lovestrippedbare: (joyous.)
jeon jΟ…ngΔΈooΔΈ ([personal profile] lovestrippedbare) wrote2019-03-09 03:19 pm
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π•–π•Ÿπ•–π•£π•˜π•šπ•”π• 

There are times, Jungkook thinks, when unexpected changes in plan work out for the best. Giving up on the idea of Busan during winter break wasn't the easiest choice at the time — Jungkook had expected it to be the highlight of their winter, and giving into the pressure of Yeongwook's blackmailing hurt on multiple levels. But distance seemed safest. Planning, biding their time, having Jungkook carefully siphon a portion of his allowance over to Yoongi for safekeeping, every passing day made the trip feel more viable again, until the two of them suddenly realized that Yoongi's birthday would be an easy occasion to leave for, and that was that.

They've picked up memories along the way. The first night Jungkook had Yoongi stay over. The first dinner together with his mother, with her offering countless thanks for helping her youngest with his studies. A trip out to a nameless beach, all seven of them together, huddled and bracing against the last of the winter winds.

Getting to March isn't as difficult as Jungkook expected it to be, and now that they're here, the wait has made everything all the sweeter.

He takes countless pictures with his camera — of their seats together on the train, of the little box meals they buy from the lady with the cart. Of the ramyeon they buy an hour later, when it's clear that the box meals are more packaging than substance.

Of Yoongi, staring out the window of the train car, a soft smile on his face.

At first, Jungkook struggled with the idea of spending much of Yoongi's birthday on the train, but the trip to Busan takes several hours at best, which would have required missing class on Friday. Seeing Yoongi's peaceful expression on the train helps to set a little of that regret to rest, as does the stifled laughter they share as they stumble down the hall to their room in the hotel.

"Hotel Elysee," Jungkook says with a flourish as he waits for Yoongi to swipe their room key. "Is that, like, French?"
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg, neutral) same (in a dream that can't come true)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-07-31 09:54 pm (UTC)(link)
That makes sense, Yoongi thinks, pieces slotting into place. Jungkook was never that difficult to read, but his mindset, especially then, is a different one from Yoongi's. As much as he cherishes the kindness of others, he has trouble responding and showing how thankful he is for it, afraid of being too much or making them rethink what they've done or offered. If people don't want him around, he might get annoyed, but he's not about to push in where he isn't wanted. It's such a different way of thinking. But then, maybe that's why people take to Jungkook more readily these days than they do to Yoongi.

"You're enthusiastic," he says, shrugging. "I like that. I'm just... not. But that's why I like it, I guess. The way you see the world." It makes Yoongi look at things differently, too, gives him a perspective broader than his own. Maybe, back then, that lent itself to being something of a nuisance, but Yoongi doesn't think it bothered him any more in Jungkook than the others did. They all got on his nerves sometimes. Fuck, he loves them, but they still do. He's too fucking sensitive sometimes, his nerves too raw for company. "And in all fairness, I find the others to be much sometimes, too."
likedriedflowerpetals: (neutral) mrrp? (they make me run again)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-01 09:40 pm (UTC)(link)
"I like listening to you talk," Yoongi says, a note of protest in his tone, and takes a moment to consider the question. It's probably obvious who he finds to be the most exhausting, no matter how much he loves all of his brothers, but it's still something else to say it aloud. At least he knows he can trust Jungkook not to share the information, no matter how close they are, but it's still a little awkward.

Still, he's not going to refuse a direct question or lie. "All of you," he says wryly. "But probably Tae." He just has so much energy and so little focus. His mind goes a million miles a minute and Yoongi can never quite follow, and it's tiring and sometimes infuriating. He's irreverent in a way Yoongi doesn't entirely mind, except when it's directed at the things and people Yoongi loves. And yet, however much Taehyung has tired him or pissed him off, he wouldn't trade him for anyone.
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg, neutral) ugh get it off me (we're both stubbornβ€š I know)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-03 10:44 am (UTC)(link)
Thirty years is a long time, and Yoongi finds that thinking of it just makes his heart warm. He wants badly to spend his years listening to Jungkook chatter on, to pass decades locked close together, their fingers curled and entwined as they are now. He looks over at Jungkook and smiles.

"Yeah, he is," he agrees. There are times he can be nearly as rambunctious himself, when he's in the mood to be. It's easier to be when Taehyung and the others are encouraging him. It just isn't something he can do or be all the time, and sometimes it seems like Taehyung is always on, his high energy only dampened by sullen moods.

Which, if Yoongi thinks about it closely, isn't too different from himself, just in extremely different ratios.

"And I like that," he says. "Sometimes. And sometimes I just... can't."
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg, neutral) same (in a dream that can't come true)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-04 04:54 am (UTC)(link)
Yoongi glances over and nods, quietly emphatic. He doesn't use those words as often with the others as he maybe should, not nearly as often as he does with Jungkook, but he does love Taehyung. No matter how exhausting he can be, somewhere along the way, he became a brother to Yoongi β€” a younger, sometimes insufferable brother, but a brother nonetheless. He wouldn't want anyone to think he doesn't love Taehyung, wouldn't want Taehyung ever to feel like he's a burden to Yoongi. His exuberance is usually a good thing. It helps a little to hear this from Jungkook, though; it makes Yoongi feel a little less like he's somehow failed in not being able to handle it at times.

"I mean, I can't even be around you all day every day without a little quiet," he says. "And I love you more than anyone. Taehyung is good. He's just a lot. Like an overly enthusiastic puppy."
likedriedflowerpetals: [jungkook, music] (positive, neutral) (into your heart from under your skin)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-05 07:36 pm (UTC)(link)
Sometimes Yoongi thinks Taehyung can read him, too. There are days when he seems to temper his enthusiasm when he approaches Yoongi, times he's actually quieter, might even sit and listen to him play for a few minutes before he can't help interrupting. And sometimes his exuberance is charming, even helpful, pulling Yoongi into his orbit, emulating Taehyung's energy as they run wild. It isn't, he knows, Taehyung's fault that there are times when Yoongi simply can't follow suit. His whole body, his stubborn mind, seem to resist any kind of happiness.

"Not if you're up and I'm down," he says, casting a sidelong look at Jungkook. He lets go of his hand to slip his arm around Jungkook's waist. "But you know how to read me, too. When I need to be approached more carefully." His tone turns wry as he speaks, self-deprecating. He hates these moods, hates forcing the others into a position where they can't just be themselves around him without his nerves and tongue snapping. "So it's not really a problem."
likedriedflowerpetals: [music] (neg) music but make it SAD (the truth untold)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-06 09:29 pm (UTC)(link)
It's been easier, these last few months. Having Jungkook at his side has buoyed Yoongi's moods, and he finds he's slightly less susceptible to the shadows that sometimes overcome him. It comes from being able to talk to someone, he thinks. He can tell Jungkook when things are starting to shift and fend it off before it gets bad. It doesn't hurt that he's happier now than he's been in years. But when the moods do come over him and he can't help the darkness in his head, it helps to have Jungkook there to hold him. The warmth of his body pressed against Yoongi's, the security of arms wrapped around him, it helps, when Yoongi was so sure nothing could. As much as he doesn't like feeling like he's dragging Jungkook down with him, he knows he recovers faster for sharing it.

"True," he allows. Even Taehyung has his stormier moments, though it seems to Yoongi like even those carry more energy in their own way than Yoongi's. It helps a little to think that's the case, though, that it isn't just him. He hesitates a moment, turning it all over in his head, and pulls Jungkook just a fraction closer. "But even then... when I need quiet, I... it helps. That you're there."
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg) (in a sea of self-infliction)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-09 10:17 am (UTC)(link)
Yoongi glances over, a little surprised, and all he wants is to stop and curl up close against Jungkook, to wrap him tight in his arms. They protect each other, he thinks. They shield each other. And it helps to think, just for a moment, that this is the case, that he can be for Jungkook even a fraction of the relief that Jungkook is to him. It's a relief to look up and see that they're not much further from the hotel now, because he just wants to hold his boyfriend and kiss him and tell him how much he loves him, and it's fucking stupid that he can't yet, because his heart is too full not to. Jungkook is happy to be with him even in moments when Yoongi can barely stand himself.

"Good," he says, soft. "I like it, too. It feels... safe." It seems like such a small word when there's no good reason he should feel any other way, but it's true and it's important to him. He doesn't always feel safe alone, and he doesn't feel safe sharing these things with most people. But with Jungkook, he's secure. He's home.
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg) pensive (a flower that can't be bloomed)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-10 08:34 am (UTC)(link)
It hits hard, thinking of Jungkook striving to be some perfect son, a watered down version of the boy Yoongi loves. And he gets it. In its own, awful way, that's love, too. It's the same thing as Yoongi working hard late into the night, studying so he can get good grades in the vain hope that his father will show him a shred of affection. He recognizes the pointlessness of it and still he keeps doing it because he can't help hoping. Jungkook keeps trying because he loves his mother. Yoongi can't fault him for that, but he regrets that it feels necessary to either of them.

And yet that's all the more reason this is special. They don't have to pretend. He can be entirely himself, no matter how awful that sometimes is; Jungkook loves him even when he's clouded over, the color leeched from his world. Loves him exactly as he is. It's the most powerful thing Yoongi's ever known.

"Nothing," he agrees quietly. "And you never have to be anyone else for me. Never." Different and better are two different things, though; he gets that. He wants that himself, wants to be the best possible version of himself for Jungkook. He won't always succeed, but he wants to try. "It's like... sanctuary. From everything and everyone else."
likedriedflowerpetals: (neutral) mrrp? (they make me run again)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-11 07:17 am (UTC)(link)
Yoongi arches an eyebrow, curious now. If he stops and really thinks about it, he can come up with something. No matter how much he loves people, there's always something irritating even about the ones he likes, and Jungkook isn't an exception. It's easy to romanticize so much about him, but he's still just a person. Still, rather than sending his thoughts in that direction, the question only makes Yoongi wonder.

"Of course you aren't," he says. "I wouldn't want you to be. Perfect is boring and everyone looks bad next to it. But that means I get on your nerves, too. What is it?" On one hand, he doesn't like to think of himself as annoying, but it's not like there's anyone in the world who isn't. And besides, he'd rather know, especially if it's something he can work on, than wonder. His mind is likely to fill in the blank with every little thing about himself well before he guesses the actual thing that bothers Jungkook, when it's probably nothing big at all.
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg) lost (set the fire to the third bar)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-12 06:17 am (UTC)(link)
At first, Yoongi thinks he's getting off easy β€” little things that, while annoying, aren't defining or deliberate. It's hard, because then he doesn't know how to fix those things, but they're not things that say anything specific about him.

That, though, does. For a moment, Yoongi is left reeling, not because the words are in any way cruel, but because they feel so fundamentally true and false at the same time. If he blames himself so harshly, it's because it's deserved. Faced with it put like this, though, he can't say it isn't true that he does blame himself often. It's not like it's something he does on purpose either; if he could stop being so lacking, if he knew how, he would. There's something brutal in being seen like this β€” a kind of grace, too, in being recognized, in having someone who knows him so intimately. It's almost a relief even as it's surprisingly painful.

"Only when it's my fault," he protests, but it sounds weak to him, like it might just be more of what Jungkook is pointing out. He shrugs, voice quiet as he continues. "Isn't it better if I own when I fuck up than if I pretend it's okay?"
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg) (take me away from the demons in my brain)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-12 07:54 pm (UTC)(link)
Before Yoongi knows what's happening, there are tears in his eyes and he has to look away, trying to blink them back. It's embarrassing, to be on the verge of crying out here in front of everyone, even if part of him is grateful at the same time for Jungkook's words. Grateful that there's at least one person who thinks he's enough. Because he doesn't. How is he supposed to when it's so clear how much he lacks? When he's not even enough for his own father to love? He failed his mother when she needed him most, and now he seems to fail his father every single day. How could he ever be enough?

But then there's Jungkook, who loves him anyway, who doesn't care about Yoongi's flaws, who accepts them. And he doesn't know how he found this or what he did to deserve it, but he's so thankful for it, his fingers tightening in Jungkook's shirt at his waist. As much as part of him wants to deny that any of this is true, he can't, not least when he has to reach up with his free hand to wipe away tears. He hates how easily he cries.

"You're everything to me, too," he says, voice rough and low as he lets himself steal a glance at Jungkook, abashed by his own reaction. "I just β€” I don't know. I don't... It doesn't feel like enough. Except when I'm with you or the others. I just... I'm not." His little circle of friends, his brothers, they never ask more of him than he can give. Even when he fears that he'll disappoint them, they never make him feel that way. That, he knows, is entirely on him.
likedriedflowerpetals: (neg, neutral) (he said I'm so lostβ€š not at all well)

[personal profile] likedriedflowerpetals 2019-08-14 10:09 pm (UTC)(link)
Yoongi hesitates, trying to make himself believe that. He wants to so badly, but it's hard when he's faced with his own weakness even now, eyes shining with tears out on a public street. It's bad enough he cries so readily when they're alone, but he should be stronger than to do this here and now. Still, at least some of what Jungkook says he knows to be true, and it makes it a little easier to credit the rest as more than just bias. "I try," he says, gaze lowered in embarrassment. If there's one person who's not going to judge him, it's Jungkook, but it's much harder not to judge himself. He tries so hard and still it seems to amount to so little.

He wants badly just to stop and let Jungkook hold him until the feeling passes, but the last thing he wants is to call attention to them or to himself right now. Instead he reaches blindly for Jungkook's hand. "I don't always feel like I have a good heart," he admits. He gets so jealous sometimes or so angry. He tries to tell himself what counts is that he doesn't lash out because of those feelings, but it's hard not to think he shouldn't have them in the first place. "But I try. Just... sometimes trying doesn't feel like enough. Fuck, sorry, this is exactly what you were talking about and I'm..." He shakes his head, jaw set.

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