, the question only makes Yoongi wonder.

"Of course you aren't," he says. "I wouldn't want you to be. Perfect is boring and everyone looks bad next to it. But that means I get on your nerves, too. What is it?" On one hand, he doesn't like to think of himself as annoying, but it's not like there's anyone in the world who isn't. And besides, he'd rather know, especially if it's something he can work on, than wonder. His mind is likely to fill in the blank with every little thing about himself well before he guesses the actual thing that bothers Jungkook, when it's probably nothing big at all.

"Ah, that's not fair — I asked you first," Jungkook complains, though he sets his mind thinking about Yoongi's question, knowing that it's not something he'll be able to easily dodge. He doesn't really have much ground to do so, considering how he's pushing Yoongi for more clarity all the same. It'd be easy to pick something trivial, but that feels like a cop-out when what Jungkook really wants is that full answer from Yoongi — wants to know what he needs to do better in their relationship, or even more broadly as a friend.

So he stares at Yoongi for an extended moment, his brow furrowed in thought.

"When you sleep, sometimes you tuck your hands between your legs, which deprives me of being able to hold your hand when we nap together," Jungkook says first, tilting his head. "Also, you're definitely a blanket hog, and you're so cute when you're hogging the blanket that I don't even want to fight for my share, which means I'm chilly during the night." However true those are, both feel like cop-out answers, so Jungkook presses on, his voice quieting down for the next explanation. "Also, you're way too hard on yourself. I think you... almost always blame yourself, or see ways where you haven't done enough, when things around you go wrong. And even when someone tries to set the record straight, sometimes you stubbornly hold onto that self-blame."

At first, Yoongi thinks he's getting off easy — little things that, while annoying, aren't defining or deliberate. It's hard, because then he doesn't know how to fix those things, but they're not things that say anything specific about him.

That, though, does. For a moment, Yoongi is left reeling, not because the words are in any way cruel, but because they feel so fundamentally true and false at the same time. If he blames himself so harshly, it's because it's deserved. Faced with it put like this, though, he can't say it isn't true that he does blame himself often. It's not like it's something he does on purpose either; if he could stop being so lacking, if he knew how, he would. There's something brutal in being seen like this — a kind of grace, too, in being recognized, in having someone who knows him so intimately. It's almost a relief even as it's surprisingly painful.

"Only when it's my fault," he protests, but it sounds weak to him, like it might just be more of what Jungkook is pointing out. He shrugs, voice quiet as he continues. "Isn't it better if I own when I fuck up than if I pretend it's okay?"

Jungkook shakes his head minutely. "You never have a problem with admitting when you've done something wrong. You definitely own up to it when you fuck up," Jungkook says, giving Yoongi's hand a squeeze. He wonders now if he should have let this topic of conversation die out after all, wonders if it was a mistake to bring it up on a weekend meant for getting away entirely from all the stresses at home. But now that he's started down this path, it feels inevitable that he has to carry it through. "But you blame yourself for stuff more than you should. You blame yourself even when it isn't your fault, not really. It's like..."

Briefly, Jungkook breaks gazes, glancing instead at their feet as they continue to walk down the street. They keep time with one another without even thinking about it — Yoongi taking longer strides than usual, Jungkook slowing himself down. He wishes it were easier to obtain that same balance in all aspects of their life.

That it were easier to buoy Yoongi up when he feels low.

"It's like you think that you're not enough. But you are. You're more than enough." Jungkook glances up. "You're everything, to me."

Before Yoongi knows what's happening, there are tears in his eyes and he has to look away, trying to blink them back. It's embarrassing, to be on the verge of crying out here in front of everyone, even if part of him is grateful at the same time for Jungkook's words. Grateful that there's at least one person who thinks he's enough. Because he doesn't. How is he supposed to when it's so clear how much he lacks? When he's not even enough for his own father to love? He failed his mother when she needed him most, and now he seems to fail his father every single day. How could he ever be enough?

But then there's Jungkook, who loves him anyway, who doesn't care about Yoongi's flaws, who accepts them. And he doesn't know how he found this or what he did to deserve it, but he's so thankful for it, his fingers tightening in Jungkook's shirt at his waist. As much as part of him wants to deny that any of this is true, he can't, not least when he has to reach up with his free hand to wipe away tears. He hates how easily he cries.

"You're everything to me, too," he says, voice rough and low as he lets himself steal a glance at Jungkook, abashed by his own reaction. "I just — I don't know. I don't... It doesn't feel like enough. Except when I'm with you or the others. I just... I'm not." His little circle of friends, his brothers, they never ask more of him than he can give. Even when he fears that he'll disappoint them, they never make him feel that way. That, he knows, is entirely on him.

Though the question comes quickly to mind, Jungkook knows that Yoongi's struggles aren't the kind to be answered with a simple 'Why?' It can't be easy for Yoongi to articulate why it is that he feels like he's coming short. Maybe there are some more obvious answers that Jungkook can assume — that the distance that Yoongi's father puts between them makes Yoongi feel like he's not enough to keep his father around, that Yoongi wasn't able to do more for his mother when the fire ravaged their house. No matter how much logic someone can approach Yoongi with for either of those situations, it won't be enough to combat the feeling that's lodged deep in Yoongi's chest.

And maybe Jungkook understands that more than he'd like to admit, with all the years and countless hours he's spent wondering why his stepfather treats him with such disdain. Whether or not there will ever come a day when Jungkook can do something that his stepfather is proud of, something that makes his stepfather acknowledge Jungkook as family, if perhaps never quite his son.

"I don't think you're lacking," Jungkook says firmly, reaching a hand out to gently brush against Yoongi's cheek. "You're a good student, you work hard. You're handsome, you're reliable and don't back down on what you commit to. And... what's the most important, you've got a good heart. If it doesn't feel like enough for life sometimes, that's because life's shitty. Not because you are."

Yoongi hesitates, trying to make himself believe that. He wants to so badly, but it's hard when he's faced with his own weakness even now, eyes shining with tears out on a public street. It's bad enough he cries so readily when they're alone, but he should be stronger than to do this here and now. Still, at least some of what Jungkook says he knows to be true, and it makes it a little easier to credit the rest as more than just bias. "I try," he says, gaze lowered in embarrassment. If there's one person who's not going to judge him, it's Jungkook, but it's much harder not to judge himself. He tries so hard and still it seems to amount to so little.

He wants badly just to stop and let Jungkook hold him until the feeling passes, but the last thing he wants is to call attention to them or to himself right now. Instead he reaches blindly for Jungkook's hand. "I don't always feel like I have a good heart," he admits. He gets so jealous sometimes or so angry. He tries to tell himself what counts is that he doesn't lash out because of those feelings, but it's hard not to think he shouldn't have them in the first place. "But I try. Just... sometimes trying doesn't feel like enough. Fuck, sorry, this is exactly what you were talking about and I'm..." He shakes his head, jaw set.

Jungkook quickly scopes out the area around them, finding a small alley between two buildings and tugging urgently on Yoongi's sleeve to pull him there, away from any prying eyes. It's far enough into the middle of the day that most folks seem to be focused on finding a place to eat lunch and less interested in passersby, which is enough for Jungkook to wrap his hand around the back of Yoongi's neck and draw him closer, until they're pressed forehead to forehead and sharing breath. He lingers there only for a second before pulling Yoongi in closer still, Jungkook's arm draped over Yoongi's shoulders, fully folding him into Jungkook's embrace.

"Isn't a good heart all about trying? All about the person you're trying to be?" Jungkook points out, leaning in to press a kiss to Yoongi's cheek, then his forehead. "Yeah, sometimes you might still hurt people, but good people make mistakes. Good people hurt other people without meaning to. Accidents happen. But what matters is who you want to be, what matters is why you do the things you do." Jungkook pulls a hand up until he's able to spread his fingers across Yoongi's chest, over where Yoongi's heart must be beating.

"I wouldn't have fallen so hard for you if you didn't have a good heart," Jungkook murmurs. "No matter how handsome you are."

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